


Put Your Mark On Me

by Tenebrex



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Alternative Universe - Human, Alternative Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Artist!Dean, Barista!Dean, M/M, Mentions of Suicide, Multi, Nothing is the same and everything is fucked up, On the Run, Soul Markings, Soulmate abilities, Torture, Writer!Castiel, soul bonds
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-06-11
Updated: 2015-05-09
Packaged: 2018-02-04 06:53:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 66,944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1769701
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tenebrex/pseuds/Tenebrex
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about Soulmates, a company with too much power and greed and a deadly fight for the right to control your own life.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Call Of My Soul

**Author's Note:**

> In honor of my birthday coming up this Friday, June 13. I decided to write something from a list of fic ideas I found on Tumblr a while ago. The first thing that jumped to me was "Matching Soulmate Markings", something that many people have tried to play with these past months and this is what came out of it. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> Warning: Not beta'ed and English is not my first language. If you see a mistake, I apologize. You are welcome to point it out to me, so I can fix it.

The Greek philosopher Aristophanes was the first person to ever take note of the unique markings each human was born with and preach about their significance.

Aristophanes stated that humans originally had four arms, four legs, and a single head made of two faces. He continued that there were three genders: man, woman and the "Androgynous". Each with two sets of genitalia with the Androgynous having both male and female genitalia. The men were children of the Sun, the women were children of the Earth and the Androgynous were children of the Moon, which was born of the Sun and Earth. It is said that humans had great strength at the time and threatened to conquer the gods. The gods were then faced with the prospect of destroying the humans with lightning as they had done with the Titans but then they would lose the tributes given to the gods by humans. Zeus developed a creative solution by splitting humans in half as punishment for humanity's pride and doubling the number of humans who would give tribute to the gods.

These split humans were in utter misery to the point where they would not eat and would perish, so Apollo had sewn them up and reconstituted their bodies with the navel being the only remnant harkening back to their original form. Each human would then only have one set of genitalia and would forever long for his/her other half; the other half of his/her soul.

Apollo took further pity on the humans when he saw their lives was still empty and filled with longing after their other half’s. So he did something else while sewing them up. He created patterns in their skin with his blazing needle, that was created of pure fire from the Suns surface. These patterns would match with only their other half’s, making it easier for the humans to rejoin again.

It is said that when the two find each other, there is an unspoken understanding of one another, that they feel unified and would lie with each other in unity and would know no greater joy than that.

Of course at the time, Aristophanes was considered a mad old bastard and was laughed at for his musings.

Now?

Now people worshiped his philosophies like they were the truest words ever spoken.

And of course we know now that most of his story had roots in the beliefs the people had at his time and was a butt-load of crap, but it doesn’t seem to matter to most people. They still worship him and his words as the most important thing to ever happen in human history, beside the making of the wheel and the discovery of fire.

The truth about the Soul-Marks?

Well, according to the thousands and thousands of scientists that have wasted their time researching them and the unique connection humans with matching markings have, it is pretty clear.

Soulmates are real.

How or why they came to be, they have let philosophers muse about, but the cold hard facts is that Soulmates is something very real and very powerful.

Equal for all Soulmates is the Markings, or easier known as the Mark. It is a pattern of unique black dots and stripes that all humans is born with. The place of the pattern, or Soul-Mark as people calls it, varies from pair to pair. Usually it is somewhere visible like the hands, feet, neck or face, but there has been reports of people having their Marks on thighs, stomachs or even on private parts that makes the Bonding difficult, but very funny to watch. The two people in a Soulmate pair is born within minutes of each other and when they are both born, their Marks will appear like a brand, burning into their skin.

When the Soulmates meet, there is an instant blazing heat radiating from their Marks, similar to the one that created the Marks after their birth. Some say it is the power of Apollo, the fire of the Sun that burns through as the Bond is made. The scientists say it is the energy of the soul that reaches out through the Marks, forcing the two people to touch so the Bond can be made. It’s different depending on how strong the connection is going to be, how strongly the desire to connect is when the Soulmates meet, but it all ends with a single result. The two people connects on a level that no one can reach or understand if they haven’t experienced it themselves and the Marks change color. Then they live happily ever after.

There are three ‘categories’ of Soulmates, that is first revealed to people when they meet their Soulmate and makes the Bond.

The first one is called Eearna. It is the most common and powerless of Soulmates and the name comes from Aristophanes philosophies. It refers to the Earth-born humans. Their Marks take on the colors of the Earth, browns, greens and greys. These people all have common character traits. They are easy going, acceptant, loving and feels connected to nature. It’s not a surprise that the Eearna people usually ends up in jobs that handles human, animal or nature care, like doctors, nurses, teachers and so on.

The second one is called Suna. It’s the more rare one that refers to the Sun-born humans. The Suna Soulmates have stronger Bonds and usually ends up as lovers, which Eearna Soulmates don’t necessarily does. It is not uncommon for Eearna Soulmates to be found in families, sisters, brothers or just friends of the same gender. Suna Soulmates nearly always becomes lovers. Their Markings take on the colors of fire. Reds, oranges and yellows. These people all burn with the desire to protect and provide. They are character strong and loud for the most of the time, they know what they want and how they want it and they are usually not scared of fighting for it. These are the people that ends up in jobs involving the army, the police force and the firefighter departments or as scholars and lawyers.

The third and most unique rare one, the strongest of the Soulmate Bonds, is called Lunang. It refers to the Androgynous Aristophanes talked about, the people born of the Moon.

These Soulmates are so rare, there have only been a few sightings throughout the last 100’s of years. It is said that their connection runs deeper than just the usual Soulmate bond. That they can connect on more than just a physical and emotional level. There has never been complete studies of the Lunangs, but scientist believe that is very possible for the Lunang Soulmates to have a mental connection as well.

Common for all the reported cases of Lunang Soulmates is that the individuals were very creative and innovative. It is believed that people like Einstein, Charles Darwin, Da Vinci and Picasso was Lunang Soulmates, but whether they found their matching halves or not is unknown. It is believed that the unique shining silver color the Marks take holds some sort of special power only Lunang Soulmates can access.

It is also believed that the reason for the lack of paired Lunang Soulmates is that they rarely finds their other half, and that is because Lunang Soulmates isn’t necessarily born at the same time, the same day or even the same year. They break all the rules of society, all the rules of the Soulmate Bonds. That makes them truly desired…

But also greatly feared.

* * *

Dean Winchester is sick and tired of hearing all this crap about Soulmates all the time. He is tired of seeing random people walk down a street and catch a glimpse of their Soulmate across the street and start panting in pain as their Marks begin to burn. He is tired of seeing people throw themselves at complete strangers to make the Bond and watch them look _happy_ about it.

He is tired of watching match-up shows on T.V., tired of hearing crap songs about Soulmates on the radio, he is tired of the posters, the E-mails, the letters, the commercials, the lectures, the fucking everything in this entire universe that all tries to make him search (and pay other people to help him search) for that “special” other half he should desire so much. It makes him want to puke in disgust.

Dean doesn’t want anything to do with it or that other person. Not now, not ever.

He hasn’t always been that way.

When he was a kid, he was proud of the big vibrant black Mark in the shape of a handprint on his shoulder that sometimes changed color briefly if it was hit with the right light. He was just as excited as the other kids in his class to go on the special ‘Soulmate finding trips’ that the schools organizes every year. It’s a giant convention where the kids from all over the world, born the same year, meets for a week of playing and searching. It rotates every year, making it possible for the children to meet and hopefully find their Soulmate.

It was all fun and games, until Dean turned 17 and still hadn’t found his Soulmate and was the only one from his school that could still go to the convention.

It is needless to say, that that was the first year he stayed home to be with his friends instead. It was the point of no return, the point where he started to give up.

He have tried several times since then of course. Tried the special dating sites and events that some people creates. But when he turned 25 and still hadn’t found his Soulmate, he let it go and focused on other things. He just simple couldn’t keep hoping for something that clearly wasn’t going to happen.

The death of his mom was the last push he needed to give it up. She was murdered by a man named Azazel when he was 25 because she looked like Azazel’s dead Soulmate and he couldn’t stand her walking around when he couldn’t have her. So he shot her in cold blood.

What it did to Dean’s dad was the thing that scared him of the Soulmate search forever. John went crazy after Mary was killed and he hunted Azazel down and broke his neck with his bare hands. It was done in grief but that didn’t change the laws and John went to prison willingly, even after the judge put him on death-row.

John and Mary had been Suna Soulmates. John had worked in the army in special forces and Mary had been a well-acknowledged professor at Stanford College.

Their tragic story is why Dean has given up finding his Soulmate. He just can’t handle the possibility of him going insane like his dad if he ever lost his Soulmate.

Their story is also why Dean’s brother Sam decided to go to Stanford to become a lawyer so he could save their dad’s life.

Sammy is the most important thing in Dean’s life and the sole reason for him to keep fighting through the pain and loneliness that comes with missing a part of your soul.

Sam is brilliant. He so goddamn smart he makes Dean look like an idiot by just standing next to him and Dean has no trouble believing that Sam will succeed in dragging their dad out of death-row. He is so confident that his little brother will pull through that it is what makes him get up every morning and grab the bull by the horns.

It’s no different this morning.

Dean wakes up at 6 AM to his radio scratching loudly. He has fucked up the connection of the radio on purpose, just so he doesn’t have to listen to the god-awful songs about the eternal love of Soulmates.

He pulls himself out from under the blankets after having stared at the ceiling for ten minutes, just trying to handle the emptiness inside him that spreads every morning when sleep loosens its hold over his mind. He grabs a quick shower and avoids looking at the black wave-like stripes and dots on his shoulder before he dresses in his favorite jeans, a black t-shirt and red flannel shirt. He brushes his teeth and shaves, because why the hell not? Today feels less shitty than the day before had.

He walks into his small kitchen and starts up the coffee machine to get his daily fix cooking. While it runs through he cooks bacon and eggs on a frying pan. He sings along as the beat of Bon Jovi’s “It’s My Life” spreads through the room, making Dean’s heart feel lighter.

A couple of bagels with cream-cheese that would make his brother so proud gets packed in his bag along with the bacon and eggs in tinfoil so the heat is preserved. A pot of fresh black coffee and two paper cups and Dean is ready to go.

He grabs his keys from the hook beside the door and shrugs on his jacket. Then he’s out the door still humming the tunes of Bon Jovi.

He gives the shiny black surface of the ’67 Chevy Impala that waits for him loyally a pad before he jumps in and places the bag and pot of coffee on the seat next to him.

The drive to the prison is a familiar one and it’s over before he even gets a change to look at his surroundings. The guards knows him by first name now, so when the night watcher Benny sees him pull into the parking lot, he is already there to let him in with a smile when Dean enters the visitors building.

They talk a little when Victor, the other night watcher that usually works with Benny, scans Dean’s bag and Benny pads him down to make sure there are no hidden weapons on him. It’s pure protocol and something they just have to do, even when they know Dean isn’t trying to smuggle anything in.

They give him an A+ and lets him in. When he arrives at the visitors area, his dad is already waiting for him at the table in the middle, cuffed by hands and legs to the metal legs embedded in the concrete floor.

“Hey Dad” Dean greets him with a smile. John sends a forced one back, but Dean knows it’s not because he isn’t happy to see Dean. It’s because Dean looks so much like his mom that Dad has trouble looking past it sometimes in the beginning of their meetings.

“Hey son” Dad says softly, “What did you bring me this time?” Dean begins to unpack their breakfast like he does every Thursday. Dean soaks up the almost childlike surprise and happiness that lights up Dad’s eyes when the bacon is revealed.

“Bacon, eggs, coffee and some bagel-things Sam insisted I bring you instead of and I quote ‘that shitty white bread and grease filled potatoes that will clot your arties before you turn 40 that you always bring him’” Dean says with a laugh. Dad sniffs the bagel and makes a face but he laughs softly anyway.

“Sammy’s doing okay?” he asks Dean when they start eating. Dean slurps down his coffee like it was made of pure gold and nods.

“Yeah he’s okay, but he’s busy at school so he couldn’t come today” he answers.

“That’s okay. School is more important that lil’ old me” Dad says. It sounds sad and Dean wants to say something to soothe his Dad’s pain but he knows his dad is just like him. He doesn’t want to talk about feelings if he can avoid it and Dean respects that fully.

“He got an A in some lawyer class last week” Dean says instead. Dad smiles brightly and proudly and Dean joins him. Sam is the biggest pride of both of them. The smiles only grow bigger when they start devouring the bacon.

“Oh man, this is Heaven” Dad mumbles with his mouth full. His eyes is closed and he looks like he tastes pure unhidden joy. “I’ll tell you a secrete” he continues, “The cooks in this place are shit. They shouldn’t even be allowed to be near a kitchen.”

“I bet” Dean tells him.

“Without a doubt, you are the sole reason I’m still alive” his dad says. Dean gets uncomfortable and feels blood rise in his cheeks.

“Come on Dad, don’t say shit like that” he mutters into his coffee. It’s unlike his dad to be this caring and sharing. He has never been a bad dad and has always been there to support and cuddle both him and Sam, but he don’t usually say deep stuff like that.

“I’m not kidding” Dad says matter-as-factly.

“I know” Dean says and catches Dad’s eyes. He seem happier than last time and it gives Dean hope. Maybe there is a life after the death of a Soulmate after all. Maybe there is a chance his dad will get over it eventually.

“Enough with the chick stuff” Dad says when he too feels it’s becoming a bit uncomfortable, “Tell me how life is out in fresh air.”

“Ah, it’s the same as always” Dean says, “People running around like chickens with their heads cut off, governments arguing, children screaming. You are not missing out on much.”

“And how about you? Has there been any light-filled discovering’s?” Dad asks and Dean doesn’t miss the way his eyes linger on his left shoulder for a couple of seconds.

“You know I ain’t looking for any light-discovering’s” Dean rejects.

“Aw come on son, just because you haven’t found the right one yet, doesn’t mean there isn’t a girl out there waiting for you to sweep her of her feet” Dad says.

“I don’t care anymore” Dean lies, “I have other things to do that run around looking for something that clearly ain’t coming.”

“But…”

“Dad! I don’t wanna talk about it” Dean interrupts him. Dad backs down immediately and Dean loves that about him. He understands how Dean works and doesn’t push after he has said stop, like Sam does.

“Well, then let’s move on to something else” Dad says and digs something out from his breast-pocket. He places something in Dean’s right hand and sits back. When Dean looks down his heart almost stops and he gets tears in his eyes.

“Dad…” he whispers and looks up, “I can’t take this.” It’s his mom’ss wedding ring. It’s a small silver band with the unique stripes and dots of her and Dad’s Markings carved into it.

“You can and you will” Dad says, “I know it isn’t much, but I think you should have it. It’s about time I start letting go.” Dean blinks and looks down at the ring again. The single tear that runs over his cheek isn’t commented by either him or Dad.

“You are 27 now” Dad says softly, “And I hate seeing you incomplete. I know Mary would too, but I know where you’re coming from. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to keep going every day, knowing that your Soulmate is out there but never finding her. I can’t begin to imagine.” Dean sniffs but doesn’t say anything. He don’t think that he actually can with how closed up his throat feels.

“What I’m trying to say, is that it’s okay to stop looking, but never close your heart up. Your mom wouldn’t want that” Dad says, “I guess the ring is just a reminder that even with the pain that can follow, the Bond is worth it.”

“You think so?” Dean asks silently and looks up. Dad’s eyes are misty too but he is smiling.

“Yeah, I do. I’m not gonna lie, losing Mary was… It was the single worst moment in my life but everything we had, everything we were before that. It is worth the pain. You two boys is worth that.” Dean’s eyes flickers to the Mark on Dad’s right forearm half-hidden by his clothes. It has turned a cold deadly ghost grey after Mom died and he knows Dad can feel it burn in despair every single moment, but Dean believes him.

“Thanks” he says. He slides the ring on his right hands ring finger and feels the cool metal dip into a slot there, as if it was made for him. Dean stands up and gives two shits about the rules before he walks over and hugs his dad tightly. The guards in the room doesn’t even react to it and even if Dad is a little surprised about the sudden hug, it still feels safer and more whole than he has felt in a long time.

“Happy Birthday kid” Dad whispers in his ear. When they part Dean sits down on his side of the table again.

“Wow, we’re turning into women” Dad barks when he dries his eyes. A laugher explodes out of Dean.

“You started it!” he tells him. Dad shrugs and fills his mouth with now cold eggs.

It’s the best birthday Dean has ever had and it has only just begun.

* * *

After the usual Thursday breakfast with his dad, Dean drives to The Trickster, a coffee-shop slash bakery owned by one Gabriel Novak where Dean works dayshifts.

It’s just like all other days. Gabriel and Dean bitch and teases each other while they work, Gabriel in the kitchen baking and doing other kinds of foody stuff and Dean at the counter servicing customers. He earns quite a lot of tips today, more than usual and he doesn’t know if it’s because people can sense the joy in his heart over his dad’s present or if it has something to do with the ‘It’s my Birthday Bitches!’ badge that Gabriel forces him to wear. Charlie, the girl who helps in the shop says it’s because of his big sparkly green eyes and handsome face, but Gabriel snorts and says it’s clearly the badge.

Dean doesn’t care. All he cares about is the extra three hundred dollars tucked away in his wallet at the end of his shift and the cherry pie with marzipan and a single unlit candle that Gabriel shoves into his hands just before he leaves. He’s so happy that he doesn’t even punch Gabriel in his stupid face when he slaps Dean’s ass on the way out of the door. No matter how wonderful Gabriel’s Soulmate Kali is, he is and always will be a player, but it doesn’t scare Dean anymore. The lack of punches being delivered might have something to do with the precious cherry pie in his hands too, but nobody has to know about that.

He cooks steaks and potatoes when he gets home and manages to _just_ hide the Busty Asian Beauties under the couch before Sam comes through the door like he owns the place with his girlfriend and Soulmate Jessica just behind him.

They eat and have a great time. Sam gets a little misty eyes too when he sees Dad’s gift. Dean doesn’t even feel bad with watching how both Sam and Jess shines brighter every time they look at each other throughout the night. If Dean thinks he sees their bright red Marks on their collarbones glimmer a bit and feels a rush of loneliness wash over him, he doesn’t mention it. Sam and Jess have a strong connection and everybody that meets them know it. Dean is just happy his brother’s soul is complete.

Just before they say goodnight, Sam insists on taking Dean out for drinks the next day so they can celebrate for real. Something feels off because Sam is insisting more than he usually would and when he says Jess is coming with, Dean knows they have something up their sleeve. But he agrees and tells them he will meet them there at 8 PM. He usually works Fridays and weekends at Bobby’s Garage but he’s sure Bobby will give him the time off so he can celebrate with his brother.

Dean goes through his night routine when he is alone again. Cleaning a bit, brushing his teeth, putting the rest of the cherry pie in the fridge, shutting off the lights and finding clothes for the next day before he dives under the blankets again.

He stares at the ceiling for a awhile unable to sleep. It’s this time of day that is the hardest to get through. His soul’s cravings peaks when night falls and he has time to think. It opens up a bleeding wound in his chest that aches to much it’s hard to breathe.

Dean thinks about what his dad said. It’s okay to not look but he should never close his heart of. Problem is, he doesn’t wanna keep his heart open. It will just hurt more and more with time.

He spins the ring on his finger and thinks of his mom. He knows she must have been so worried for him throughout his childhood and teen years. Dad and Mom found each other when they were 13. Sam found Jess in kindergarten at the library of all places. They were all so young and so lucky. So why isn’t Dean lucky too?

Maybe he doesn’t deserve to find his Soulmate. Most people save themselves for their Soulmate, but Dean has always been a ladies man, sleeping with those free spirited girls that didn’t believe in the old saving yourself crap. Maybe that’s why he hasn’t found the right one yet. Maybe she would be disappointed in him, be disgusted to find out just how slutty he had been or how poor and withered his soul is now.

He feels drained and empty inside, stretched too far and hollow. It’s hard to find things that matters anymore. Even the colors around him has started to fade and become meaningless. He knows people can see it in his eyes. How dead they are. People know he is unbound by just one look. They pity him and he hates it. He hates all of it.

But he can’t help but long for it. The connection everybody praises so much. He pretends to don’t care but the truth is that he does. He hates feeling incomplete but he just can’t deal with the hope anymore. It hurts worse each time he is disappointed and have to return to his apartment alone.

A hand has snuck up to the slightly raised Mark on his shoulder. He traces it mindlessly with the tips of his fingers and feels the ache in the flesh. It’s starting to fade and hurt like an infected wound. Dean knows that un-Bonded humans, people that doesn’t find their Soulmate early in life has a real huge chance of going insane. It all starts with the fading of the Mark. Then comes the pain. The enormous loneliness and then the changes inside his head. Scientist have documented hundreds of un-Bonded cases. Each and every one of them ended up in the hospital and later in the psych ward on suicide watch.

They all ended their own life before they turned 35.

“Where are you?” Dean whispers to the darkness in the bedroom, feeling despair twist around his heart.

When no one answers he jerks his hand away from the skin of his shoulder and turns over on the other side.

It doesn’t matter. He will prove the statistics wrong. He will make it through.

He has to.

* * *

It’s all Anna’s fault really.

The whole dating site thing is not something Castiel Milton approves off, but when his sister had marched into his room at the Hobs Riva Mental Facility excited out of her mind about this new site, called BlessingAngels.com of all things, that had just been launched, which lent the technology of pattern recognition to the public, she was determined to sign him up right that second. Apparently the website promised a 80% chance of finding your Soulmate if you signed up. She had even taken her computer with her and everything.

Castiel didn’t care about his missing Soulmate anymore. He was 35 years old and had been forced into suicide watch when he turned 30 just because the statistics said he was a high risk candidate of suicide because of his missing Soul-Bond.

Yes, the constant ache in the Mark on his right hand, the burning emptiness in his chest and his souls screams for its other half was sometimes beyond difficult to deal with, but he didn’t have the desire to kill himself. Not yet anyway.

Even the memories of how he had lived the first 8 years of his life without a Mark at all, and all people thinking he was a freak because of it, didn’t push him further to the edge he should already be balancing on. It was the same thing about the memory of the day he received the Mark and the pain it had come with. It didn’t push him towards the edge. It helped him stay off it because he knew that his Soulmate was out there.

It didn’t matter much for Anna. She hated seeing her brother locked up and wanted to save him more than anything. Since he had been admitted she had searched restlessly for his Soulmate with several pictures of his Mark as her only guide. She was angry at their parents for withholding the chance to find his Soulmate from him early in life, just as they had done her.

Neither of them had been to public schools. They had been homeschooled by their Christian parents until they were ready to attend college and they had refused them to go to the annual Soulmate conventions that other kids attended each year in hope of finding their Soulmates.

Anna had been lucky. She had met Balthazar the first day at college and they had Bonded immediately, discovering who they were and who they could be. They were Suna Soulmates, unlike their parents that had only been Eearna Soulmates. Castiel though that the shimmering red-orange color of Anna’s and Balthazar’s Marks around their eyes fitted well with her blazing red hair and both their sparkling personalities. Balthazar had been a British exchange student, but had quickly decided to move to USA so he could be with Anna. Balthazar didn’t have any family in England, they were all dead, but Anna still had Castiel, even when they had both split from their parents ways.

Castiel was so very happy for her and he had found a great friend in Balthazar. Even their little 4 year old son Samandriel had a special place in Castiel’s heart and he felt no trouble giving them his blessings and best wishes for the future, even when he had no sign of ever being able to have the same.

So that is why Castiel is contend in living his life behind tall walls, with prying eyes latched onto his body, cataloging and following his every move.

He has accepted that his Soulmate simple isn’t able to be found. He desires it greatly of course and dreams of finding that one special person someday many times throughout the week, but doesn’t let it stop him from pursuing what he truly wants in life.

And what he wants is to write. He wants to become an published author.

It is his greatest talent and his most deepest wish, next to finding his Soulmate.

He has written many stories through the years but no one has been published yet. The publishers don’t want to publish works from an un-Bonded author because they know that the talent Castiel has isn’t fully evolved yet. They know it will be better once he is Bonded and he knows it too. He can see the flaws in his work but no matter what he does, he can’t fill the blanks that are missing. It’s like there is something holding him back, that is shielding a part of his brain from him so he can’t use his talent properly.

He hates it because he has so many stories in his mind all the time that is just begging to be written, but he can’t get himself to write another story just to see it lie in the pile of other stories, collecting dust without ever seeing the light of the day.

So when Anna calls him one Wednesday evening and all he hears in the phone is screaming, he knows she has found it. His Soulmate.

True enough, when he can finally understand what she is saying, she tells him the dating site paid off and she found a match that was nearly 79%. It meant that there was a very good chance of this person finally being Castiel’s Soulmate but there was also a noticeable risk of it being just another disappointment.

She had made plans for him to meet this mysterious person the coming Friday and she was not going to take no for an answer.

She even made the arrangements with the Mental Facility so he could be allowed to travel all the way to California where this person lives. It’s not normal for patients on suicide watch to be allowed outside without a trained watcher, but Castiel is a honor patient that has never caused trouble in the five years he has lived in the facility, so they are not so reluctant to let him leave when it is with the possibility of him coming back Bonded.

The plane ride was filled with nerves and Castiel nearly threw up twice on the flight. Anna hadn’t moved from his side from the second she had come to get him at the facility and even Balthazar had joined them saying he was not going to miss out on watching Castiel finally make the Bond, even if it meant Samandriel being watched by Missouri Moseley, the same lady that watched over Castiel and Anna when they were children. Castiel thinks he might have been forced a little by Anna too, because he is a police officer. It would have made it easier for Anna to convince the watchers at the facility to let him go, if they knew there was a trained officer tagging along.

The nausea and nervousness he fells are even worse now where he is standing outside the bar where his supposed Soulmate should be waiting inside.

“Anna” Castiel calls when he feels his stomach turn again, “I don’t think I can go through with this.” He walks away a few steps, closely followed by Balthazar.

“What?” Anna exclaims as she looks up from her phone, “Oh no no no don’t you dare walk away now when we are so close!” She marches right over to him and grips his shoulders. “I know it properly feels like you are being torn apart inside, but Cas, you are _so_ close. Don’t give up now. It’s only a few more minutes and this is all over.”

“But what if it’s not the right one?” Castiel asks her, “What if it is just another disappointment? I can’t go on like this. I need to find peace and if that means living out my life at that facility un-Bonded then I prefer it to this.” The Mark on his hand is tingling but Castiel is sure that it is just his nerves making it do so, his mind projecting his hope and desires into fake responses from his body.

“I’m sure this is the right one!” Anna says, “I have talked to his brother several times and traded many photos and we are both convinced _this is right._ ” Castiel looks up and finds her bright blue eyes.

“He?” he asks, “It’s a man?” Anna breaks out in a smile and laughs a little.

“Bloody hell, you didn’t tell him?” Balthazar frowns, “Are you deliberately trying to kill him with nerves or what?” Anna shrugs.

“I thought that the less he knew, the less disappointment he would feel if I really was wrong” she mumbles. Castiel agrees. He haven’t been able to form any ideas of this person and that will help him forget it again when this proves to be yet another mistake. Without dreams, he can’t miss something he never had.

The phone in Anna’s hand bibs loudly and she looks down immediately. “He’s coming out” she says, “It’s time.” She pulls Castiel over to the door again just as a huge man walks out of it.

Castiel feels disappointment instantly. This man is too young to be his Soulmate and there is nothing when their eyes meet. No feeling of burning light, no inner pull that compels him to move closer, nothing at all. He just sees long brown hair and amber brown eyes in a masculine face.

“Hey” the man says and looks at Anna, “You must be Anna.” They shake hands and Castiel pulls himself backwards.

“Yeah. This is Balthazar, my Soulmate” she introduces, “And my brother Castiel.” Anna drags him back instantly and forces him to greet the stranger.

“Hi, I’m Sam” the man says with a smile.

“Castiel” Castiel mumbles back. He just wants to go home.

Sam is pretending he can’t see Castiel’s disappointment. “Dean’s inside, but we better hurry. He’s getting a little ticked off by the pushing. I don’t think Jess can hold him much longer.” Wait, what? Sam isn't the man Castiel came to see?

“Then go!” Anna says and pushes Castiel into the arms of Sam. He feels awkward and confused and wishes he could just melt into the ground right this second.

He feels the pull before he is even over the threshold.

It begins as an intense buzzing in the skin of his hand, right where the Mark is. Then there is a _tug_ at his heart and his body just reacts by itself. He rips himself from Sam’s arms and walks past him, straight to the back of the room. His brain isn’t even functioning, he can’t think or react or feel or hear anything else that the burning in his soul. He just knows that he is _this_ close to finally being complete, so close to finally getting everything he has ever desired, so close to finally being _free._

He knows who he is looking for the second he sees them.

Insanely green eyes that feels like home.

* * *

This Friday is quickly becoming the worst day ever.

Dean only just made it to work before a couple of college kids accidently knocked into each other, looked up and BAM.

Instant Bonding right in front of Dean like Fate Herself was fucking taunting him. It was a nerdy little Asian guy called Kevin that Dean knew that met an Asian girl, a little chubby but good looking. Their Marked hands instantly fitted together and then they kissed (with tongue) right in front of everyone without even saying a word to each other. Their Marks changed color to an Eearna brown.

It pissed Dean off, but everyone else had started clapping and cheering.

To make it worse, Charlie had decided to take her Soulmate Gilda with her to work today so he had to watch them make goo-goo eyes at each other like they were insane all fucking day. It didn't help much when Kali showed up too and Gabriel pulled her back to his office for some "private discussion time". Yeah right, they were fucking like bunnies, that's what they were doing.

The same fucking thing had happened at the Garage. Adam, a kid who works there to earn some pocket money for parties or whatever kids used their money on now a days, was working on an engine with Dean when a blond beauty drove in with her car. Adam looked at her and BAM. Green sparks from the Marks on their wrists and they were gone. Instant Eearna Soulmate Bond.

They hadn't been able to let go of each other so Bobby had to send Adam home and Dean had to fix the cars all by himself all afternoon.

So he is so fucking _done_ when Sam starts talking about this new bullshit webpage he had found that uses some sort of fancy technology to match pictures of Marks online to find peoples Soulmates.

“Cut it out Sam!” he hisses when Sam had ignored the last five times he had said no.

“But Dean!” Sam protests.

“No! I said fucking no!” Dean shouts at him. It makes people turn heads at them, but Dean doesn’t care. “I have told you again and again that I don’t want to find my fucking Soulmate, okay? I don’t care anymore! It’s just another load of bullshit and false hope and I’m done with it, capische? My Soulmate doesn’t wanna be found and I don’t wanna find her, so just give it a rest!”

Sam and Jess shares a look at his words and he narrows his eyes at them. “What?” he barks. Sam sighs.

“You know what? I’m going to go to the restroom and cool off” he says and stands. Jess follows him with her eyes as Dean does but she drags his attention back to her when Sam disappears in the crowd.

“He only wants what’s best for you Dean” she says. Dean breathes deeply and rubs his face. His head is pounding and his Mark is on fire today like it can feel how fucking screwed he is. Like it’s laughing at him, taunting him for watching two couples find each other today, when he can’t find his Soulmate.

“Yeah I know but I wish he would just cut it out. I’m _fine_.” It sounds like a lie to him and he knows Jess hears it too.

“I know the statistics okay?” he continues deflated, all fight drained out of him, “I know where this is leading me, but I just can’t. I can’t keep hoping and getting disappointed. It affects me more and more every time. Even my art is shit these days.” That seems to tick Jess off and she snatches the black notebook he always carries with him before he can stop her.

When she goes through the pages, Dean sees the horror in her face.

Dean has been drawing since he was a kid. It’s his passion and the only thing besides fixing cars and cleaning tables he is good at. His pictures used to be filled with light and happiness and love, art that inspired the people around him, even when it lacked the final touch he just couldn’t access because of the lacking Soulmate.

Now the pictures are dark and evil, filled with pain and longing and blood and screams. It has been that way since his mom died. It is the only way he can get his pain out so he doesn’t explode.

“You think this is going to convince him that you can get through life without your Soulmate?” she asks him angrily when she looks up. There’s tears in her eyes and Dean hates them, hates the pity he reads from them.

Dean rips his book from her hands and stands up, boiling with rage again. “You have absolutely _no right_ to make assumptions about me” he spits, “How dare you mess with something or have opinions about something that you can’t possibly understand?” Jess looks terrified of him and Dean just _knows_ his eyes is burning with the promise of blood if she doesn't back the fuck up right now. His entire body is vibrating, twisting and shouting to him, his skin is on fire and he isn’t acting like himself. He knows this. He would never speak to Jessica like this if he were in his right mind, he would _never_ dare raise his voice at her, he loves her and Sam too much to do that, but right now he is so far gone, so _done_ that nothing can stop him from spitting his venomous words directly in her face and into every face turned towards them that are listing.

“You don’t know how it feels!” he continues, “You don’t know what it’s like to feel yourself slowly wither away and die, how it feels to have your insides screaming every second of every day for something, that ain’t coming! You guys are so fucking lucky you found each other that early! You never had to feel the longing, the loneliness or the emptiness of an uncompleted Bond after 27 years of hope and disappointment!”

He knows he has everybody’s attention, every face in the bar, every ear of the people around them tuned into his voice. And he don’t fucking care anymore.

“I had to watch _two_ couples find each other today! TWO! Right in front of my eyes! Do you know how much that hurt?” he asks her, and properly everyone else too, “So what if I want to draw about the demons that I see everywhere I look? So what if I need to pour the pain onto paper just so I don’t put a bullet through my brain? It’s how I stayed alive for this fucking long and don’t you _dare_ think that is a sign of weakness, because it’s just the fucking opposite! So fuck you, and fuck Sam and fuck society and Fate and everything else! Nobody is going to tell me how to live my life, just because there is some dots on my skin that won’t change color!”

Dean’s blood is pumping to hard in his ears he can’t even hear Jess yell his name when he turns to walk away. He so angry, so done, so utterly finished with this bullshit.

He has every intention to walk straight to the door, get in his car and just start driving when he turns.

It all goes up in flames when the first thing he sees is two unnatural blue eyes staring _right_ at him.

Then it all just collapses. Every ounce of strength he has left in his body bleeds away. There is only the eyes that are looking straight into his, only the feeling of his soul howling in agony, longing to touch the stranger he can’t even see properly.

They move as one. Three steps and then there is strong warm arms catching his like clamps, holding him grounded. He don’t know what he is doing, his body has overtaken command of his limbs. He just feels the strangers right hand slide up over his naked skin, up under the sleeve of his T-shirt until a palm is fitted perfectly over the Mark pulsing red hot fire on his skin.

Light explodes from them.

* * *

Castiel isn’t in control. His hands grabs the arms of the man in front of him and his right one is sliding upwards by itself. He doesn’t know what it is searching for, until it finds it. The slightly raised surface of a Mark identical to his. He fits his palm over it, making their Marks line up perfectly.

He isn’t prepared for the intense light that raises from their skin or the feeling of a thousand ice cold knifes slicing through his hand, down his arm and out through his body.

He thinks there might be someone screaming, but he can’t hear it properly. There is only the green eyes, the man in front of him, the light and the feeling of _finally_ being complete that roars through him.

When the light dies down, everything dies with it. Every sound, every movement, every breath from the people surrounding them. They all stare at Castiel and his Soulmate, but they only have eyes for each other. The peace he feels is so overwhelming he think he might break down and cry.

He knows what just happened. Everybody knows it. He knows what color his Mark will have taken when he pulls his hand from the man’s shoulder.

Luminous sparkling silver, like the surface of a full moon. They are children of the Moon. They are Lunang Soulmates, the rarest of kinds, the first known successfully Bonded pair in over a 100 years.

Everybody around them knows it, by just baring witness to the binding light that had erupted from them. His Soulmate knows this too. They have just entered a dangerous path in their lives, so dangerous that their lives might never be the same as before or normal again. Castiel knows that everything will be different, it will be a constant fight from now on, a fight to be left alone, to get to live a life not pursued by the greed and jealousy of other people.

But he is so ready to face the storm that is brewing, so ready to stand by this man’s side and fight for what is rightfully theirs.

What he isn’t ready for, is the man’s reaction. He isn’t ready to have him flinch back like lightning just struck him with a look in his eyes that spell utter and complete betrayal and destruction. He isn’t ready to see the look of disgust and hatred burn in the eyes that should have only held love and happiness.

“Get the hell away from me, you _freak_!” the man hisses before he storms past Castiel, heading for the door, leaving Castiel standing confused, hurt and truly alone, once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And there it is.  
> I'm thinking of maybe turning it into a chaptered fic, hence the rather large open ending and the un-resolved problems of the story. But I wanted to hear peoples thoughts about the idea before I worked on it further.  
> So that's why comments will be the best gift you can give me, even if it's just a thumps up or something you think isn't working.  
> I again apologize for my shitty english and feel free to point out my mistakes or whatever. All critic is welcome, as long as it's not done in an asshole tone. 
> 
> Link to a website I used to find information about Soulmates and where I got my inspiration for the intro. The section about Aristophanes Soulmate philosophies is almost directly copy-pasted, I have only changed a bit to fit the story. All credit goes to the owners of the websites.  
> Story about Aristophanes philosophies: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Soulmate 
> 
> Thanks for reading!  
> P.S. You can find me at Tumblr here: beautiful-hellfire.tumblr.com
> 
> EDIT: After the truly amazingly positive response I have gotten, I have started to write a chapter 2. This fic with be continued, so stay tuned! And thank you to you all, commenters and Kudo givers or just readers alike. You are the reason writers like me continues to have faith in our skills enough to share them with you!  
> Also, feel free to drop prompts or ideas for the fic in my askbox. I love getting inspiration from my readers, so they can help evolving the story. So if you have anything you want to discuss or an idea, send it in and I'll take a look.


	2. I'm Calling Your Name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The road to happiness is long and filled with strong emotions, difficult battles and awkward silences. Many of them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hurried to write this after all those wonderful comments yesterday, so here you go, you disgustingly amazing readers!  
> Enjoy!

Castiel knows this feeling burning inside him, making his eyes water and his stomach turn. He has felt it every day since the day he turned 15. Now, 20 years later and newly Bonded, he still feels it as he watches his supposed Soulmate flee from him without him even uttering a single word.

His Soulmate flees the mere _sight_ of him.

Somehow, Castiel had always thought that when he finally found his Soulmate everything would be okay. That the pain and loneliness he had felt his entire life would dissolve, the tension would drain out of his muscles and he would fall in love with the person Fate had chosen for him and live happily ever after like so many had done before him.

It clearly wasn’t intended to turn out that way. Not if the fleeing disappearing back of the man who should have loved him is anything to go by.

And okay, Castiel knows that the situation is complicated. Soulmates of the same gender is unusual, but not too uncommon to present any significant problems. Some people still have trouble accepting Bonds between two men or two women that chooses to live as lovers and not just friends. It shouldn’t be a huge problem. It certainly isn’t to Castiel. He had been ready to accept whomever Fate chose for him, no matter what gender, appearance, personality or skillset they came with.

Maybe that is a little needy or a little naïve of him to think. Maybe he is a little rosy around the edges, a little too much a romantic after having lived inside his own mind with his stories alone for far too long. He knows there would be a risk of his Soulmate being a person he couldn’t get along with or accept, but somehow those scenarios never made it to his daydreams. So okay, call him a hopeless dreamer. But he had been so ready to at least try to make it work.

But can you really blame him? Even if he had accepted his destiny as an un-Bonded human, even if he had been ready to live without a Soulmate until the madness that the uncompleted Bond would induce in him made him take his own life, he still longed for it. He still dreamed of a better way, a better life away from cold clinic, the white walls, the endless similar days, the schedules that ruled his life, the medicine that created the fogs in his head and people in white coats saying ‘How are you today Castiel?’ without really wanting to know. He had dreamed of an existence where people wouldn’t look at him with pity or precaution because they were afraid he would snap at any minute.

He had accepted his fate, but that didn’t mean he was happy about it.

Now he has finally gotten everything he ever wanted and here he is, standing yet again alone and abandoned, unable to understand, why him. Why is it always him that must walk the most difficult of paths?

Then there is the entire concept of the depth of the Bond. The wild white light that had erupted from their skin the second their Marks aligned was the clear sign of a Bond so profound that the Earth hadn’t seen one in over 100 years. Lunang Soulmates. The rarest of kinds.

And his had just walked out the door like it wasn’t nearly impossible for newly Bonded Soulmates to let go of each other.

Well, it should have been nearly impossible. It had been difficult for Castiel at least.

“Dean!” The tall man that had planned this meeting with Anna calls after his brother, as said brother flees the place. Castiel remember his name as Sam, but he isn’t truly sure if it is correct. It is a bit troublesome for him to concentrate on anything beside the pain he feels in his chest right now.

Sam disappears after his brother and a young blonde woman sitting in a booth beside where Castiel is standing, stands up and rushes to his side.

His arms, that had still been reaching after his Soulmate without Castiel even knowing it, slowly falls to his sides. When the blonde woman’s hands closes around his shoulder, he feels his legs give out.

“Wow, easy there” the blonde says, trying to sound easy and untouched by what just happened in front of her, even if she must be in shock too. She navigates him to sit on the bench she just stood from and as soon as his backside touches the cloth covered wood, Anna appears in front of him, pushing the blonde away gently.

“Castiel!” Anna calls with pleading in her voice, “Brother, speak to me.” Her red hair looks mussed and even wilder than normal and when Castiel finally lifts his eyes to look into hers, he sees a panic he has never witnessed in his sister before.

“I am unharmed Anael” he says, unaware of him using her birth name, the one their parents gave her and she despises.

“Oh thank God!” Anna breathes relieved, “I thought you were having a mental breakdown.” She slaps him gently at his shoulder but fixes him with a fierce stare. “Don’t dare get me so worried again Cas!”

“Yeah Cassie, you scared the be-Jesus out of us” Balthazar adds and Castiel becomes aware of his presence too, standing just beside Anna with a hand firmly planted on her shoulder for support. Castiel wonders shortly if that is intentional or just something their Bond compels them to do in situations that require the support of your Soulmate.

That thought of course brings him back to his own, that has just fled the building after their Bond was made.

“Cassie? Oh bloody hell, he’s zoning out again” Balthazar says. His voice snaps Castiel back to reality.

“Please don’t call me that” Castiel tells him, but his voice lacks the usual annoyed tone he normally says this with.

It seems it pleases Balthazar no matter how dead Castiel’s voice sounds.

“I didn’t catch him” Sam says upon his return. He sounds out of breath and looks utterly confused and terrified, just as Castiel feels. Castiel finds the state of Sam’s long hair poking in every direction amusing and he is sure he would have laughed if it hadn’t been for the anxiety beginning to bubble inside him. The blonde woman that had been silent until now walks over to Sam and wraps him in her arms. They must be Soulmates since they can find such ease in each other’s presence. It makes Castiel long to do the same, until he remembers that he can’t. Because his Soulmate called him a freak and fled him before he had the chance.

“We need to get Castiel away from here” Anna mutters to Balthazar. He seems to understand why and walks over to Sam so they can talk silently together. Castiel realizes why Anna requested the change of scenery when he lets his eyes wander over the people surrounding them.

He counts at least 14 phones and cameras pointing towards him before his head hurts to much to continue counting.

They are filming his failure. They are treating this as entertainment, this moment that has destroyed all and every hope of a happy future for Castiel.

Before he can process just how much trouble he is in, he is being pulled up and supported by Balthazar as they make their way out of the bar.

How they get from the bar to an apartment he doesn’t know, is a blur. He assumes it has something to do with the blue Prius he remembers seeing a glimpse of, but he doesn’t really care. All he cares about is the space inside his chest that opens up, needing the touch and presence of his newly Bonded Soulmate.

Castiel knows what is going to happen before the process even starts up properly.

The medical term for this process or state is “Rejection Sickness”. It happens when one or both of a newly Bonded pair rejects the other and refuses to stay together so the Bond can fully settle in their souls. It is a state that not many people experiences. Only a few each year rejects the Soul-Bond before it has even had time to settle.

Castiel remembers watching the news one day last year and hearing about a woman that refused to Bond with a criminal convicted for many rapes against other women. He wasn’t surprised that she chose to go through the agony of the Rejection Sickness and a life of loneliness instead of becoming Bonded to a man like that.

Is that was his Soulmate saw in Castiel? A man unworthy of his love or companionship? If Castiel has to be truthful, he would rather live a life without any romantic relationship at all, if it meant being able to be around his Soulmate and dull this pain he is feeling right now. Castiel simple doesn’t care anymore. He was ready for whatever the stranger would give him, whatever it took for them to be able to work together.

All he got was anger, disgust and abandonment without even knowing why.

He starts shaking mere minutes after Balthazar has placed him on a beige couch covered in blankets and pillows. Anna has already wrapped him in several and made him lie down, but it does nothing to banish the ice cold tendrils that start roaming around in his soul. It feels like he is imploding and exploding at the same time, his soul is in pure panic trying to reach out to a person that isn’t here.

Does it feel worse for Lunang Soulmates than anybody else? Castiel hopes not. He can’t imagine what it would feel like if it got worse.

Castiel tries to focus on the conversations that takes place around him instead of the long monologue of his mind. The first thing he sees is Balthazar and the blonde woman talking hushed together at the entrance to what Castiel thinks might be a kitchen. Then it is Sam with a phone to his ear, ripping his hair in panic and anger, spitting filthy words into the mouthpiece of the telephone. Castiel thinks he hears his name hissed followed by a pleading for whoever he is talking to, to just come back and let them help with whatever made him run out on Castiel. Sam says please Dean several times before he hangs up and dials again.

Castiel feels a spike of warmth inside that quickly dies. His Soulmate’s name is Dean. Dean with the bright green eyes, the pink full lips, countless of freckles on his face that Castiel would very much like to try and count and his retreating fleeing back and disgusted disappointed gaze.

He slumps further down when he feels hopelessness overtake him.

Anna comes back holding a cup with steam raising from the rim. She places it on the small table next to the couch before she moves him around so she can sit behind his back and let him lean against her body. She grabs the cup again just to place it in his hands.

“Try and drink some” she encourages him and he does. He makes it to three sips before he feels like he is going to throw up and quickly places the cup back on the table before running into the kitchen. The blonde woman appears at his side and quickly shows him to the bathroom. He only just manages to reach the bowl of the toilet before emptying his half empty stomach into it.

The blonde woman stays with him and runs soothing circles over the plane of his shoulder blades as she comforts him calmly, telling him everything is going to be okay. It feels odd to have a complete stranger try and comfort him, a stranger he doesn’t even know the name of.

“Thank you” he gasps when he is finally done and have washed his mouth. She smiles and hands him a towel he uses to dry his hands and mouth in.

“You are welcome” she says, “My name is Jessica. You can just call me Jess. I guess we didn’t get an introduction before everything went down.” They shake hands and Castiel finds her calmness appealing, despite the red Mark on her collarbone that tells him she should be so very different.

“Castiel” he says. She makes a small grimace at the sound of his name, so small people usually don’t catch it, but Castiel is used to people finding his name weird so he sees it.

“I know it is a mouthful” he tells her and none of them comments on how breathless he sounds, “My parents were very old-fashioned and highly religious. They named me after an angel, as they did my sister too.”

“Yes, well I prefer to go by the name Anna” Anna interrupts him as she appears from the hall, “Anael sounds vulgar and not at all like who I am.” Jessica giggles a little but it is done in good humor and not as a way of insulting them.

“I completely understand” Jessica tells Anna and turns to Castiel, “Do you have a nickname you prefer too?”

“You may call me whatever you desire” he says, “But most people just calls me Cas.”

“How come I can’t call you Cassie then?” Balthazar asks. He stops next to Anna. It’s like they are never more than a few inches apart all the time. It makes Castiel’s head spin to think about.

“Because that is a woman’s name and I am not a woman” he answers and rubs his forehead, “I think I would like to lie down now. I feel rather uncomfortable.” That statement makes Jessica snort amused.

“You have a way with words that’s for sure” she tells him, but makes way so he can walk past her, “Rather uncomfortable must be the understatement of the year after what happened to you.” He doesn’t respond to her, but he doesn’t think she is waiting for a response. A headache is building and he is trying desperately to just stay in the present and not fall into his own mind again.

Anna sweeps in before he can settle on the couch again and he gratefully leans back against her, resting his head in her lap while she runs her fingers through his hair. His body is screaming for contact and it soothes a small portion of the agony to having Anna cuddle him like she used to when they were younger and only had each other to relay on.

But it still doesn’t soothe the intense pain or coldness he feels. Before he knows it, tears are running down his cheeks without his permission and Anna bends down to rest their foreheads together.

“I promise everything is going to be okay brother” she whispers to him, “I will make everything okay. I got you.” It only makes him cry harder because she can’t possibly save him this time. He knows he is lost, damaged beyond repair. The only person who could save him is the only person who refuses to even know his name or be in his presence.

Castiel falls asleep some time later with those thoughts haunting his mind.

* * *

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

What the fuck just happened? How could Dean’s Soulmate have appeared like that out of nowhere and in the middle of that shit-storm that was already happening? And why couldn’t he control his own body? It was like he had been forced to make the Bond. He hadn’t had any control whatsoever. Dean hates that! He hates it like he has never hated anything before.

If he had decided to make the Bond, that he wanted it, he would have liked to know the person first at least. He didn’t just want to be another of those mindless idiots that jumps their Soulmate before even knowing their name or hearing their voice. Dean would have liked to just say ‘Hey, I’m Dean, what’s your name? Let’s get this party started’ first, but oh, nope! Not gonna happen apparently. He understands people a little better now, if that’s how it always feels to meet your Soulmate. He is never gonna laugh at peoples mindless running towards each other again. That shit is difficult, if not impossible to prevent. But again, maybe if both Dean and his Soulmate had wanted to wait, it had been possible. Well, it didn’t seem like he had a choice now. He was forced to Bond with someone he didn’t even know.

And that light. Dean knows what it means, what the new silver color of his Mark means, but how the hell can _he_ of all people be one of the rare Lunang Soulmates everybody strives to be? It fucks him up to just think about it and what it means. He knows people will start hunting him, will start begging him for tests and answers to questions Dean doesn’t know shit about. That he will be known for this and that people will expect him to do great things just because his Mark is a special color.

But it didn’t compare an inch to the true fucking _terror_ Dean had felt after the Bond had been made and he had realized that those insanely blue eyes had belonged to a _man._ A goddamn man! Dean wasn’t gay. He wasn’t! He liked women and breasts and curvy forms and yeah, _maybe_ he had experimented with door number two once or twice, but hey, all teenage boys did it at some point just to make sure there wasn’t anything they had misunderstood. Dean wasn’t gay and had never been and was never going to be.

But again, it didn’t even come _close_ to the fear he felt when he realized people around them had whipped out their phones and started recording them like animals in a zoo. Like, seriously? Didn’t people have anything better to do besides sticking their noses in other people’s business?

He had freaked. Dean admits that. He had been so fucking scared of the consequences that this would have that he had taken the easy way out. Run. Run as goddamn fast that you can and don’t look back.

Now, when the dull ache of the Rejection Sickness is starting to set in he regrets that decision a bit. When something happens inside, something that feels like doors being unlocked and pain, agony and confusion rushes into his mind, he slams the breaks and forces the Impala to a full stop instantly. He only just manages to open the door and crawl out before he is emptying his stomach on the side of the road like the coward he is.

Several minutes later he doesn’t feel like puking anymore, but he doesn’t feel completely awesome either. He drags himself back into the car and without knowing it he falls asleep sitting straight up the second his eyelids touches.

* * *

When he wakes up, it’s to a sun high on the sky and another round of puking and twisting agony from his soul. It screams for him to go back, to grab that stranger and hold him close so the Bond can have time to fully form.

Dean doesn’t do it. Instead he forces himself to slam the door and set the Impala in gear before he whips her around and starts driving for the only person he can think of having the answers for all his questions.

He realizes how late into the day it is when two unfamiliar faces greets him at the entrance to the visitors center at the prison. He doesn’t speak to them, but just rushes down the familiar way after requesting to see his dad and when they have done their pad-down of him.

His dad is being led in as he rushes through the door. The guards don’t even get the chance to link him to the table before Dean has thrown his arms around Dad, startling not just him, but the guards too.

“Hey Dean” Dad calls, “What the hell is wrong with you?” Dean forces himself to pull back and look Dad in the eyes, even though he knows he looks like shit. Fuck, it had been so good to just hug him. What was wrong with him?

Oh, yeah. Rejection Sickness.

“What happened?” Dad asks immediately in his army-voice, telling Dean to fess up quickly.

“I-I don’t know” he gasps and fuck his voice is ruined, “I was having a shitty day and then Sam started bitching and…”

“Wow, Sam? Is something wrong with Sam?” Dad asks horrified.

“No, Dad! Sam is perfectly fine!” Dean barks, “It’s me! I-I… I don’t know what the fuck happened, but he was just _there_ and then my body felt all weird, like I couldn’t control it and then there was this _light_ and, fuck, people started recording me Dad! Like honest to God stuff their phones into my face! And-and I just ran. I didn’t know what to do. I got the fuck outta there, didn’t even think and now I feel like complete shit!” Dean finishes his speech and drops down on the metal bench spent and drained of energy.

“I might need to hear that story one more time in slow-motion” Dad says as he sits down too and allows the guards to cuff him to the table, “Tell me again. Slowly.”

Dean takes a deep breath and decides that the only way Dad is going to understand him while he is hurting this bad, is to just show him. So Dean pulls the sleeve of his T-shirt away from his shoulder, revealing the new silver Mark shining proudly on his skin.

Dad sucks in a surprised breath when his eyes falls on it. Dean hears the guards mutter fascinated too and quickly pull the sleeve down again.

“You found your Soulmate” Dad says in awe and leans in over the table, “Tell me about her. How is she? Is she beautiful? I bet she is, guy like you gotta catch the biggest fish in the lake. Oh I bet you are going to make beautiful babies someday.” Dean feels even worse hearing his dad say that. Like it wasn’t problematic dealing with the Sickness pulsating inside him, now he has to deal with disappointing his dad too. But there’s no way around it, he can’t lie.

“There ain’t gonna be any grandchildren Dad” he says and every word tastes like betrayal on his tongue, bitter and foul.

“What? Why?” Dad asks surprised.

“Because she is a goddamn man, that’s why” Dean answers angrily, “Why the hell do you think I’m so fucked up? It ain’t nerves! I know what to do with a woman. I didn’t wanna find this stupid Soulmate but I was fucking prepared for it if I ever accidently did and I had prepared for a woman! But nooooo, Fate is gonna give me a man because She knows I can’t do shit about it.” Dean stands up and begins pacing.

“But to make it even worse, hey let’s throw in a Lunang Bond too, make it even more difficult for them to stay away from each other!” Dean continues and he knows he sounds a little maniac right now but boohoo. “Too bad Dean! No family for you!”

“Are you done?” Dad asks him when Dean plops down again exhausted. His head feels like there is 50 tiny gnomes beating on his skull from the inside.

“Yeah I’m done” Dean mutters.

“Good, then I can give you this” Dad says right before he bitch-slaps Dean on the side of the head. It makes the guards chuckle, but they don’t react to it. They know it isn’t threatening. It’s just a father trying to educate his son. Besides, as far as Dean knows Dad is a good inmate, never makes any trouble and always follows the rules.

Dean’s rubs the place he hit and gives him a glare no matter what. “What the hell was that for?” he asks.

“You left him, didn’t you?” Dad asks disapproving, “You saw he was a man and you freaked out and you left.” Dean nods slightly, embarrassed with himself.

“Why?”

“Oh because he was a man, duh!” Dean says.

“And that fact means that I now owe your mother 50 bucks and nothing else” Dad says. Dean is so fucking confused he can’t even see straight. Or maybe that has something to do with the Sickness. It could be that too.

“But I’m not gay!” Dean exclaims. Dad starts laughing, honest to God laughing at him.

“First of all” Dad says when he can breathe again, “Your Soulmate being a man doesn’t necessarily mean you are gay, Dean. Soulmates are more than just lovers. He is first and foremost your friend and ally. Possibly the only human being you can truly trust with everything in your life, and yes that is taking Sam and myself into account too.”

Dean tries to accept that view but he finds it difficult. It strides against everything he have believed his entire life. Yeah, he knows that Soulmates aren’t always lovers. Sometimes it is twin siblings sharing the Bond, or other family members or just simply two friends supporting each other through life. But Dean always thought that when he found his Soulmate, it would be the woman he was supposed to live the rest of his life with, who he would have kids with and built a home and a family with. It’s hard to let that dream go, even if he haven’t wanted it for some time.

“Second of all” Dad continues, “Being gay isn’t something wrong or nasty.” Dean feels shockwave pulse through him. It makes Dad laugh softly again.

“Oh yeah your Daddy was prepared for anything before I found your mother” Dad says and it shocks Dean so fucking much. Like, what the fuck? Is his dad seriously sitting here, telling him that if his Soulmate had turned out to be a dude, he wouldn’t have seen anything wrong in jumping his bones instantly?

“I’m not saying I ain’t happy it was your mom. No, I like women and has always preferred them, but had my special somebody turned out to be a man? Yeah, I would have just gone with it, seen where it lead me. Love is love, no matter which form it comes from and even with the loss of your mother, I truly believe that still. You shouldn’t resist and deny yourself this happiness just because it isn’t the picture you had imagined. Who knows, maybe this guy can surprise you. Maybe you can surprise him.” Dad looks at him curiously.

“Did you even get his name?” he asks. Dean is shocked again.

He didn’t. He ran away before the guy could even open his mouth. Before he had even said one damn thing to Dean. And what had Dean done? Insulted him, called him a freak, when he didn’t know if it was true.

And now he had doomed them both to feel this agony twist inside them, their souls crying out for each other. Holy shit fuck, how stupid was he allowed to be in one single day?

“I gotta go see him” Dean says and stands. Dad gives him a huge smile and nods.

“Yeah you really should. Don’t reject him just because he is a him. Get to know him before you make assumptions.” Dean nods and starts walking out of the room.

“Hey! Call me when things have settled!” Dad calls after him and Dean gives him a wave before he turns around the corner.

He has to move fast because this pain inside is edging closer and closer to maddening, making it hard for him to keep control over his limbs.

When he reaches the Impala the first thing he does is find his phone. He’s not surprised to see the 50 missed calls and voices mails and texts from Sam that waits for him.

Dean pushes speaker on and plays the first message while he starts up the Impala. He decides to drive slowly because he doesn’t trust himself.

“Dean!” Sam’s voice screams breathlessly from the speaker, “What the fuck do you think you are doing? You can’t just piss off like that, not when we have finally found your Soulmate! Get back here immediately or so help me God I will kick your ass!”

Beep.

“Dean Winchester, if you are not back here within the hour I’m disowning you.”

Beep.

“Fuck, Dean it’s been two hours now! Castiel is really sick you idiot! You can’t just abandon him! He’s done nothing wrong! Just, whatever is going through your head right now, we can fix it. We can help you. Just, come back, okay? Please Dean, please, please just come back.”

Beep.

“Dean, he has finally fallen asleep after puking his guts up in our bathroom. I’m not gonna lie, both me and Jess and Cas’ family are pretty pissed at you, but we all just want you to come back. Please.”

Beep.

“You bastard!” a British angry voice says, “If you don’t get back here and fix this I’m going to rip your balls off with my teeth. I know Cassie might not be what you expected but he doesn’t deserve this pain. Get back here, now.”

Beep.

“Dean!” Sam’s voice calls frightened, “Castiel is cramping. He has a fever we can’t get down and his mumbling nonsense. Where the hell are you? Please come back.”

Beep.

“I hope you aren’t lying in a wreck somewhere unconscious or worse. Fuck Dean, what the hell were you thinking?”

The voice messages end with another beep and the phone falls silent. Dean is feeling like the worst fucking person in the world. Sam is right to be angry. They all are. Fuck, what had he been thinking?

It doesn’t matter know. All that matters is that he gets there as soon as possible. He pushes the pedal down a bit and feels the Impala roar as she picks up speed.

_Hang on Castiel. I’m coming._

* * *

This must be what it feels like to die.

There is nothing else than can explain the pain he is going through. It’s not even a physical pain. It spiritual. Mental. It’s his soul that is hurting, not his body.

Castiel has lost count of the hours by now. He knows he has slept through the night, but he doesn’t feel less tired. His body is cramping on and off, his skin is clammy and his clothes soaked with sweat and he is pretty sure that Anna and Sam put him in a shower at some point with all his clothes on and opened for the cold water.

He didn’t feel it. All he could feel was ice fire burning inside him and the desperate calls of his soul.

The first relief from the pain he feels is when he hears a silent voice whisper in his head, a voice he doesn’t know. _Hang on Castiel. I’m coming._

The voice feels like soothing balm spread over an infected wound and it makes him cry again. He thought that he had cried so much he didn’t have any tears left, but he was apparently wrong. He breaks down sobbing Dean’s name, still lying in Anna’s lap with her hands in his hair. It is disturbing. Castiel isn’t normally a man that cries. He is stronger than that, but apparently not now.

He knows he is causing the people around him pain and despair too, but he can’t control himself.

And then a miracle happens. The door to the apartment is kicked up and a rush of excitement hurls through his insides. He hears panting and yelling, people arguing. When he looks up, he sees green eyes first and thinks that he has finally lost his mind. That cannot possibly be the man the fled the mere sight of him.

But he comes closer, eyes locked with Castiel’s with an expression of hurt and guilt and sorrow on his face. It’s first when he feels Anna tense under him that he lets himself hope that this is not just a fraction of his imagination.

“Move” Dean growls and his voice sends warming waves through Castiel’s body.

“What do you think you are doing?!” Anna yells at him instantly, “How could you just leave him like that!”

“Lady, I said move your fucking ass and let me be with my Soulmate!” Dean shoots back, “Isn’t that what you people have been trying to force me to do? So move!” The anger in his voice seems to startle Anna and she moves quickly from under Castiel’s body. He is still weak and hurting so his body just slumps down in the pillows left behind and he lets a whimper escape him.

The first touch is like the touch of an Angel. Dean’s hands fits under his armpits perfectly and he lifts Castiel’s body up before sitting down himself. He pulls Castiel against his chest and wraps him in his arms, holding him tightly against him no matter how disgusting Castiel must be.

It feels like a surge of power exploding in him. His own arms springs up and his fingers latch onto Dean’s shirt, holding on for dear life as if he is afraid of Dean disappearing again. Maybe he is. All the pain and tension and emptiness bleeds right out of him and is replaced with unmatchable joy and peace, a feeling of home that he has missed his whole life.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so fucking sorry” Dean whispers in his ear, “I’m a goddamn idiot. A horrible horrible human. You deserve so much better than me. I’m so sorry.” He repeats himself dozens of times more and Castiel just soaks it up like sunlight after too long darkness. He cries of happiness now instead of loneliness and he has never felt more complete than he does now, in the arms of his Soulmate, safe and secure and finally free.

“Dean” he grasps when he feels he has the strength to do it. Dean responds immediately by holding him closer.

“I’m here, don’t worry I’m not leaving you again” he says. And somehow, Castiel believes him despite everything that has happened.

He feels hope for the first time, a hope that isn’t in danger of bursting like it have so many times before.

This time it feels like a promise.

* * *

Dean has never seen a sight as heartbreaking as the one he saw when he burst through Sam’s front door and found Castiel lying on the couch against the body of a red-haired woman, wrapped in blankets and crying like someone had just stolen everything from him.

Well, that someone was Dean and he had stolen everything from him.

Dean had walked straight over there and politely (okay maybe not politely) asked the woman holding Castiel to get the fuck away from him so Dean could hold him. He had never felt a calling so strong before and Dean had been ready to drag the woman away from _his_ Soulmate by the hair if she hadn’t moved by herself. Luckily she did and Dean gripped Castiel instantly and wrapped him in his own arms instead.

It had felt like Christmas and his birthday and the 4th of July and Thanksgiving all at once and then even better. It was instant relief, a wave of calm and rightness and peace flowing through his body.

Then came the guilt and he couldn’t do anything besides whisper apologies to the man he was holding. He didn’t even care it was a man, all he knew that it was right.

30 minutes and _a lot_ of apologies later, Castiel stops crying and his body goes lax against Dean. It freaks him out at first, until he sees that Castiel has just fallen asleep. He felt so safe in Dean’s arms, a strangers arms, that he fell asleep. Well, Dean isn’t going to destroy that peace now, so he just leans back so he is half lying, half sitting on the couch. The red-haired woman comes over and pulls a blanket up over Castiel’s shoulders before running a hand through his hair with a smile.

The smile dies when Dean’s and her eyes meet.

“I’m not done with you” she whispers angrily to him and points a finger at his nose, “I’m going to make you wish you were never born.”

Dean opens his mouth to answer, but is interrupted by a very deep, husky warning voice. “Anna.” It’s a shockwave more moving through Dean’s body when he realizes that voice came from Castiel. He looks down to Castiel’s face. He is resting against Dean’s chest, his right cheek squashed against Dean’s shirt, his eyes are closed and there is a smile on his lips, but it is small.

The red-haired woman looks down and Dean guesses she must be Anna. “He’s going to pay for what he did Cas!” she says softly to him, but it sounds just as threatening as before. Castiel opens his eyes and the blueness in them makes Dean’s breath catch in his throat. Damn _those eyes_.

“Please let it be for now” Castiel says, “I am alright.” Anna don’t seem happy about it but she backs down. With another sour glance at Dean she walks over to a blonde man, which Dean guesses must be the British guy who had left a voicemail on his phone. Sam and Jess is standing beside them, both looking at Dean with judging eyes and Dean feels himself sink down into the couch further. Dean gives Sam a pleading look. Sam sighs but understands.

“Let’s give them some space” Sam tells the others, “How about we go get something to eat?” Anna and the British dude looks at Dean and Castiel again, clearly not comfortable leaving them alone.

“Look guys, I know I fucked up, but I ain’t going anywhere” Dean says. The British guy snorts.

“Bloody right you aren’t” he says, “If you do I’m going to dismember you. Slowly and painfully.”

“Balthazar!” Anna exclaims horrified. The guy, Balthazar, looks at her with a lifted eyebrow.

“What? Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it too” he says defensively.

“You are an officer of the law Balt” Castiel mumbles sleepy. Balthazar snorts again.

“Well, you just watch me Cassie. I don’t give two shits about my badge, if this arsehole leaves you again I’m going to hunt him down” he says with his eyes stabbing into Dean’s.

“Please don’t call me that” Castiel says. Balthazar just waves his hands dismissively.

“I get it, you are a badass, but I’m telling you, I’m not going anywhere. So just go okay?” Dean says a bit annoyed. No matter how much he fucked up, he isn’t going to sit here and listen to this guy’s threats without fighting back.

“Please” Castiel adds pleadingly. It seems that does it and all four of them walk out of the room after having cast a last long look at them. Four minutes later the front door slams close after Sam had said he had his phone on him and they could just call if there were anything they needed.

Silence follows.

Dean starts to feel a little uncomfortable lying here with a stranger against him, but Castiel seems untouched by that fact. He nuzzles his face deeper into Dean’s shirt and sighs happily.

“You smell very nice” he says. Dean swallows a lump.

“Eh… thanks?” he answers unsure. Awkward doesn’t even start to explain this situation. Fuck.

Castiel picks up on the hesitation in Dean’s voice and looks up again. “Are you feeling uncomfortable?”

“Yeah a bit” Dean admits, because why the hell not? This guy is supposed to be Dean’s everything. It’s better to start this, whatever it is, without lies and walls build between them.

“Would you like me to move?” Castiel asks.

“Maybe just a little. My butt is going numb” Dean says and tries to give him a teasing smile. Castiel turns pink instantly and moves. It’s clear that he is still feeling a little weak after the Sickness, so Dean helps him sit up against the armrest on the other side despite his own funny feeling body. Then Dean moves himself so he is sitting better, moving the pillows around to make a better back to lean against. He don’t even know what he is doing when he reaches over and tucks the blanket up over Castiel’s body again.

“It is fine, Dean” Castiel says, “I’m not cold anymore.” Dean drags his hands away instantly.

“Oh, right” he mumbles. A long sigh escapes him and he runs his hands through his hair, unable to figure out how to do this. This is the point in the process that nobody talks about. The awkwardness of getting to know a new person, a person that should become your everything.

“Is it…” Castiel starts unsure, “Would it be okay if I still touch you a little? I still feel uncomfortable inside.” Fuck, his voice is so deep and rough but sounds so fragile and tiny at the same time. How is that possible?

“Eh sure. Here, throw your legs over mine” he says and claps his thighs. Castiel gives him an unsure glance before he does as Dean suggested. His body relaxes instantly as soon as they are touching and wow. That is just even weirder. How can Dean do that to him, when Castiel doesn’t even know him?

“Better?” Dean asks. Castiel smiles.

“Much.”

“That’s good.” They are silent again, looking in different directions.

“I find it difficult to find anything appropriate to initiate a conversation with” Castiel says a few minutes later. Dean snorts amused.

“You always talk this funny?” he asks him. Castiel tilts his head a bit and looks curiously at him.

“Do you think I talk funny?” he asks. Dean shrugs.

“It’s unusual” he admits.

“I apologize.”

“No it’s fine. Just gonna get used to it I guess.” Silence again.

“Perhaps we should start with introductions?” Castiel offers. Dean looks up and nods.

“Yeah, properly best.” Castiel reaches his hand out, the right one and Dean can’t help stare at the Mark that matches his perfectly.

“Castiel Milton” Castiel says, “But you can call me Cas, if you want.” Dean pulls himself out of his trance and grabs Castiel’s hand and shakes it.

“Dean Winchester. You can just call me Dean.” Castiel smiles and releases his hand.

“So where do you come from?” Dean continues.

“I live at the Hobs Riva Mental Facility in Tampa, Florida” Castiel answers. Dean’s eyebrows shoot up into his forehead without permission.

“A psych ward?” Dean says. Castiel nods.

“It was protocol that forced me to be admitted when I turned 30 when I still hadn’t Bonded” he explains.

“Suicide watch” Dean breathes, “Dude, how old are you?”

“I turned 35 last September” he answers. Holy fuck!

“Shit, Fate must be laughing her ass off right now” Dean says without knowing why. Fuck, this dude is old as fuck. Or, well not _that_ old. It could be much much worse, but still. 8 years are a fucking long time when Soulmates are supposed to be born at the same time. How did Dean get into this mess?

“And you must be around 27 years old” Castiel says, ignoring what Dean just said.

“Yeah turned 27 yesterday… but how did you know that?”

“I received my Mark when I was 8 years old and I remember the date. It is a simple math equation” Castiel answers.

“Oh, so you are smart too. Good to know” Dean jokes. Castiel looks confused.

“It was logical. It tells you nothing about my intelligence” he says. Dean just stares at him. Are he serious?

Looks that way. “Just.. never mind. Let’s move on to something else” Dean says. Castiel nods.

“So, what do you do?” Dean asks.

“Life at the facility is quite simple and boring I’m afraid. They schedule activities and social meetings but nothing I enjoyed much” Castiel answers, “Mostly I just stay by myself in my room.”

“Sounds boring as hell” Dean comments.

“It could be, yes” Castiel agrees. Dean had been heading straight for that. Fuck. He can’t even begin to imagine the self-control this guy must have. Dean would have been crazy after two days. This guy survived what… five years? In a place like that. It earns him a great deal of respect. It must have been worse than hell.

“What about you?” Castiel asks. Dean looks up.

“Oh, I work dayshifts at a coffee shop Monday to Friday and at a friend’s garage evenings and weekends” he answers.

“That is a lot of work for one as young as yourself” Castiel says.

“Yeah, I gotta help Sammy pay the bills and stuff. I rather work two jobs and make sure he focuses on his school than have him work on the side” Dean says blushing.

“You do not go to college?”

“Nah, I’m no good with books and that shit. I’m better with my hands” Dean answers.

“Don’t your parents support your brother too then?” Castiel asks. Dean feels a tug of sadness.

“Nope. My mom is dead and my dad is in prison.”

“Oh” Castiel responds surprised.

“Yeah… it’s a long story, but my mom got shot and my dad broke the scumbags neck. He went to prison willingly after that. Turned himself in and everything, but it didn’t make the judge go easy on him. He was put on death-row.”

“I’m sorry” Castiel says, sounding genuinely sorry.

“Don’t be. Sam is working on becoming a lawyer so he can get our dad outta there. That’s why it’s so important for the kid to focus on school. We don’t have much time left.”

“I see.” Dean looks away and they fall silent again. He don’t like talking about this, least of all with strangers, but somehow it feels okay to tell Castiel about it. Maybe that has something to do with their new Bond.

“So you are a barista and a mechanic” Castiel says after a while. Dean makes a grimace.

“Dude, I’m not a fucking barista. I’m not a chick” Dean says. Castiel smiles.

“But that is the term to use for the kind of work you do, correct?” he says smugly.

“Whatever” Dean mumbles, “I’m a dude that serves coffee and cakes and makes sandwiches for a living. Ha fucking ha.”

“It is an honorable job” Castiel says seriously, “You provide a service to people who do not have the time to prepare food or coffee for themselves. It is no less masculine than repairing a car or anything else.”

“Well, some people don’t think that way” Dean says.

“Then ‘some people’ are idiots” Castiel responds, “And what does their opinion matter? As long as you are happy with what you do, then other people can go fuck themselves.” Dean barks a surprised laugh.

“Did you just curse?” he says.

“I have my moments” Castiel answers sounding very pleased with himself.

“You’re alright Cas” Dean tells him.

“As are you” Castiel says.

More silence.

“Dean” Castiel says slowly, “If you don’t mind me asking… your reaction was very confusing to me…”

“You wanna know why I ran out on you” Dean interrupts.

“Yes. Did I do something wrong?” he asks and fuck, he sounds so unsure and breakable. Dean sighs. Better just fess up and get it over with.

“I freaked out” Dean begins, “I have given up all hope of ever finding you. I didn’t want to, not after what happened to my dad after my mom died. And then you just showed up outta nowhere. I couldn’t even control my own body. Everything was just so fucked up and I was angry to begin with. Then the light disappeared and I saw that you were a dude and people started filming us. I just ran. I couldn’t deal with what it meant. I needed time to think. Nothing happened like I had thought I would and it was hard to get past the fact that you weren’t a woman.”

“I see” Castiel says, “I understand. I was quite surprised myself. I had accepted that I wouldn’t find you, but then Anna said she found you on the new website she had discovered and forced me to come out here to meet you…”

“Website?” Dean interrupts, “What website?” It couldn’t be the one Sam had talked about, could it?

“Something called BlessingAngels.com apparently” Castiel answers and Dean snorts, “Yes, it is a funny thing to call a website. But they offered the technology of pattern recognition to people who subscribed. They could match Marks uploaded on the site and they found you.”

“But I never signed up…” Dean starts but then it just hits him, “Sam! Oh my fucking God, he signed me up without telling me! I’m gonna kill him!”

“Please don’t. I don’t want to see Balthazar arrest you” Castiel says.

“He did it without asking!” Dean says.

“Yes, I assumed as much. I am sure he did it to try and help you, to protect you.”

“Yeah, well he should have fucking warned me” Dean says sulking. He knows that Sam was properly trying to tell him about it before Dean told him to shut up, but it doesn’t matter. Sam should have asked permission before signing Dean up, have given him time to adjust to the fact that his Soulmate had been standing outside waiting for him for some time before being thrown in his face. Maybe it would have helped him react differently.

“You know I’m sorry for what happened right?” Dean says silently, “At the bar… I didn’t think.”

“I know and I forgive you” Castiel says, “I am just happy you decided to give me a chance.”

“Yeah me too” Dean says. They smile to each other and Dean feels the Bond beat softly within him.

It’s going to be alright. They are going to get through this together.

* * *

Talking to Dean is pleasant. It makes Castiel’s soul purr happily and makes his heart feel full and healthy. He is relaxed and content and it almost feels surreal to look around and realize that he finally did it. He found his Soulmate. The peace he feels is so foreign and strange compared to the discomfort and pain he is so used to. The constant ache in his Mark is completely gone and replaced with a slow vibrating stream of warmth and caress under the skin. He can feel it hum every time Dean’s green eyes turns to look at him.

They are interrupted with the return of Anna and the others. They have brought food for them and they eat together happily, finally able to stomach something. There are a few harsh comments sent Dean’s way, but Castiel brushes them off before Dean can answer, telling them that it doesn’t matter anymore. They have made their peace with what happened.

Dean says he wants to go home and shower because he feels ‘gross’ after everything. Castiel thinks he is referring to the intense vomiting they both experienced and Castiel agrees that a shower would do some good. He would like to change into something else too, because he realizes he is wearing a t-shirt and a pair of soft cloth pants belonging to Sam. They had been forced to change him into something comfortable and dry after having pushed him into a cold shower fully clothed to try and lower his temperature.

Dean offers Castiel to go with him home and use his shower, because he knows that being apart right now is unwise. Castiel accepts despite Anna’s and Balthazar’s protests. He reminds them that he is a grown man and he can take care of himself just fine. They reluctantly agrees but tells him to call if anything happens. Sam and Jessica offers them to stay at their apartment, but they say that they themselves need showers and rest, so they will go find a hotel somewhere.

The drive to Dean’s apartment is silent but comfortable. Castiel has his suitcase with his belongings with him and feels like this was something he could get very used to. Just being near Dean makes him happier than ever.

Dean’s apartment is small, but cozy. His kitchen and living room is one room together, but it’s nice. It is filled with posters and pictures, some of which he discovers Dean himself have drawn. That ends in a discussion of Dean’s hidden talent as an artist and he is shown several books with drawings more beautiful than anything he has ever seen before.

When he sees the newest of Dean’s work, the dark and twisted pictures, he is surprised, because he knows instantly what they portray.

“You have captured the loneliness very well” he tells Dean. Dean blushes slightly and looks away.

“Yeah, it was hard to deal with and I just needed to get it out you know?” he mumbles. Castiel closes the notebook and turns to him.

“You are very talented” he tells him truthfully, “Despite the obvious problems in the pictures, I like them very much.”

“Yeah my ‘talent’ can’t really unfold like it should without my…” Dean stops talking and his eyes snap over to Castiel instantly, wide and surprised.

“Holy fuck!” Dean exclaims and grabs the notebook. He rushes over to a small dark couch and sits down, instantly grabbing a pen and finding a blank paper in the book. Castiel walks over and sits down beside him, but doesn’t interrupt his work.

Seeing Dean’s hand brush the pen over the paper, creating images from his mind is hypnotizing. It is just a simple drawing of a lily, but Castiel can see that Dean’s talent has already evolved much. The lines are more precise, the image more alive. When Dean finishes the rough sketch he leans back with a disbelieving sigh, looking at the picture in front of him.

“It works” he says, “I… I don’t know what to say.” He looks up at Castiel. “Dude, I could fucking kiss you!”

Both of them is startled by that statement. Dean blushes deeply and looks away again. “You know what I mean” he mutters, “I’ve been so frustrated by this and now it’s just fixed. You can’t imagine what it feels like.”

“I think I do” Castiel says, “I’m a sort of artist myself. My pictures is just draw with words instead of a pen.” Dean looks up again.

“Really? You’re a writer?” he asks. Castiel nods.

“I am, but like you, I was unable to perfect my work. I stopped writing my stories down a few years ago. It was hard to see them collect dust without ever being complete.”

“You got anyone with you?” Dean asks excited.

“I do…” Castiel says slowly.

“Can I see? I mean, it’s okay if you don’t wanna, I’ll respect that” Dean says quickly. Castiel thinks about it for a few seconds before he stands up and goes to collect his suitcase standing just inside the front door. He brings the suitcase to the table next to the couch and sits down again. He opens it up, but freezes when he sees the blue box full of his medicine. He gently lifts it with a hand and stares at it.

He haven’t taken his medicine in over 12 hours.

“What’s that?” Dean asks curiously.

“My medicine” Castiel answers, “I just realized I haven’t taken it in over half a day.”

“Is that bad?” Dean asks, “I can go get you some water if you need it.” Castiel places the box on the table next to the suitcase and looks at Dean.

“I don’t need it anymore” he says. Dean’s eyes widen when he realizes what Castiel means.

“They popped you full of pills because you were un-Bonded?” he asks.

“It is protocol. Anti-depressants and mood stabilizers. Everything that could help me not kill myself.”

“Dude that is so fucked up” Dean says disgusted.

“I was far from the worst case” Castiel tells him, “The girl living next to me is only 29, but she has already tried to kill herself 6 times. She has to be restrained and watched over constantly.”

“So you are saying you are badass” Dean says. Castiel thinks he might be trying to lift the mood and he just goes with it.

“I am very ‘badass’” he says proudly. Castiel sorts through his belongings and takes the first binder with one of his printed stories he finds. He gives it to Dean.

“Perhaps I could use your shower while you read?” he offers. Dean nods and quickly shows him to the bathroom. Castiel says thank you and locks the door after having retrieved a clean set of clothes and accepted a towel from Dean.

When the door is closed and Castiel is standing in front of the mirror waiting for the water to warm, he sees a light in his own eyes that has been missing for many years. Silently he examines it and smiles at his own reflection before turning away, heading for the shower.

He thinks it suits him.

* * *

This story that Castiel wrote is absolutely amazing. Dean has never read anything like it.

It is about a peacock hatchling’s life growing up around his many siblings, waiting for his feathers to grow and change color. The peacock hatchling’s brothers and sisters feathers grow and turn like they should, but the hatchling’s does not. He is old enough for them to grow, but they don’t. They stay soft and fluffy like they have been since the day he hatched from his egg. He is sad and feels lost watching his family and friends grow long colorful feathers, showing them off to each other and to potential mates.

The story ends suddenly with no closure, but it doesn’t make it less fantastic. While Dean reads he feels the emotions trapped in the paper, he sees the big wonderful paintings of environments he has never seen before. They get painted by brushes in front of his eyes by the words, swirling around in his mind, expressing the meaning that is hidden beneath simple words.

He continues to stare at the paper truly amazed until the bathroom door he is sitting by opens up and Castiel walks out with a cloud of steam surrounding his feet and legs. He is dressed in simple black pants and a blue shirt now. His hair looks completely black, but Dean knows it’s just the water in it that turns it from dark brown to pitch black.

He looks much more alive now. Much more real and Dean stares at him unable to say anything. His eyes wanders to Castiel’s fingers that is correcting his clothes and running through his hair and tries to understand that those fingers created the masterpiece he is holding in his hands.

“Why are you sitting on the floor?” Castiel asks him suddenly. Dean snaps back to reality and looks at the floor beside him.

“Eh… felt better to wait here than in the living room” he says truthfully. He had tried going back to the couch to read, but something had made him stop and sit down here instead.

“Oh, okay” Castiel says, “Would you like to get up or are you planning to continue to sit and stare at me?” Dean stands up immediately and hands the binder with the story back to Castiel.

“It was amazing” he tells him, “Really good. It’s sad you haven’t finished it.” Castiel smiles sadly to the binder and starts walking. They stop at the couch and his suitcase were he drops the binder again.

“It’s like that with all my stories. I can’t finish them. There is always something missing” he says. Dean places his hand on Castiel’s shoulder and squeezes gently.

“Not anymore” he says. Castiel looks up and the look in his eyes says that he has just realized that himself. That he isn’t missing anything anymore. He can finish them now.

Dean laughs softly. “What about I order some pizza for us, huh? Could use some real food that hasn’t come from a plant. You can try your new skills while we wait” he says. Castiel nods.

“Yes that sounds very nice” he says. He sits down and takes the pen Dean used to draw earlier, opens the binder on the last page and starts writing with soft, gentle strokes. Dean huffs another laugh before he walks into the kitchen to get the pizza menus from the local restaurants.

When his fingers hover over his phone, he stops. He promised he would call his dad as soon as everything settled. It’s only 6 PM so it should be okay to call him.

Dean pushes the number for the prisons visitor area and asks the woman he gets hold of to talk to John Winchester. It takes ten minutes before his dad’s voice breaks through the awful waiting melody he had been forced to listen too.

“Hey Dad” he says.

“Dean, how is that Soulmate of yours?” Dad asks.

“He’s fine Dad, I fixed it. He’s sitting in my living room right now writing like there’s no tomorrow.”

“A writer huh? Fancy that.”

“Yeah fancy that.” There’s intense silence before his dad speaks again.

“Dean, you need to listen to me and listen closely” Dad says. The hushed whisper he talks in makes Dean nervous.

“What is wrong?” he asks.

“You need to take you Soulmate and get out of the city” Dad says, “You need to go fast before someone finds you. I’m sure they already have people looking.”

“What? Dad, what the hell are you talking about? Who is looking?” Dean asks nervously.

“I don’t have time to explain right now” Dad says, “Quickly, write this down.” Dean hurries into the living room and snatched the pen from Castiel’s fingers. He flips through his notebook to find a blank page and ignores Castiel’s irritated glances.

“You ready?” Dad asks.

“Yeah, shoot.”

“5-16-09-35” Dad says, “You’ll also need the combination 75-13-09. Call Bobby and say _Poughkeepsie_ instantly. He’ll know what it means. Do everything he says and _don’t_ stop for anything, do you hear me? Even if it’s Sam or someone you know. You follow every single direction Bobby gives you and you don’t look back.”

“Yeah Dad, but why?” Dean asks.

“Just do it. You’ll get all the answers later, but right now you need to trust me son.” Dean looks at Castiel who is looking back confused.

“Did you hear me Dean?” Dad says when Dean doesn’t answer.

“Yes sir!” Dean says immediately.

“Good. Now go Dean. Protect your Soulmate. Don’t call me again and don’t tell Sam anything before you are safe.” Dad hangs up the phone at the same second, leaving Dean completely fucking confused. Dean knows that when Dad says something like this, he isn’t screwing around. Something is clearly very wrong and it could potentially become dangerous for Castiel too. Why else would Dad had said to protect him?

“What is it?” Castiel asks him and stands. Dean grabs his forearm and pulls him closer, eyes locked with his.

“Do you trust me?” he asks. Castiel’s eyes widen in surprise, but he nods a few seconds later.

“Yes” he answers. It sounds true, but Dean can’t know if it is. He’ll just have to trust both Castiel and his Dad in this.

“I need to ask you to do something for me, but I can’t tell you why” Dean says, “I don’t even know what is going on, but my dad told me to get the hell out of here and fast. His army buddy Bobby, the man that owns the garage I work at, can help us. He has answers.”

“Is something wrong?” he asks nervously.

“I don’t know but I have never heard my dad sound so scared and careful before” Dean says, “He told me to protect you no matter what, that someone was coming. I don’t know what or who, but I trust my dad. When he says we gotta go, then we gotta go.”

Castiel thinks it over for a while but nods.

“Do what you must. I’m with you.” Dean nods back and hurries to dial Bobby’s number. Bobby picks up after three beeps.

“This better be damn important idjit. I’m in the middle of my favorite show” Bobby says.

“Poughkeepsie” Dean says instantly. There is silence and a muffled rattle. Dean thinks Bobby might be double checking the number who is calling him.

“Aw hell” Bobby’s voice says from a distance before it comes back full force, “Okay. You idjits better listen up.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There you go! Tell me what you think?  
> As you can see, there will be more to come, so stay tuned for more Soul-Bond story! It will properly take some time, but I promise to continue it. It's my birthday tomorrow so I don't have time to write too much the next few days.  
> Okay, bye!  
> And as always, you can find me on Tumblr on: http://beautiful-hellfire.tumblr.com/


	3. Send Me On My Way

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Running, speeches and a little bit of genius ingenuity.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow, it has been hectic the last couple of days. Celebrating a birthday is hard work, did you know that?  
> Anyways, this chapter took longer than anticipated to write, but here it is.  
> Enjoy. 
> 
> Warning: Spoilers in end-notes. Also, I didn't edit it through as many times as I did with the other chapters, so if there are mistakes, sorry. Point them out and I will fix them.

_First of all, you need a bag. One each. Small, easy to carry but with room enough._

_Second, clothes. Don’t overdo it._

_Third, provisions. Anything that can survive without a fridge._

_Fourth, personal belongings. Everything you don’t want others to get their hands on or want to lose._

_I’m coming over as fast as I can. I will knock on the door five times, and precisely five. You will ask who it is and I’ll answer with Poughkeepsie. If I say anything else or knock a different amount of times you get the hell out of there. If anyone else comes knocking, you run. If someone calls you, you ignore it. If someone forces their way into your apartment, you run. You will only open the door for me and only if I knock and say the right thing. Anything else and you run. Use the fire escape._

* * *

News vans. There are news vans on the side of the road, just outside his apartment in front of the entrance. Dean can see at least 20 different people swarming around on the sidewalk, some holding huge cameras, others microphones. They are grouped together, two, three or four people standing next to a van, talking to each other.

What are they doing here?

Even though he is asking himself that question, Dean knows the answer. They are here for them. The biggest news in this century. His phone started ringing non-stop after he hang up with Bobby (or Bobby hang up on him, because that was what really happened) and he had to turn it off just to get some peace. It was like the call to Bobby kick-started the storm that had been brewing silently since yesterday when Castiel and him first met.

Speaking of Cas, he is standing next to Dean, watching the people on the street silently with an expression similar to horror on his face. They are shoulder to shoulder, not touching but close to it. Something inside Dean itches, driving him crazy, but he doesn’t know how to scratch it away.

His hand moves by itself with that thought, grapping the one Cas has hanging loosely by his side. It’s like a mechanism imprinted in them. Their fingers wave together like they have done it a thousand times before and not like it is the first time at all. The itch subsides a little and Dean turns to look at Cas’ face, still wrapped in nervousness, watching the people outside.

“It’s gonna be okay Cas” he tells him softly without knowing why. He don’t know what Cas is thinking or why he seems so nervous, but he can guess. “I’m not gonna let them touch you.” Cas’ fingers squeeze harder around Dean’s and he looks up. His eyes are wide and scared and innocent, just watching Dean like he can’t really understand that he is standing here, saying this stuff.

Dean can relate to how he feel. It is so weird to have lived your entire life without your second half, fighting alone through everything life throws at you, never having that support you crave so much and then suddenly having it next to you, offering and soothing the ache inside you with just a single touch. He isn’t saying that the support from Sam, Dad and Mom or his friends hadn’t been there, not at all. But their support wasn’t enough, it was never enough. Their love and comfort just never wiped out the pit in his stomach that craved Cas so much.

It was like putting sun balm on already red and burned skin. It prevented further hurt for a while and dulled the pain a little, but it didn’t make the skin heal again. Having the support and comfort of your Soulmate was remembering to put on factor 150 sun balm before even going out into the sun. It was like having magic, instantly healing and closing the pit in your stomach, no matter how huge it had become.

It is fucking weird, but fucking awesome. But mostly weird. It will take some time to get used to, Dean thinks.

“What do you think are going to happen?” Cas asks him silently. His eyes flickers to the two bags standing on the couch ready to go. “Who do you think are coming for us?” Dean watches the bags too, feeling the slow slide of dread pulling through his veins like too-big rocks.

“I dunno” he answers truthfully, “Everybody I guess.” Cas looks back at him at that, eyes sadder than before. Dean knows what Cas is going to say before he have even opened his mouth.

“I am sorry” Cas says, “I would never have forced this on you if I had known your preferences.” Their fingers slide apart as Dean walks a couple of steps away, feeling uncomfortable. Cas’ eyes and voice is so filled with emotions, feelings and words unspoken. It makes Dean ache all over because he wish he could just open up as easily as anybody else, trust Cas without an issue, but the truth is that he can’t. He won’t allow himself too. He doesn’t trust the feelings he gets from Cas. He doesn’t even know him.

They are supposed to be good, the feelings. He knows that. But he has lived most of his life fighting against those feelings, those cravings, telling himself that _he_ would be different. He would teach everyone out there that is unable to find their Soulmates like him that they can survive. That they are stronger than an ancient magic-thing trying to decide the course their lives will take. That they can defeat Fate if they just fight hard enough.

And here he is, falling like everybody else after the first look into the eyes of the human assigned to him. He is as much a slave to the Soul-Bonds as everybody else.

Well, he can still teach a lesson. And perhaps with the silver Lunang Mark on his skin people will actually listen.

“Don’t be, Cas” he says and looks back at Cas that still looks sad, “Done is done. We just have to make the best of it, I guess.”

Cas opens his mouth to respond, but gets interrupted when the first loud knock sounds on the front door. They both stiffen and their heads whip around to look at it.

 **Knock.** Silence. **Knock.** Silence. **Knock.** Silence. **Knock.**

Five knocks.

Dean walks over to the door as silently he can and leans close to it. “Who is it?” he asks loudly enough for the person outside to be able to hear him.

“ _Poughkeepsie_ ” is answered instantly and Dean unlocks the door as fast as he can. Bobby storms inside the second he hears the lock click, rips the door from Dean’s hands and closes it. The lock clicks again and he sighs deeply. He is out of breath and looks ruffled like he ran all the way there.

“I’m getting to old for this” Bobby mutters to the door before he turns around and looks all over the apartment. His eyes freeze on Cas and Dean can see the surprise shining brightly out of him for three seconds before he hides it away again.

“Ah balls” he huffs, “You got yourself a _male_ Soulmate. Guess your mamma was right then.” Bobby looks at Dean from the corner of his eyes. “You’re damn lucky I’m an old boy scout.” Bobby walks over to Cas and sticks his left hand out. “Robert Singer” he introduces himself, “I’m an old army buddy of John’s and a friend of Dean’s.” Cas grabs Bobby’s left hand with his right and shakes it.

“Castiel Milton” Cas says, but Bobby isn’t listening. He pulls Cas’ hand closer and lifts it to his face so he can examine the Mark on his skin. It only takes a silent shake of the head from Dean to make Cas stop trying to pull it back. After some seconds Bobby releases it with a huff and turns away to dump a huge bag from his shoulder on the table.

“You got everything ready?” Bobby asks.

“Yes sir” Dean answers immediately. Bobby look the duffel bag and the small backpack over. He nods his approval and zips his own bag open.

“All electronics you got on you gotta go” he says, “Phones, GPS, laptops, watches, anything with an uplink to the internet. Anything that can be tracked.” Dean drops his phone on the table instantly and Cas follows a little more hesitantly a few seconds later.

Bobby pulls a cloth bag from the giant one and throws it in Dean’s face. “Change. You gotta blend in and that..." Bobby gestures to Dean's clothes, "... you are wearing are too much _you._ We gotta make you invisible, anonymous.” He looks up at Cas.

“I guess you don’t wear pretty black dresses?” he says.

“…No sir, I usually don’t” Cas answers. Dean snorts but tries to kill his laugher when Bobby lifts an eyebrow at him. He ignores Dean and hands Cas another cloth bag. “As said, good for you that I was a boy scout. Be prepared and all that shit. Hope it fits. I didn’t know your size.” He waves them away. Dean pulls Cas with him when he leaves.

“You can change in the bathroom” Dean tells him and goes to his bedroom. He pushes the door half-closed with a foot and strips down.

Four minutes later he is dressed in a black suit with a red tie and white dress shirt. He puts on his boots again before he walks back to the living room.

“Looking good kid” Bobby huffs with his nose buried in a map. He is drawing on it with a white pen but when Dean looks down, there isn’t anything drawn on it.

“What are you doing?” he asks. Bobby ignores him in favor of looking at something behind him. He nods towards it and when Dean turns around he finds Cas standing in the doorway looking down at himself. He is wearing a dark blue suit, a little too big for him, a white dress shirt and a blue tie that is on backwards. He is looking down himself like he has never experienced wearing clothes before.

“I am not completely sure this is a fit” Cas says and looks up. His eyes widen when he sees Dean and he walks toward him. “You look very nice in a suit” he breathes. Two seconds later he is blushing deep red as if that was a thought that shouldn’t have escaped him. “I-I mean it s-suits you” he stammers.

Dean can’t help it. He cracks a grin and nudges Cas’ arm. “So the suit _suits_ me?” he asks. Cas rolls his eyes at him and walks over to Bobby. It seems Dean’s joke kicked him out of his embarrassment.

“You think you are so damn cute” Bobby tells Dean.

“I think I’m adorable” Dean shoots back and smiles wider when Bobby and Cas shares a glance. They are silently agreeing that Dean is _not_ adorable.

“I pity you” Bobby tells Cas. He turns back to the map and draws a few stripes more before folding it. He stuffs it into Dean’s duffel bag. A envelope at the size of a dog gets pulled out from Bobby’s bag.

“This is cash” Bobby explains, “Everything you have to buy, you pay cash. No exceptions.” He stuffs the envelope into the bag too. “You stay away from big cities, you don’t call anyone, not even from a payphone. Stay away from cameras, ATMs, big shops or supermarkets, train stations, airports… Hell, you get the picture.” Bobby hands them both a passport and some other papers. Dean flips his open and finds his own picture next to the name Dean Smith, born May 1987 and from Texas.

“Hey I can’t pretend to be from Texas” Dean says, “I don’t have the accent.”

“Then lie boy. Use that head of yours. Say you’ve worked in California for many years and that’s how it got wiped, I don’t care” bobby says, “That’s what you got so work with it.”

Dean huffs unimpressed but slides his passport into the inner pocket of his suit jacket. His eyes flickers to Cas who is still looking at his passport. He walks over and spies on it over Cas’ shoulder.

“How’d you get the pic of Cas?” Dean asks Bobby.

“Got a friend who pulled it up when you changed” Bobby answers as he packs some other things into their bags, “The technology these days. I can’t keep up. Luckily Frank is a goddamn natural.” Dean’s eyes slides from the picture of a younger Cas to the name next to it.

“Emmanuel Allen?” Dean reads out loud in disbelief. Bobby looks up at him with a _are-you-really-gonna-start-with-me-boy?_ -look on his face.

“I improvised!” Bobby exclaims, “You try to make a passport that is believable in under five minutes.” Dean holds his hands up and backs away.

“So…” he starts after a silence, “Are you ever gonna tell us what is going on?” He just stuffs the new driver’s license and birth certificate and so on into his pocket next to the passport. Dean sees Cas do the same too.

“Don’t got the time” Bobby says, “Pick up your stuff. We are leaving.” Bobby throws them a jacket each, one black normal looking one for Dean and a beige trench coat for Cas, which they both put on as soon as they are in their hands. Bobby abandons his bag on the table and walks to the door.

He leads them through the halls, eyes trailing anything and everything around them. Dean can’t help do the same. He remembers all these war games Dad used to arrange for him and Sam and their friends. War games that kept being there even when they grew up and started using paint-ball guns to spice it up. Those were good times, times that Dean misses.

Cas walks behind Dean, closely following him without a sound.

Just before they reach the elevator it dings. The doors start to slide up revealing several men and women in suits and Bobby practically shoves them into the staircase and pulls the door closed.

“Don’t take the Impala. Lot 55A, everything you’ll need is in the trunk” Bobby whispers. He mouths _run_ to Dean before he disappears.

“Can I help you fellas find something?” Dean hears him ask seconds later. Dean can’t move. He is too tensed to even move his eyelids to blink. Who are those people? Why didn’t Bobby want them to see them? Are those the people after Dean and Cas?

“We are looking for Dean Winchester. We were told his residence was in this building” a deep voice answers closely. Guess that answered the question.

“Winchester? What did that idjit do now?” Bobby asks annoyed, “It’s the loud music right?”

“It’s… confidential” the man answers, “We just need to speak to Mr. Winchester. Can you lead us to his apartment?”

“If it mean you’ll make him shut up at 3 AM, then yeah. Follow me.”

“I assure you, I will ‘shut him up’” the man says silently, so silently Bobby couldn’t possibly have heard it and it makes Dean’s blood freeze in his veins. The next thing Dean hears is footsteps leading away from them. Then Cas grabs him around the elbow and pulls him along.

“Come on” he whispers.

They reach the parking cellar a few minutes later and Dean turns to the end where lot 55A is. He finds a Volkswagen there. It’s small and common. It’s paint is red but is faded so it looks almost pink and the tires are clearly from the ’60-ies.

“Oh you got to be _kidding_ me” Dean whispers angrily. Bobby can’t possibly believe Dean would ever drive _this._ It’s an abomination on wheels.

“Dean! Get. In!” Cas hisses to him. He has already opened the passenger door and thrown his backpack into the backseat. Dean obeys immediately, deciding to momentarily ignore the abomination-on-wheels in favor of the “running” they are supposed to do. He throws his duffel bag in Cas’ arms and yanks the door at the driver seat up. He slides in and finds the keys in the ignition. Cas puts Dean’s bag on the backseat too before getting in, slamming the door shut.

The car coughs a few times before it starts with a hick-up. Dean shakes his head, sending a sweet thought to his baby in lot 193B and sets the abomination in gear before backing out of the square box painted on the ground.

He navigates through the cellar, deciding to exit in the back, thinking that there won’t be people waiting for them there.

He is wrong. The second they are hit by sunlight there are people swarming them with cameras. Dean hits the breaks so they don’t run over some unlucky bastard and it makes the swarm thicker. They start knocking on the windows.

“Fuck off!” Dean yells to them. He honks the horn but it doesn’t help. They just keep knocking and shouting questions at them.

“Just a few quick questions sir!”

“What are your names?”

“How old are you?”

“Did you know you were Lunang Soulmates?”

“Tell us how your Bonding felt.”

“Why did you run away?”

“Sir? Sir! How did it feel to be abandoned? When did he come back?”

“Are you lovers? Does the Bond compel you to be?”

Dean has trouble hearing the questions apart, all of them are thrown at him and Cas. He honks the horn again and again and the people react by practically climbing on top of the car. There are faces everywhere, lips moving in questions drowning in the noise, cameras pointing at them, blitzes flashing.

Cas pulls away from his window with a look of fear in his eyes. “Dean!” he breathes panicked. It makes Dean’s blood boil. Like hell these scumbags are going to force a panic attack on Cas just to satisfy their own curiosity. He punches the speeder and the car starts driving. The people in front of the car jumps out of the way in the last second and he whips the car around the corner, entering the traffic on their way to the highway. Dean don’t know where he is headed, he just drives. The people run after them but they disappear in the distance.

“You okay?” he asks when he can’t see the reporters anymore. His eyes flickers from the road to Cas quickly.

“Yes” Cas answers a little breathy, “They were very intrusive.”

“Yeah well that’s the media right there” Dean responds, “Point is we got away in one piece.”

“Yes.” They fall silent and Dean pushes the pedal down further, forcing the car to drive faster. They have to get away from the city first. Then they can start asking questions about what the fuck is going on later.

* * *

They are driving down a deserted road three hours later, still in silence. Both of them has been thinking to themselves, just trying to make sense of what is happening to them. Castiel can’t figure it out. He knew the second he saw the light from their Marks that people would be eager to ask questions. He had expected some attention, but this is so far from everything he had ever imagined.

He don’t know why they are running either. He is not entirely sure that it was a good idea to agree to it. If the media, the people, get their curiosity satisfied then won’t they leave Dean and himself alone?

But he can’t ignore the way Dean had looked after the conversation with his father. He had been just as confused as Castiel, but also scared. Nervous. He said that if his father said they needed to run, they needed to run. Dean had to trust his father, just as Castiel had been forced to trust Dean. Besides, Robert Singer seemed to think that it was just as important and even though Castiel doesn't know him, he feels like he can trust him, just as he can trust Dean.

And how could he not? He is sure Dean would have left without him if he had said no. Castiel couldn’t let him disappear again so soon. He was frightened of being alone again, of the Rejection Sickness attacking his mind and soul again. He needs to be next to Dean, needs to be in his presence so his soul is at peace.

That is what he is telling himself at least. Deep inside he knows that there is another reason, but he won’t admit it. Not yet. It is far too soon.

Castiel pulls out of his thoughts and turns his head to look out the window. His eyes finds the sun that are slowly sinking behind the hills in the distance. The sky it lit orange and red, the trees surrounding them turning darker. A few birds fly above the tree tops and Castiel rolls the window down so he can hear them sing. He sighs and breathes in the crisp evening air, letting it’s freshness soothe his inner discomfort. The radio is playing lowly, filling the air with the rhythmic beats of a drum. Dean had turned it on a few hours ago without a word. Castiel thinks it might have been to break the silence between them.

“It must be nice to be out in the world again” Dean says suddenly, silently so he doesn’t startle Castiel. Castiel keeps his eyes closed and breathes deeply again.

“Yes, it is” he answers. It really is. He had missed this, the freedom of just breathing fresh air instead of the filtered air in the facility. This is more alive, more real. Being able to see a sunset is just even better. He haven’t seen one in almost five years. His room pointed in the wrong direction and the small window he had couldn’t even give him a mouthful of fresh air.

“It feels free” Castiel whispers. Dean doesn’t answer or comment so Castiel thinks that he didn’t hear him. It doesn’t matter either way. All that matters is that he is here and he is with Dean.

But there is something that has poked at him since they started driving.

“Dean?” he asks softly. Dean grunts. “I want to call Anna.” Dean looks at him quickly.

“You can’t do that” he says.

“But she don’t know where I am. She must be very worried” Castiel says. Dean sighs.

“Yeah I know. Sam is properly going outta his mind too, but we can’t Cas. My dad said we shouldn’t call anyone before we were safe and you heard Bobby. No calls, not even from a payphone.”

“Why?” Castiel asks.

“I dunno” Dean says. He breathes deeply. “Fuck, I don’t know anything. I hate it, but everyone has to stay in the dark for now. My dad had a reason to make us run. Until we know what that reason is, we’ll just have to hope they won’t do something stupid to find us.” Castiel looks out the window again.

“I don’t like it” he tells Dean.

“I don’t either, but that’s how it has to be Cas. I’m sorry.” Castiel doesn’t answer.

“I’m thinking of pulling in at the next motel” Dean says to change the subject, “We need food and sleep.”

“Yes, and it would be wise to look through the things your friend provided us with” Castiel says. Dean nods when their eyes meet quickly and they fall silent again.

30 minutes later they pull into the parking lot next to a long house made of tree planks. A big sign over the door read “The Roadhouse”, which Castiel thinks is fitting. It is literally on the side of the road.

They exit the car and walk inside together. Castiel sees Dean cast glances around them nervously, like he is expecting them to be attacked at any second. Castiel decides to ignore it for now.

When they enter they find themselves in a bar. There is a long disk to the right occupied by two women servicing a few men with warm smiles. One is younger than the other with blond curly hair and a nice face. The elder woman has brown hair and a smile that is more a teasing smirk than anything else. Castiel gets the impression of this woman being very strict but merciful.

Dean walks over to the disk instantly and Castiel follows him. The elder woman eyes them up when she approaches. She stops in front of them and rests her hands on her hips.

“What can I do for you two?” she asks. Dean gives her a smile that would have made Castiel soft in the knees. The woman seems unaffected.

“We need a room for the night. You got anyone available?” Dean asks.

“Yeah I got one” the woman says, “But it’s one King only.” She looks from Dean to Castiel.

“That’s okay. I’ll just sleep on the floor or something” Dean says. He takes out his wallet that he had filled with some of the money Robert Singer had provided them with.

“How much?” Dean asks.

“50” she answers, “But I don’t want any funny business under my roof.” Dean gives her another smile.

“Promise. We’ll be outta your hair before breakfast.” He pays for the room and signs the guestbook the woman hands him.

“I need to see ID boys” she says, “I gotta make sure who to sue if you break anything.” Dean shows her his new driver’s license and she looks it over quickly, writing the name down. “Dean Smith?” she asks with an raised eyebrow, “You think I’m stupid?” Dean makes his face look really insulted.

“Listen lady, not that it’s any of your business, but I didn’t exactly get to choose my name myself, did I? Can’t help my parents are named Smith, now can I?” he says. Castiel are impressed with Dean’s ability to lie. It is bullet proof if you don’t know he is lying. His voice sounds just right and his expression is spot on. it is very impressing to watch.

“Fair enough” the woman says and gives the driver’s license back to Dean. She turns to look at Castiel. “You too gorgeous.” Castiel finds the driver’s license he got and hands it over. The woman lifts an eyebrow again when she reads the name.

“Emmanuel. It’s the name of an angel” Castiel says quickly, “My parents were very religious. It means ‘God is with us’.” Well, it wasn’t exactly a lie. Emmanuel was the name of an angel and Castiel’s parents is very religious. That’s how he got stuck with Castiel after all.

”Is that so? Fascinating” the woman says, but it sounds sarcastic. She hands the driver’s license back and writes the name down. She signs the paper sheet in the bottom before ripping it in half and hands Dean half of it. She gives him a key too. “Room 9. The bar closes at 2 AM, no showers after midnight and breakfast is served at 7. Watch the sound level and the rule is “if you break it, you buy it.” Got it?”

“Got it” Dean says. He walk out the door again and gestures for Castiel to follow him. Castiel nods to the woman behind the disk.

“Thank you” he tells her before he turns around to follow Dean.

“Hey kid” the woman calls after him. Castiel stops and looks questioningly at her over his shoulder. Did she just call him a child?

She is walking out from behind the disk and over to him. She offers him her hand and he accepts it after a few unsure seconds, shaking it firmly.

“I’m Ellen Harvelle” she says, “I own the place.”

“I see” Castiel responds, unsure. Ellen leans closer.

“Whatever you guys are running from, you are safe here” she whispers and looks down. Castiel realizes that she is looking at his Mark. “I guess it has something to do with that” she says and lets go of his hand. They watch each other, blue eyes searching brown ones.

“I… I-I can’t talk ab…”

“Doesn’t matter” Ellen interrupts him, “Just know that you are safe here. I gave you the room easiest to escape if you have to get out of here fast. Park behind the big tree. There is a road leading into the forest and on to the highway from there.” Castiel searches her eyes again but they seem just as genuine and honest as before.

“Thank you” he repeats. She nods.

“Hey Manny!” Dean calls from outside, “Get your ass out here. I’m not carrying your shit!” Ellen smiles and gestures to the door.

“You heard him” she says and walks back to the disk, “Come get some food if you have the time. You look like you could need a break.”

“We will” Castiel says. He walks out of the door before anyone else can start asking questions. He finds Dean looking annoyed next to the car. Castiel smiles warmly too him and walks over to explain about the secrete parking spot and getaway road.

* * *

“I don’t like it” Dean says when they finally get inside the room, “How did she know that we were running? No, something smells funny and it ain’t the sheets.” Dean places his bag on the bed and kicks off his shoes. Castiel looks around the room and can’t find anything that would smell funny.

The room is nice, small but decorated so it doesn’t seem crowded. There is a window in the middle of the farthest wall, framed by flowered lace curtains in a soft pink color that matches the sheets on the bed. The furniture is made of wood, probably pine and painted with a glistening oil. They look antique, but Castiel knows that appearances can be deceiving. The large King sized bed is standing in the middle of the room, the headboard directly under the window with a nightstand on either side, occupied by a small table lamp with a red shade over the light bulb. Other than that, there is a small the kitchen on his left side, a couple of fake paintings on the walls and a dark wooden door right next to it, properly leading to the bathroom. All in all, a okay room but he cannot locate anything that would "smell funny".

“Not all people are bad, Dean” Castiel tells him, deciding that the smelly object isn’t as important as discussing Ellen Harvelle. He pulls his arms out of the trench coat he had been provided and hangs it on the hook next to the door. He takes off his shoes and the suit jacket too before trying to loosen the tie.

“It sure as hell looks like it” Dean says.

“They are not. Besides, I looked into her eyes and saw no lies Dean” Castiel says, “I think we can trust her.” He grunts annoyed when the tie wont untie itself. Dean appears in front of him and bats his hands away.

“And what? You are a living breathing lie-detector now or what?” Dean asks him while he works the tie. Castiel’s breath comes a little quicker. He searches Dean’s face as Dean’s hands tries to work the knot of the silky tie open.

“I am very observant” Castiel tells him. Dean looks into his eyes quickly. Their gaze feels like lightning shooting down Castiel’s spine. The spell is broken when Dean looks away again. Dean slides the tie off Castiel’s neck and throws it on the table. He turns around and walks over to sit on the bed.

“I dunno Cas” he says while rubbing his face, “My dad said we should keep low, don’t talk to anybody. I just don’t like she knew so fast. I mean we didn’t say anything about it. How did she know? We are hours from home right now.”

“I don’t know. Perhaps she is observant, like me. Sees more than people are willing to show.” Dean looks up.

“Is that supposed to make it okay?” he asks, “What if she calls the media?”

“I don’t think she will. As said, she didn’t seem to lie when she said we would be safe here.” Dean snorts and looks away again. He sighs. Castiel walks over in front of him.

“Good things do happen, Dean” Castiel says softly. It makes Dean snort again.

“Not in my experience” he mumbles. That hurts a little. No, that hurts a lot. Castiel thinks Dean is the best thing that has ever happened to him, no matter the current circumstances. He is happy that he found Dean. Apparently, Dean doesn’t feel the same.

Castiel walks back to his backpack to try and hide the hurt he feels and picks it up. “If you don’t like being here we can leave again. But we both need rest and food. And I would like another shower.” He turns around again and finds Dean looking at him.

“Yeah, you’re right. Go shower. I’ll find something to eat” he says. Castiel nods and walks to the bathroom without a word. He closes the door and a few seconds later he hears the front door open and close when Dean leaves.

Castiel sighs and goes to turn on the water. He strips down and slides under the stream. The water pressure is awful and the water half-warm, but he can feel the sweat from the drive wash off him, making him feel more alive again. He rests his forehead against the tiles and closes his eyes.

He feels like an inconvenience to Dean. Like he is just in the way. Even though Dean came back and cured the Rejection Sickness for the both of them, Castiel still feels like Dean would rather be without him, that he is only doing this to avoid the Sickness. It hurts much more that it should. They have only just met, they don’t know each other well yet, but Castiel can’t deny that he feels himself long to be in Dean’s arms again like before. He can’t deny that Dean has already grown on him and Castiel don’t know if that is the Bond speaking or his heart deciding that Dean could be a man he could love, if he got the chance.

It doesn’t matter anyway. Dean makes it clear that the only reason Castiel is still allowed to be near him is because of the Mark they share.

Castiel looks at it, the silver stripes and dots on his right hand. He rubs it gently with the other hand, his fingers sliding over the water slick skin. Something so small shouldn’t have the power to control humans as strongly as it do. It shouldn’t be able to doom two strangers to fight an unknown war together. But it does and Castiel just have to follow the road Fate has chosen for them. There is nothing else he can do. He won’t fall victim to the Rejection Sickness again. He won’t live the rest of his life in the facility. Not anymore. Not after meeting Dean. Not after tasting freedom again.

No matter what Dean is willing to offer Castiel, Castiel will take it. It’s better than living in loneliness.

It’s better than living with the madness.

* * *

Dean comes back with two servings of burgers and fries just as Castiel steps out of the bathroom redressed. They eat in silence, looking in opposite directions. The silence is quickly becoming something known between them. Like a wall Castiel can't break down. 

Afterwards Castiel moves to the bed and turns on the small television standing on an even smaller box on the right side of the bed. Dean unfolds the map Robert Singer had given them and begins to study it. Castiel knows that he should join Dean to figure out what they are supposed to do, but he wants to watch the news. It is a ritual he hasn’t broken in five years. Every day he could be found in the T.V room in the facility watching the evening news, just to catch up on everything happening in the world.

The first channel he lands on is showing an orange haired woman wearing a white blouse. She is talking into a microphone, standing outside a large white building with the words Heaven Inc. written in nice thin gold letters over two large black doors.

“… we are standing outside Heaven Inc., one of the largest companies in the country specializing in the Soulmate Marks that we are all born with and founders of the largest Soulmate research team ever known” the woman informs the viewers, “We all know them for the unique insight they have given into our biological pasts and last year’s release of the so-called Soul-painkillers really put Heaven Inc. on the map. The newest input from Heaven Inc. is the website known as BlessingAngels.com that has helped over 2000 people find their Soulmates already. Right now we are waiting for the official speaker of the company Naomi Glenory to take the stage, so she can enlighten us about what they are planning to do about the almost miraculous event that took place in California last night. To the new viewers that hasn’t heard of this yet, there has apparently been a Lunang Soul-Bonding between two unknown men… Oh here she is!”

The picture changes from that of the woman, to another woman walking out from the black doors. She is black haired, her hair is bound in a tight knot on the back of her head, she is tall and wearing a tight grey suit. Her expression is cool and professional, and if Castiel has to admit it, quite intimidating.

“Dean” Castiel calls, feeling very uncomfortable. Dean comes over and looks at the screen just as the words _‘Breaking News! Lunang Soul-Bonding reported!’_

“What the hell is this?” Dean asks and sits down on the bed next to Castiel.

“It is apparently a press conference” Castiel answers, as the black haired woman stops behind a stand with too many microphones to count imbedded on top.

“Good evening” the woman says in the microphones. A box appears in the bottom of the screen, saying _‘Naomi Glenory; Speaker for Heaven Inc.’_

“As you all know, there has been reports of a Lunang Soul-Bonding having taken place yesterday night in California” Naomi says, “I can confirm after our team of researchers have analyzed the many videos send by witnesses that this is indeed a Lunang Bond that has been made. I can further more say that these two individuals have found each other through our very own site. It is the first confirmed and Bonded Lunang Soulmates the world have seen in 144 years, the last pair being Charles Dickens and Catherine Hogart.” She looks up and over the crowd in front of her.

“A team of our finest researchers have been asked to approach the two men identified as Dean Winchester and Castiel Milton to ask them permission to look into the unique structure of their Bond. We wish to examine what makes them different than other Soulmates and how far their connection goes in order to figure out if their unique Bond can help other un-Bonded individuals live a more full life without their Soulmate. Imagine what secretes are hidden in just a drop of these two lucky men’s blood. Imagine the answers we could get from just watching them interact. A possible cure for the un-Bonded, a chance of living outside mental facilities even after reaching their 30th birthday without the risk of suicide, an understanding of the Rejection Sickness, new drugs that can help. The possibilities are limitless.” Naomi looks down again and shuffles some small cards she has in her hands.

“I know you have many questions” she continues, “But before I answer them, I will allow the team leader to talk about his plan of approach.” Naomi steps down and tall man raises from a chair in the background and takes the stand. He has blond hair and light-blue eyes and a smile that is very displeasing. It is like his smile makes you sympathize with him before he have even opened his mouth and it makes Castiel very uncomfortable. It is not right.

“Hello! My name is Luce Lordel, I’m the head of the research department here at Heaven Inc. and brother to our CEO Michael Lordel” the man says, “My team of researchers have already left to try and contact the newly Bonded Lunang Soulmates. As our dear Naomi said, the possibilities of this pairs uniqueness is limitless, but I would like to point out that they represent a significant danger too…”

“What the hell?!” Dean exclaims just as the crowd on the television breaks out in an explosion of questions too, “We aren’t dangerous! Who the hell does he think he is?”

Luce Lordel lifts his hands to silence the masses in front of him and the yelling dies down quickly.

“I am not trying to cause a public panic!” he says softly, comforting, “I am merely stating the obvious. We haven’t seen Lunang Soulmates since the 19th century, we don’t know anything about them. Back in Dickens time there wasn’t the same technology as we have today and there isn’t many observations from that time either. We simple don’t know what to expect, so it is better in my opinion to prepare for anything.”

“That is such bullshit” Dean says. Castiel stays silent because he doesn’t know what to say to this.

“I received a call from the leading researcher Alistair a few hours ago” Luce continues, “He said that they had tried to track down and make contact with Dean Winchester, hoping to find his Soulmate Castiel Milton with him at his home, but they were unsuccessful. Mr. Winchester and Mr. Milton has apparently moved on before we were able to make contact. Now, we don’t know the reason for this or what motives that is behind their disappearance. It is very possible that they have only decided that they needed some private Bonding time, which is very understandable. What they are facing much be very overwhelming.” Luce’s words sound so understanding but his expression tells Castiel that he is lying. He doesn’t mean a thing that he is saying.

“My team has still not been able to pin-point Dean and Castiel’s location and even their families have no idea where they are” he continues. Mumbles break out in the crowd.

“I am not suggesting a man-hunt” Luce says, “But if anyone sees Dean and Castiel, we here at Heaven Inc. would be delighted to hear about their where-abouts. Please, do not attempt to force anything on them if you should meet them. Allow our researchers to make contact themselves. Dean and Castiel is in their right to privacy no matter what Bond they have and also in their right to say no to our requests. We do not wish to force anything on them.”

“Oh he’s so full of it” Dean says, “Can you see it? The way his mouth twitches like he’s biting his own tongue? He’s lying his fucking ass off!”

“I agree” Castiel says, “It does seem like Mr. Lordel is not speaking the truth. But about what is the question.”

“’Bout everything” Dean says, “He’s so full of shit that it’s a miracle he can even stand up without it pouring outta his ears.” Castiel looks at Dean from the corner of his eye.

“I assume that was metaphoric” he says. Dean rolls his eyes.

“If Dean and Castiel is watching this” Luce continues and both Dean and Castiel turns their attention to the screen again, “Please, do not be frightened. We don’t mean for any harm to come to you. We only wish to ask for your help to help others. Take your time and think about this. Call us with your answer. I believe Naomi will provide the necessary information for this. Thank you.” Luce and Naomi switches places again. Naomi starts to give out information about email addresses and telephone numbers people can call to help in the search.

Dean stands up and walks over to the map again as soon as she begins to talk and Castiel turns off the television. He remains sitting on the bed thinking it over.

He feels very unsettled after that speech. He is in doubt.

On one side, he understands how important his and Dean’s Bond could be. It is very likely that there is something in their genetic structure that could help others live a more peaceful life. Medicine that could be made to soothe other un-Bonded peoples souls, make their aching less by just examining him and Dean.

But on the other side, he really don’t like the way Luce Lordel lied. He isn’t sure about what, but the point is that he did lie. Castiel dislikes people who are dishonest. And what did he lie about? About no harm coming to himself or Dean? About not wanting to force anything on them? Something else?

“You aren’t thinking about calling them are you?” Dean asks. Castiel startles a little, he had been too far down in his own thoughts.

“No” he answers. Dean looks up at him, still bend over the table.

“Good” Dean says and looks down again, “I don’t know what Bobby wanted us to see here. There’s nothing.” Castiel stands and joins Dean over the map. His eyes travels over the surface, but there isn’t anything out of the ordinary.

"I saw him drawing something on it, but there is nothing here" Dean tells him.

“Have you tried looking at the back?” Castiel asks. Dean spends a few seconds frozen before he turns the map with a slight blush on his cheeks.

“You’re always so goddamn smart” he mutters. Castiel ignores him in favor of running his fingers over 8 small words written in a black ink.

_Let the right light show what lies underneath._

“Let the right light…” Castiel mumbles to himself.

“What the hell is that supposed to mean?” Dean exclaims, “For Christ sake, I swear that man has watched National Treasure too many times.” Castiel looks up excited.

“That’s it!” he says.

“That’s _what_?” Dean asks annoyed.

“National Treasure” Castiel says. Dean just keeps looking at him like he has gone insane. Castiel sighs.

“In the first movie Nicolas Cage’s character steals the Declaration of Independence” he explains.

“Yeah, I know that Cas, I’ve seen them, but what does a movie have to do with this?” Dean points at the map again. Castiel shakes his head and runs his hands over the backside of the map.

“He steals it because there is a treasure map on it” Castiel says.

“Yes I know the movie!” Dean shouts irritated, “Can you just get on with it?”

“How can you not see it?” Castiel asks him, “Dean, how do they read the map?”

“They warm it with a blow dryer at first because it is invisible without heat…” Dean’s voice dies out. Castiel can see he gets it when his eyes widen.

“It’s invisible!” Dean exclaims, “Oh my God Bobby is a genius! Nobody else would know how to read the map, unless they know about his obsession with Nicolas Cage! That is fucking brilliant.”

“Yes” Castiel agrees, “And I think I know how to make it visible too.”

“Blow dryer?” Dean offers.

“No, UV light.” Castiel turns the map over and grabs Dean’s wrist. He slowly places his hand on the surface. “Fell how smooth it is?” he says. Dean nods and swallows. “Only special markers would be able to write on this and stick. And besides, the words on the back. Let the right light show what lies underneath. The _right_ light. I think he means the right wavelength of light.” Castiel looks up at Dean.

“Okay you lost me” Dean says and holds his hands up.

“Light is made of waves and each wave have a specific curve and bend” Castiel explains, “It is called the wavelength and each color of light lies within a specific…”

“Yeah, really not helping the confusion there Cas” Dean interrupts.

Castiel huff annoyed and gestures to the map. “Then how can I explain you it so you would understand?”

“Can’t we just agree that UV light is the light we need to use and get on with it?” Dean asks. Castiel sighs deeply and rubs his eyes.

“Of course. I can make a UV flashlight but I need some supplies” he says.

“You? You can make a UV light?”

“Yes” Castiel snaps, “I need a small UV LED light, a 9 volt battery and some wire.”

“Jesus!” Dean says, “Chill. I’ll see what I can find.”

“Good. And we need to hurry. I have a feeling that the men in the bar isn’t as trustworthy as Ellen Harvelle.”

* * *

Finding the right little stupid LED light is damn hard. Dean searches all night but Cas is never happy with what he finds. After a quick look in the phone book, Cas finds out that there is a small hardware store not far from the motel. Dean has no idea why there is a hardware store in the middle of nowhere but he don’t care. 

Problem is that they need to wait until morning to go, because it's closed. So Dean tells Cas to take the bed. He himself grabs one of the pillows and the top blanket before he finds himself a spot on the floor. Cas doesn't say anything to it, but he looks guilty when Dean lies down. Dean chooses to ignore it.

The next morning they eat breakfast in their room. It's just canned baked beans but it's better than nothing. Dean drives to the hardware store afterwards alone, because he just needs some space. Being around Cas is confusing, triggers to many strange feelings and longings inside him. Dean knows it's the Bond compelling them to be closer, but Dean can't do that. He just can't. So he focuses on finding the right stupid little LED light.

The guy at the counter recognizes Dean from the pictures in the news the second Dean enters the store and Dean tries to convince him that he isn’t the Dean Heaven Inc. are looking for. He can see it doesn’t work, so he sneaks the LED light into his pocket when the guys isn't looking and buys a battery to make sure the people following them won’t be able to figure out why he was here in the first place.

He speeds back to the motel after that.

As soon as Cas got his supplies he gets to work. Dean cleans up and packs their stuff while Cas is bend over the table. Dean knows they need to disappear again ASAP. If the guys in the bar last night hadn’t called the people who are after them after that press conference then the hardware guy certainly will. He seemed far too pleased about having seen Dean.

Fuck, they should properly do something about the way they look so they can’t be recognized so quickly.

“Hey Cas, I’m running again. I’ll be back” Dean says before he’s out the door again. He walks to the bar and finds the woman, Ellen, working behind the disk. The bar is empty so Dean walks straight over to her.

“Emmanuel said we could trust you” Dean tells her the second he is within reach. Ellen looks up surprised, she hadn’t heard him coming in.

“He said that you knew” Dean continues, “I wanna know how.” Ellen lifts an eyebrow and turns around. She picks up a remote and turns on a T.V. that is hanging in a corner. The first thing he sees is his own face smiling to everything from the screen.

“Oh” he says.

“Yeah” Ellen agrees, “I knew who you were the second you walked in here.” Dean pulls back a little, ready to run.

“Don’t worry boy, I haven’t called those bloodsuckers” Ellen says, “I told your man the truth, you are safe here.”

“What about the guys yesterday?” Dean asks and gestures to the stools that had been occupied.

“If they are able to remember anything today I’ll be surprised” she says, “But I disconnected the phone lines last night, just to be sure.” Dean nods.

“Okay.” Dean shuffles on his feet, unsure how to continue.

“Spit it out boy. What do you want? We both know you didn’t came in here for that” Ellen says.

“I need a favor” Dean says, “Supplies but I can’t go buy it myself.”

“You’ll be recognized to quickly” Ellen says, “You need something to change your appearance.” Dean nods again.

“I got just what you need.”

* * *

Ellen Harvelle is a funny woman.

Dean can’t figure out if she can be trusted or not, but he got what he came for. Hell, she even had more than he wanted and ideas for changes he hadn't even thought about. Dean is reluctant to admit it, but without Ellen him and Cas would properly have been too easy to recognize. Dean had thought that dyeing their hair would do the trick, but he Ellen said that their Marks and eyes would be easy to recognize too. And she told Dean to let his beard grow. That it would hide most of his face easily. Dean hadn't thought of that. 

When Dean gets back to the room Cas is still working on the UV light.

“Hey” Dean greets him. Cas only looks up quickly before he continues his work.

“Where were you?” he asks. Dean walks over and sees Cas fumble with some wires that looks like they have been ripped out of the remote control for the T.V.

“At the bar” he answers and puts a box of hair coloring down on the table along with the dark brown permanent marker and the glasses Ellen gave him.

“We need to disappear” Dean says.

“I agree” Cas mumbles.

“So, I figured we would change our appearance and make it harder for people to recognize us” Dean continues.

“That is a very clever idea” Cas says, “But my hair is already dark. I don’t see how making it black will change anything.”

“Oh this one is for me” Dean says with a smile, “You get this.” He waves the wig in front of Cas’ face and it makes him look up. He wrinkles his nose in disgust when he sees the long blond hair.

“That is awfully long” Cas says.

“We’ll just trim it so it looks better” Dean says and places it on the table, “But first thing first. Your Mark. It gotta go.” Cas’ eyes finds his immediately. He looks scared. Dean picks up the marker.

“I figures that if we paint it brown people won’t recognize you so easily” Dean says.

“And what about yours?” Cas asks.

“I’ll just have to try and keep my shirt on” Dean answers with a smile and a wink. Cas rolls his eyes.

“I think that we should paint the Mark on your hand too” he says, “That way people will think we are just another Eearna Soulmate pair.” Dean shrugs.

“Sure, whatever. Let’s do yours first though, it’s more important” Dean says.

“But I’m almost done here” Cas protests when Dean grabs his hand and pulls it over, “I need both my hands.”

“It can wait” Dean says and bites the cap of the marker. He flattens Cas’ hand out and starts drawing over the stripes and dots on his skin. Cas sulks silently but follows the marker as it turns bright silver into a deep brown.

“How is it?” Dean asks when he’s done. Cas lifts his hand and examines it closely.

“It feels wrong” Cas says, “I don’t like this color. It doesn’t feel right.”

“Well suck it up, it’s all we got” Dean tells him, “Now finish up. I’m gonna go do this.” He picks up the hair color. “And then we need to get outta here.” Cas nods and bends over his work again. Dean walks to the bathroom.

He colors his hair as quickly as he can. He was damn lucky that Ellen’s daughter Jo had one. Apparently she had considered dyeing her hair black, but hadn’t been sure it would be something she liked. Well, when Dean sees himself in the mirror with pitch black hair he is glad that it is one of those wash-out colors. It will disappear after a couple of showers. Thank God. He looks weird with black hair.

When he comes out Cas is standing with his UV light in his hand and is searching the map. He joins him and rolls his eyes when Cas looks skeptic at him.

“Yeah I know black isn’t my color” Dean says.

“I didn’t say anything” Cas responds and looks down again.

“Your face did” Dean shoots back before he too looks down. His eyes widen when he sees that the UV light reveals a route drawn in a screaming yellow color.

“Damn…” Dean breathes, “It worked.”

“Of course it did” Cas says. Dean looks at the UV light in Cas' hand. It is a empty pill bottle Cas has used to keep the wires together and hold the LED light. It even has a switch on the side so Cas can turn it on and off. Dean has no idea where Cas got the switch but it's fucking brilliant work. 

“Dude, how did you learn to do that?” Dean asks him impressed.

“I have had a lot of free time to waste in the last five years” Cas answers, “And I went to college.”

“Right” Dean mumbles embarrassed. How can he forget Cas had been trapped in a mental facility for years all the time?

“Where does it end?” he asks. Cas moves the light and Dean follows the stripe as it appears. He snorts surprised when it ends in a big circle drawn around a city and with an address written next to it.

“I hope you like spicy food” Dean tells Cas. His eyes are on the word written in big letters just underneath the circle.

_MEXICO._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updates will be slower from now on. I have a DCBB fic I'm writing and I need to focus on that for now. I have a check-in coming up and I'm nowhere near the point I wanted to be for that so.  
> This will be continued, but I don't now when I have time to sit down and write on it again, so I will have to ask you to be patient.  
> Anyways, I hope you liked it. I hate these "in-between" chapters, they are so hard to write, but I tried.  
> And for those of you who are curious, I researched the DIY UV light and found this video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I0-a7GQXz20  
> This is how I imagine Cas' UV light to look, just with a orange pill bottle instead of a white one. I properly spent 3 hours looking for a way to make a UV light at home. It was very educational. 
> 
> Until next time.  
> And thanks for reading!


	4. Enter The Maze Of Shadows

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The shadow maze of their pasts is a complicated place. Can they find their way out?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello my lovely readers! Update for you all, because sleep is overrated! My DCBB is going to be one of those things I only finish just before the time is up. I couldn't resist giving you another chapter so soon because you are so fucking fantastic (and it has nothing to do with the ideas that just pops into my head for it all day long either, nope). 
> 
> So, I have something special for you this time. I have decided to include pictures of the places I describe, because.. Well, I have them and used them in my descriptions, so why not? 
> 
> Warnings for today: 1. I have NEVER been in Mexico. I haven't been outside Denmark really, if you don't count the small drives to Germany, Sweden and Norway (Which I don't count) and that week I spend on Gran Canaria. So! The descriptions of Mexico is purely from what I could google my way to and from google maps (where I might have spend an hour or two planning drives I will never take myself for the boys) 2. I do NOT speak spanish or latin. I speak a tiny bit Italian, but spanish is very different, as I found out. The translations you find here is from Google Translate (I know it's shit but that's all I got and I made sure to translate it back and forth until I was 80 % sure it was right). If any of you speak/read spanish or latin and can see there is something truly deeply wrong here, let me know. I would rather get a punch in the face and edit the text than live on with people laughing behind my back. That includes the English too, because as you know I don't speak english as a first language. Everything you see here is "self"-learned and I will fuck up. I don't have a beta so every mistake is mine. Sorry. Point them out and they will be gone as soon as possible. 
> 
> Lastly I will just say that in the endnotes there will be chapter spoilers.  
> Super, super lastly, I just want to say that this is set in 2014, which means Dean is born in 1987. I decided to do this because I wanted to use todays technology in my fic and it just seemed easier this way. 
> 
> Okay, I'll shut up now! I hope you like it and enjoy reading!  
> \- Camie

14 hours of driving can make any man feeling a little trapped. Even with the short meal breaks and the occasional coffee fetching break and the gas break, driving non-stop for 14 hours is close to causing Dean to go out of his mind.

Maybe it’s the intense silence there has been between him and Cas since their rushed departure from The Roadhouse bar and motel. Dean thinks 14 hours back, to where Ellen had barged into their room out of breath while Dean was in the middle of cutting the blond wig’s hair so it would fit Cas better. They had been bickering to each other good-heartedly, Dean telling Cas to stop squirming around so he wouldn’t poke out his eye and Cas saying that Dean could just cut the wig’s hair when it wasn’t on his head if it irritated him so much. It had actually been quite nice to just playfully fight over something normal, getting to poke at each other a little, test the boundaries of their ‘friendship’.

Then Ellen had practically fallen through the door, telling them there had just been a group of ‘suits’, as she called them, looking for him and Cas and that they needed to get going right this second. It had been far too early for them to show up if it had been the hardware store guy who had called them. Well it hadn’t mattered right then anyway. They had packed up and moved out fast. Dean had been a bit surprised and a lot pissed off when he found out Ellen had picked the lock on their car’s trunk and moved all their stuff into one of her cars. She said that the people looking for them knew which car they drove so they had to switch.

It had been another piece of shit car, an old dark-blue Opel from the 90’ies with a crack in the windshield. Dean had bitched about it and muttered to himself that he missed his baby, because _that_ was a goddamn _car,_ unlike all these wrecked abominations that shouldn’t even be allowed to drive the roads of America anymore.

Cas had told him to shut up and get in the car like before, saying that there were more important things to be upset over than the vehicles they had been provided with. That it was _just_ a car and Dean could survive driving it. Dean had sulked and promised himself that if they ever got out of this mess they were in he was going to teach Cas why a car wasn’t _just_ a car.

But the real bombshell that had forced them both into silence for the last 14 hours had been Ellen’s last words.

She had been leaning on the door on Cas’ side, looking through the window that Cas had rolled down. Dean hadn’t been able to hold himself in line anymore, he just had to ask. Why were she helping them? She was a complete stranger, they were strangers, they were _hunted_ for god’s sake.

Ellen had shrugged and said: “I’m not crazy about Heaven Inc.” She had rolled the sleeve of her plaid shirt up and shown them a ghostly white Mark just under her elbow. It had made Dean’s throat close up when he thought of his mom and how her death had turned his dad’s Mark into the exact same color.

“They killed my husband” Ellen said, “Some sort of experiment that would give us a lot of money once it was over. We needed it badly. But they had lied to us about it, promised it was safe and we wouldn’t come to harm. It wasn’t safe. They had tried to remove his Mark, change his insides so it would disappear. He died painfully and I felt every single second of it. It felt like they had tried to rip our souls out of our bodies. I was pregnant with Jo at the time. I was so scared and angry and spend days crying and praying. I feared that the pain I felt inside would make me lose Jo. Just as I was about to give up hope some of the other people trapped with me managed to break out with some help from the outside. They got me out too and I gave birth a week later too early. Luckily Jo survived, but it was a close call. Those leeches almost cost me my daughter too and she never had the chance to know her dad because of them. So yeah, when I have the chance to fuck with them, I take it.”

Ellen had ripped her sleeve down again and angrily dried her eyes that had become moist.

“Why didn’t you tell anyone about it?” Cas had asked softly, “You could have stopped them.” Ellen had shrugged.

“I had no proof” she answered, “They kept my husband’s body to hide their mistakes and I hadn’t been through the experiments yet because I was pregnant. Besides… I was scared shitless of them for years. And when I finally got angry enough to fight back it was too late. They were too powerful and I was just one woman. Nobody would believe me and anyone that would were either dead or disappeared or to untrustworthy to ever convince a jury.” Ellen had collected herself and given them a small smile. Leaning down some more she had stuck her hand through the window and corrected Cas’ wig a bit so it was placed a little better.

“Anyway, you guys watch out for each other” she had told them, “Don’t let them catch you. Don’t trust anyone.” Dean had snorted.

“You told us to trust you” he said. Ellen had smiled smugly.

“You’re getting it now” she said and winked, retracting her hands, “Tell Bobby that we’re even now.” She had been gone before either of them had time to react.

Dean had wanted to run after her to ask just what the hell that was supposed to mean. He was pretty sure him and Cas hadn’t said that name when she had been around, but Cas had made him stop and told him to start driving instead. That they seriously needed to get the hell out of there.

Reluctantly Dean had agreed and pushed the car into gear.

14 hours later and here they are. Somewhere in the middle of nowhere on their way to the border of Mexico, still in thick silence. Even the radio can’t break the tension and Dean is about to go out of his mind with restlessness.

Dean sneaks a peak at Cas who is resting his head against the window with closed eyes. He looks restless too despite his relaxed position, like there is something bugging him in his mind.

“Hey” Dean calls softly and nudges Cas’ elbow gently with his own while watching the road. Cas’ eyes slides open slowly and he turns his gaze to Dean. “I’m kind-of tired” Dean says, “I was thinking of stopping for the night.” Cas sits up and rubs his eyes.

“What time is it?” he asks with a voice even darker and hoarser than normal.

“Around 1 AM” Dean answers.

“Alright” Cas says, “But were should we sleep? I don’t think there is any motels out here.” His eyes follows shadows in the dark, things that are hidden under the coat of the night.

“Ellen said there were sleeping bags in the trunk” Dean says, “I figured we could take them and curl up somewhere. It’s warm down here anyway so we shouldn’t be cold.” Cas nods and points to something outside.

“It looks like there is some vegetation over there. It should give a sufficient cover while we rest.” Dean agrees and drives for it.

It turns out the “vegetation” Cas had pointed to was a rest area surrounded by a small forest, only a few feet thick. Well it didn’t matter because it would do the trick. Dean parks behind the trees so they can’t be seen from the road and jumps out the second the engine’s roar dies out. He groans happily because he can finally stretch his legs.

Cas fetches the sleeping bags from the trunk, handing one of them to Dean and decides to claim the backseat for himself, creating a little sleeping cave for himself. Dean doesn’t mind. He just leans the driver’s seat back so it hovers a feet over Cas’ legs and makes himself comfortable there. Their bags is placed on the passenger seat so Cas can fit into the small space in the back and soon after Dean can hear his breathing even out when sleep takes him.

Sleep doesn’t come to Dean as easily. He turns and tosses to find a position that is comfortable, but nothing helps. His mind is spinning to fast, thoughts swirling around in his head, arising and crumbling in a symphony that effectively keeps him awake.

He thinks of Sam, of his sweet little brother that is probably lying awake in his bed too, worried out of his mind for his missing brother. He must have seen the news, watched the pictures of Dean and Cas running away from the storm of reporters that had showed up outside his apartment. Dean wishes he could call him to say that he is okay. But he can’t. He won’t if there is a risk of the people looking for him and Cas finding them because of it. He just hopes Sam won’t do something stupid until Dean can call him.

Dean gives up and decides to draw a little to make his mind calm down. He digs his sketchbook out from his bag and rearranges himself so he is leaning against the steering wheel with the sleeping bag as a pillow behind his back. He flips the book open and takes the charcoal pen from his pencil case.

The first lines he draws are unconscious movements. He just let his fingers move the pen over the white paper, lets impulses paint the picture that he doesn't even know yet. Soon the movements become more controlled, his lines more precise as a cheekbone takes form on the paper. Then it’s the strands of dark hairs framing a half-finished face, closed eyes draped in soft shades, graceful lashes resting on a cheek. A strong jaw, full chapped lips slightly parted in sleepy breaths and a slender neck resting against an arm. A hand with a bright silver Mark next to the head.

Dean stops drawing when he realizes who is on the paper in front of him. His eyes lifts to watch Cas sleeping in front of him, a true copy of the drawing he has just made. The shadows surrounding him, the peaceful curves of his sleeping body, the blank open expression of his face is identical to the lines and smears of coal shadows on Dean’s page.

He slowly closes the book and puts it back in his bag, astonished with himself. It’s not the first time he has drawn people, not even the first time he has drawn something he could see in front of him, but it’s the first time he has been able to catch everything so perfectly. It’s the first time he has felt compelled to keep drawing, keep portraying the human in front of him, first time he has felt the need to keep caressing the form of another body with his pen like he would do a lover with his hands in real life.

Dean silently shakes himself and tells himself that he seriously needs to get laid. It’s been too long and it’s starting to mess with his head.

He turns around again and lies down on his seat, determined to go to sleep and forget what just happened. Cas doesn’t need to know and Dean can forget it, ignore the drawing in his book. Hell, he can even rip it out and burn it if he wants to. It’s no big deal.

He repeats that to himself until sleep finally captures him.

* * *

They wake up around 10 AM the next day.

Breakfast is sandwiches which Ellen had sneaked into the trunk in a cooler and cold coffee to kick-start themselves. They rearrange their bags and put the seats back in position before they drive on.

Dean tries to ignore what happened the night before, but he finds his thoughts drawn to the picture hidden in his book more often than not. He can’t figure out why that was the picture he decided to draw.

When the first 2 hours has gone by with him thinking about that, he tells himself it has to be the Bond that made him do it and forces himself to move on to something else. He needs a distraction so he turns the music down and looks quickly at Cas who has spent the time writing in one of his small notebooks.

“What are you doing?” Dean asks him curiously. Cas looks up confused and looks out, seemingly surprised of where he is.

“It’s just small text pieces” Cas answers, “To entertain myself. I enjoy being able to use my talent fully now and with all this time to pass I thought I could experiment with it a little.”

“Cool” Dean responds, “Is it anything specific or just doodles?”

“I am not sure what ‘doodles’ means, but it is just small descriptions of the views we pass” Cas says.

“So doodles” Dean says with a smile, “I do them too you know. With my drawings. Small figures or scenes.”

“Really?” Cas asks excited, “Can I see them? Perhaps I can practice writing scenes from another person’s ideas.” Dean shrugs.

“Sure, just grab my book… ah no wait!” Dean exclaims when Cas turns around to grab his sketchbook. Cas stops and gives Dean a confused look and a head-tilt. “I just remembered that that one hasn’t got any” Dean lies frantically, “It’s the other ones in the trunk.”

“That is okay, I can just practice on one of your other drawings” Cas says and stretches to grab Dean’s bag. Dean feels himself panic.

“You can’t look in that Cas” Dean says. He stops the car and hurries to snatch his book from Cas’ hands.

“Why?” Cas asks suspiciously.

“Ah… because it’s personal” Dean lies slowly, “I don’t want anyone to see this one.”

“I have already seen this book Dean” Cas says. Dean shakes his head.

“It wasn’t this one” he lies, “I switched them before we left my apartment.” Cas gets a small wrinkle between his eyebrows when he frowns.

“Alright” he says slowly, “Do you mind finding another book I can borrow then? Since we have apparently already stopped driving.”

“No sure, I’ll get it” Dean says before he practically falls out of the car and sprints to the trunk. Fuck that had been too fucking close. How the hell could he have forgotten about that stupid drawing so quickly after not being able to _stop_ thinking about it? There is something seriously wrong in his head.

Dean shakes his head at himself as he sorts through the small second bag in the trunk containing all his “personal belongings that he didn’t want others to get their hands on”. It’s only a small photo album, his old sketchbooks and that antique edition of Busty Asian Beauties that he’s sure will get him a good sum of money when (if) he decides to sell it on E-bay. And the keys to his baby, because he isn’t letting anybody else take her.

Dean quickly grabs the first book he can reach and argues with himself if he should just rip the drawing out and throw it away. Something makes him stop and instead of destroying the evidence of his fuck-up he hides it away in the bottom of the bag. Then he closes the trunk with a smack and gets in behind the wheel again.

“There you go” he says when he hands over the book and starts the car again.

“You are acting very strange” Cas comments, but when Dean looks over to defend himself Cas is already writing away again with his eyes studying Dean’s drawings with interest.

Dean lets it go and keeps driving.

* * *

Getting over the border is easier than Dean expected, especially since they have changed their appearance so much. The border control officer doesn’t even look twice on their passports, he just asks them what their ‘purpose’ with the visit is. Dean lies and says they are going on vacation to celebrate their 10th Bonding anniversary. The officer gives them a stamp in their passports and sends them on their way with a reminder to not cause too much trouble.

Dean drives away as fast as he can without breaking the speed limit.

4 hours later they have covered a lot of ground and Dean feels calmer than he has in days. He has his window rolled down as they cruise through the country, he hums along with the now Spanish songs playing in the radio that he can’t translate and he feels himself smile more than he has in a long time.

“Man, I could kill for a taco right now” Dean says out loud, the first thing spoken between him and Cas since the sketchbook fiasco.

“If you could avoid committing murder in my presence I would be very grateful” Cas says dryly, “I do not approve of it.”

“You know what I mean” Dean says.

“Yes, I’m afraid I do” Cas sighs and looks up. He gives Dean a little smug smile that makes Dean’s chest feel too tight. Cas looks at the map he has slightly unfolded on the dashboard and hums. “We are not far from Chihuahua. I estimate a few hours before we arrive. If you are too hungry we can stop before that, but I think I can survive until we can get something warm. I crave something fulfilling instead of a sandwich and can food.”

“Wait, what? The city is called _Chihuahua_?” Dean says amused. Cas turns his eyes towards him.

“Yes, I thought you knew. You saw the map Bobby has drawn for us” Cas says.

“Yeah I saw it, but I didn’t think about it until you said it out loud” Dean argues and snorts, “Who the hell names a city after a goddamn rat of a dog?”

“Chihuahua is the capital of the state Chihuahua…” Cas informs him, but Dean interrupts with another snort.

“They called it _Chihuahua, Chihuahua_?” he laughs.

“Yes” Cas responds, “And to your information, it has nothing to do with the dog you are referring to. Chihuahua derives from the Nahuatl language, meaning ‘between two waters’, ‘place of the holed-rock’ or from Tarahumara, ‘dry and sandy place’. It is a very fine city.”

“Okay professor” Dean says teasingly, “But it’s still the name of a dog.” Cas sighs annoyed and turns back to his notebook to continue writing.

“Keep driving Dean” he says and that’s the end of the conversation for now.

* * *

It turns out the address Bobby left them was to a goddamn church.

“Why the hell has he send us to a church?” Dean asks as they drive by it for the third time looking for a parking spot.

“It is a cathedral, not a church” Cas says, “And there is a spot open right there.” He points and Dean moves the car into the tiny space that’s only _just_ big enough to park the car in. It’s not too hard for Dean to navigate it into the spot, he is used to the Impala’s big frame so it takes minutes before they can step out and breathe in the warm Mexican air.

“It’s still a building people go to, to pray to some imaginary God” Dean says to Cas over the roof of the car. Cas gives him a strict look but doesn’t say anything. Dean lets it slide and focuses on the _cathedral_ instead.

When they come closer the building looks much more impressive than it did when they drove by. It is a huge sand colored building decorated with columns and figures that look like something from Greece mythology and not Christianity. The entrance is raised from a normal-looking wall, making it stand out. Two towers raise above the main entrance with multiple columns on the corners, dark bells in the windows and a big figure of a human on the roof. The walls are decorated with patterns Dean can’t identify and at the top of the wall above the main entrance is an old-fashioned clock, showing the time is around 4 PM.

Dean looks around. The road they parked on run on the right side of the building, but right in front of it there is a fountain with light-blue water running peacefully. Behind the fountain is something that looks a lot like a marketplace. There is a black metal fence around the cathedral, but the gates is open and so is the big brown decorated doors, inviting people to come in.

Speaking of people, there is a lot of them around. There is a few stalls on the marketplace filled with fruits and vegetables and people speaking vividly with each other in a language Dean can’t understand.

“Why the hell would Bobby send us to this place?” Dean asks again lowly. Cas is walking just beside him, looking excited at anything he can get his eyes on. His face is lit up and he is smiling softly. He looks a little like a kid in Disneyland.

“I don’t know. He is your friend” Cas says and turns to look at Dean with his shining eyes, “But can we go in? I would very much like to see the chapel.”

“Seriously?” Dean asks, “A church? You dig that?” Cas gives him a look and shrugs.

“I like experiencing new cultures” he says before he repeats in an annoyed tone, “And it is not a church. It is a cathedral. It is different things.”

“It’s still a church” Dean mutters, “Fine, whatever. Let’s check it out. Can’t hurt.” Cas lights up in a smile and grabs his hand so he can pull Dean with him to the front doors. Dean just lets him with a small laugh because he is fucking adorable right now.

Even Dean has to admit the inside is impressive, perhaps more impressive than the outside. The chapel is long, at least 50 meters. On each side is a row of brown benches with symbols carved into the wood underneath arches decorated with long stripes and gold paint. The hall between the benches ends at an altar that is decorated like the outside of the cathedral with columns, patterns and figures and even more gold. Big golden candlesticks with white candles is burning peaceful on a shelve over the alter.

“Wow” Dean whispers as he spins around slowly to take in the room. Even the ceiling is decorated.

“It is very impressive yes” Cas says softly. He sounds like he is just as awed as Dean. When Dean lets him go on in front of him he takes a minute to just watch Cas looking at everything with wide interested eyes and soft sighs.

“Hola” a man says suddenly, making Dean and Cas turn around at the same time. They find a priest standing on the left side of the chapel, a man in his 50’ies or 60’ies wearing a black outfit with a white collar around his neck. He has wrinkles around his eyes and mouth, has a beard which is turned grey like his half-long hair framing his head. “Buscas algo?” he continues with a head tilt. Dean doesn’t understand a thing. It sounds like the man is speaking Spanish, which Dean can’t understand. Cas seems to understand though. He smiles bigger and walks straight over to the priest.

“Buenas noches, Padre” Cas says fluent in Spanish and shakes the man’s hand, “Mi nombre es Emmanuel. Hemos sido enviados aquí por un amigo.”

“Eh Cas?” Dean asks flabbergasted, “What... how?” Cas looks at him over his shoulder and turns his eyes at Dean slightly. He turns back to the priest.

“Perdone, Padre. Tengo que traducirpara mi amigo” he says and gestures to Dean. The priest smiles.

“No need my son” he says in fluent English, “I can speak English just fine.” The priest walks over to Dean and offers his hand.

“I’m Pastor Jim” he says. Dean shakes his hand cautiously but firmly and his eyes flickers to Cas, asking him what the hell they had said to each other. Cas walks over to his side immediately and gives him a relaxed smile. Somehow that smile succeeds in calming Dean down a little and he manages to look back at the Father and give him a forced smile.

“Dean Smith” Dean responds and lets go of the priest’s hand. He looks over at Cas again. “Didn’t know you could speak Spanish” he says to Cas.

“I took a few classes in college” Cas answers and shrugs, “Besides, my parents taught me and my sister Latin and Spanish when we were children so we could read the Bible no matter where we were.”

“You speak Latin?” Dean asks.

“Loqui non potes,quiamortuus est sermo Latinus” Cas says. Dean lifts an eyebrow in question. Cas shrugs again.

“You cannot speak Latin because it is a dead language” Pastor Jim translates for him, “Goodpronunciation, but a bit formal.” Cas lowers his head a bit and smiles proudly. He mumbles thank you.

“So, what can I help you two with? You said you were sent by a friend?” Pastor Jim asks Cas.

“What?!” Dean says surprised. _Fucking hell Cas._ He can’t just go saying stuff like that to strangers!

“Yes” Cas answers and ignores Dean, “Robert Singer asked us to drive to this address. We are not sure why, but here we are.”

“Bobby?” the Father exclaims and steps back before Dean has time to slap Cas for even saying that name. He looks between Dean and Cas like he is trying to figure something out.

“Tell me the word” he demands.

“The word?” Dean repeats unsure. Pastor Jim pulls back another step.

“Yes the word!” he says.

“Poughkeepsie?” Cas says and looks at Dean quickly. Pastor Jim visibly relaxes and takes a deep breath.

“You two boys better come with me” he says and turns around, “Quickly.” Dean and Cas shares another confused look before they both shrug and follows the Father.

* * *

Pastor Jim, as the Father’s name is, leads Castiel and Dean through a brown door on the left side of the chapel. A narrow hall follows and then they are stepping through another door, into an office covered in shelves full of books. Pastor Jim closes the door after them and locks it before he walks behind the desk in the middle of the room. He finds a key under his black shirt and uses it to open the bottom drawer. He finds a wooden box inside which he places on the desk.

He straightens up again and looks over Castiel and Dean again. Castiel finds the staring uncomfortable, but doesn’t mention it. He guesses that this man knows why Bobby send them here and that it would be unwise to upset him over something so small.

“I can’t believe you are finally here” Pastor Jim says softly. He seems to remember himself and gestures to the two chairs in front of the desk. “Please sit. We don’t have much time.” Castiel sits down and Dean follows him seconds later. Pastor Jim sits down in the chair behind him and folds his hands over the table.

“Soooo….” Dean says slowly, “Why are we here?”

“It was planned like this from the beginning” Pastor Jim answers.

“What was planned?” Dean asks.

“Right, I should probably start from the beginning” he says and opens the wooden box on the table. He takes a picture out of it and hands it over to Dean. Castiel leans over so he can look at it at the same time as Dean.

What he sees makes him freeze in place. His breath catches in his throat.

“Mother…” he whispers softly and reaches over without thinking to run a finger over her figure on the picture.

Dean looks up surprised. “That’s your mom?” He asks. Castiel nods and points to the man standing next to her.

“And this is my father” he says.

“That can’t be true” Dean says, “Because this is my parents.” He points to a young woman with blond curly hair and a man with dark short hair that is standing next to Castiel’s parents.

“But how is that possible?” he asks. He moves his gaze and looks at the two men and the woman in the right side of the picture. He recognizes Ellen Harvelle easily despite the fact that she is years younger on this picture. Pastor Jim hasn’t changed much. On the picture his hair is darker and his wrinkles fewer. The same is to say about Bobby Singer, who is standing in between the two with an arm around each of their shoulders.

“Where was this taken?” Castiel asks Pastor Jim as he looks up at the man. He is observing them with a sad smile.

“I think the correct question would be _when_ it was taken” he says, “And the answer is 1987.”

“But that’s the year…” Dean starts. Pastor Jim interrupts him.

“The year you were born, yes” he finishes for him. Pastor Jim sighs softly when Dean looks down at the picture again. “It was in 1987 that the war that had been brewing for years erupted” Pastor Jim starts, “The 24th of January is a date burned into all of our memories. Yes, I know that is your birthday” he says with a smile while looking at Dean, “But it wasn’t only your arrival that was remarkable on this date. No, it was the visit your parents got mere hours after your birth.”

“Visit?” Dean interrupts. Jim nods. His eyes flickers over to Castiel, who feels nervous. Somehow this picture and the story Pastor Jim is about to tell them makes him feel like his entire life is about to turn upside down.

“A visit from strangers” he says, “They found your parents at the hospital and told them they needed to disappear, get somewhere safe. That people would come asking for them and you. People that would stand for nothing in order to get what they wanted. The strangers vanished after delivering their message and your parents left the hospital within the hour. They called Bobby and told him what had happened. He told them to meet him at your father’s hunting cabin and then he called me. He knew I had encountered these people before, that I knew things that he didn’t. When we got there, the strangers had already found your parents again. The second I saw them I knew who were coming for them and what we had to do.”

“How could you know that?” Castiel asks hoarsely and even when he is sure he knows the answer, he adds, “Who were the strangers?” Pastor Jim turns his attention to Castiel.

“Your parents, Castiel” he answers, “Beatrice and Charles Milton.”

It feels like the air is punched out of his lungs despite he had a feeling that that was the answer the Father would give him. He leans back in the small chair and his fingers wrap around the armrests so he has something to ground himself with. He can feel things stir up in his chest. He knows that this is just the beginning of revelations they are going to receive from Pastor Jim, but how he knows that is a mystery. He just knows it. He can feel it.

“What did they want?” Dean asks.

“They wanted to protect you” Pastor Jim answers and nods to Dean, “And their own children. I knew who they were, I had… history, with them.”

“History?” Castiel asks silently.

“I had fought alongside them once before” Pastor Jim answers, “Against the very same enemies that were apparently coming for you next.”

“Okay you are being extremely vague and mysterious” Dean says, “Just spit it out already.” Pastor Jim laughs softly.

“You remind me much of Mary” he says, “She too wasn’t too fond of dramatics. Very well.” He stands and walks around the table so he can sit on the edge of it. He folds his hands in front of him and breathes deeply.

“I am an anomaly” he says, “So were your parents Castiel. We have no Marks. We are born without them and has never received one.”

“Bullshit” Dean declares instantly, “There’s no such thing. Everybody has a Mark.” Castiel agrees. It has never been heard of before.

“Not me” Pastor Jim says, “And neither did Beatrice and Charles. That was what made us so attractive for the Lordels.”

“Lordels…” Castiel says when a bell roars in his head, “The family that owns Heaven Inc.?” Pastor Jim nods.

“Yes, well that company was created a few years after Dean was born, but it is the very same Lordels that was so interested in us back then.”

“What did they want with you?” Dean asks.

“Examine us of course. We were different. We weren’t slaves to the Soul-Marks as everybody else. They wanted to see if they could find a way to free others from their slavery too. They got us against our wills and kept us prisoners for a long time.”

“What did they do?” Castiel asks. He has to know. Maybe there is answers to find here, answers to why his parents are the way they are. Why they were so cold and strict in his youth, why they denied him normal human contact and homeschooled him and Anna, why they decided to leave them right before Castiel was forced into the mental facility.

“Let’s just say that it was a very unpleasant experience” Pastor Jim answers before he begins to walk around, “The mildest description I have of it is torture. Gruesome experiments. We escaped by chance with a little help from my old friend Bobby and decided to disappear so they couldn’t catch us again. I faked my own death and moved here with some help from Bobby and one of his associates I only know as ‘Frank’. I didn’t hear from Beatrice and Charles again until that day were your parents called us for help.”

“And then what?” Dean asks.

“I learned that Beatrice and Charles had changed their names after faking their deaths as well, in order to disappear. They had even left their eldest son at his grandparents to keep him safe and never contacted him again. Beatrice had become pregnant twice since by accident, but because of her missing Mark she couldn’t go to the hospital to terminate the pregnancies. She would have been discovered if she did. The Lordels’ spider web is big and great. I think she was secretly pleased with that fact, if I have to say so myself. She had always wanted a big family and I knew how much they loved their eldest son.”

Castiel feels like every word leaving the Father’s mouth is a kick to his stomach. He feels very unwell all of a sudden.

“Wow wait a second” Dean interrupts when he sees the complete shock on Castiel’s face, “Are you telling us that Cas has a brother out there who he doesn’t know anything about?”

“No Dean” Castiel says and he hates how he is sounding like he is on the brink of breaking, “I believe he is telling us that nothing about my life has been true. That I can’t trust anyone or anything. Not even my own n-name.” His voice breaks on the last word and he looks down while pressing his eyes shut. Tears swell up under his eyelids and he struggles to hold them in. This can’t possibly be true. It can’t. His parents might be strange and a bit harsh, but they can’t have lied so much to him and Anna. They couldn’t have left a child, their own blood, somewhere just so they wouldn’t get caught. They are not cruel and despite their lack of showed affection towards him and Anna, Castiel knows that they love them. His mother had her moments were her walls would fall and she would be loving and caring towards them. Even his father would sometimes pull Castiel into his arms and hug him tightly while whispering words of love in his ear. This can’t be true.

Castiel is frozen and even Dean’s hesitating touch to the hand closest to him don’t break the tension in Castiel’s body. Dean forces Castiel’s fingers to release their grip on the armrest before he waves their fingers together and embraces them with comforting strokes.

“Hey” he calls gently and squeezes Castiel’s hand to get him to look up. When he does Dean holds his eyes and looks at him deadly serious. “One thing that was true, is true and always will be true is me” he says, “You’ll always have me, okay? You can always trust me. No matter what.”

Castiel swallows and blinks a tear away from his eyes. Dean is right. He can always trust his Soulmate. It would be impossible for Dean to harm him without harming himself too. So he nods stiffly and squeezes Dean’s hand back. His touch is like a blanket of warmth sliding over the coldness in his heart. It helps.

Dean looks back at Pastor Jim.

“Go on” he says. Pastor Jim seems to be unsure, looking between them and their jointed hands. Castiel nods to him to let him know he can proceed with explaining. He is alright for now.

“Your parents did this to protect you Castiel” Pastor Jim says, “They lied and hid you and your sister from the world to prevent the Lordels from catching you and doing the same as they did to us. They left your brother so he wouldn’t suffer the same fate.”

“But why?” Castiel asks silently, “Why lie to us? Why not tell the truth?”

“They were afraid” Pastor Jim says. He walks over and lowers himself in front of Castiel so he can look into his eyes. Castiel lifts his gaze reluctantly to look into the blue eyes of the Father. “When you were born without a Mark they feared that you would suffer the same fate as them. Your sister had been born with one, but had to stay in hiding because your parents were. They homeschooled you so your names and pictures wouldn’t be in any files. As far as the world knew, you four didn’t exist. The first 8 years of your life you lived as ghosts. You must remember the places you lived. Cabins in forests, small apartments, motels.”

That was true… They had moved around a lot, but it had never been a real problem because him and Anna didn’t go to a public school. His mother taught them the things they needed to know and they didn’t have any friends because they hardly saw other children. Castiel remembers long hours where he would draw and write sitting against a tree in a forest with the cabin they lived in in front of him. That had always been his favorite occupation, even from before he would write and read. He would use anything he could to create his stories, even if it meant playing with his sister's dolls with her.

Cas nods slightly as answer. Pastor Jim stands up again. “That was until the 24th of January 1987 were your Mark appeared suddenly in the early morning.” Castiel remembers that day too very vividly. He remembers waking up because his hand felt like it had been held under boiling water for too long. He remembers crying out when his skin started glowing, stripes being cut into it with invisible knifes. He remembers the look on his parents faces when they had come running into his and Anna’s room. It hadn’t been happiness or relief. They had been terrified. Castiel also remembers feeling confused about that, because he was so happy. He wasn’t going to be teased by other children anymore when they at rare times met them at playgrounds. And then he remembers them leaving for an entire week afterwards, leaving him in Anna's care.

“They knew instantly what that meant” Pastor Jim continues, “That you were special, more special than them or me combined. Only Lunang Soulmates would be born with so many years in between. Your parents immediately looked up any child born at that exact time and only one was.” Pastor Jim looked at Dean again.

“And that’s how they ended up at the hospital where I was born hours before” Dean says, “However the hell they managed to find me.”

“They had many skills” Pastor Jim says, “Charles was ex-military too, an expert in survival and camouflage. Beatrice was a genius, she could find anything on anyone if she only had access to some files. That is how she found you. She called the right people.” Castiel can hardly imagine his father and mother like that. He knows that his mother is smart but he never knew his father is a soldier. He never knew that.

“And with help from me and a woman who escaped with me and them from the Lordels, Beatrice and Charles explained all this to your parents. They had a picture of Castiel’s new Mark. They used that to match it with the one on your shoulder. It was small, but they were confident that you two were a match. You were Soulmates.”

“So… they knew” Castiel says silently, “They knew who my Soulmate was but they never took me to see him.”

“No, they didn’t. Your parents and Dean’s agreed that it was wiser to keep you apart until you were old enough to understand what consequences your Bonding would have. Who would come after you. They wanted to wait until you were strong enough to fight back, which you weren’t at such a young age. As far as I remember, your parents wouldn't even tell Dean's parents if you were a boy or a girl just to prevent them from breaking their agreement.”

“Fuck” Dean mumbles to himself, “This is so extremely fucked up that nothing makes sense anymore.”

“I understand that this is very confusing” Pastor Jim says. Dean snorts and rubs his eyes with his free hand.

“Yeah well guess we just have to suck it up” he says, “Can you just finish this and tell us what the hell we are going to do?” He looks up again. “Because I’m not staying in hiding like a coward. Fuck no. I got a life and I’m happy with it. I’m not leaving my brother behind or my dad.”

“Well, I have a safe house ready for you. It has been ready for years, so it might be a bit dusty” Pastor Jim says.

“Awesome” Dean says, “Now why did Bobby send us to you?”

“It was planned like this” Pastor Jim answers, “Your parents would let you grow up apart and let you find each other the old fashioned way when you were old enough. When you would find each other they would tell you the truth to prepare you.”

“But that didn’t happen” Dean says.

“No, because your mother was killed and so was Castiel’s parents so new plans was made” Pastor Jim says. Castiel looks up startled.

“No they wasn’t!” he exclaims, “My parents are alive. They are living in Canada.”

“Are they?” Pastor Jim asks, “When was the last time you heard from them? When was the last time you talked to them?” Castiel looks down again with horror and the first tugs of grief seeping into his blood. Well it had been… six years? Yes, six years since he and Anna had received the letter from them explaining were they had gone.

“It has been years, right?” Pastor Jim continues, “The Lordels got to them when you were in your late 20’ies. You and your sister was told that they left you to live out the rest of their lives in Canada. The letter send to you was from me. It was better that you didn’t know so you wouldn’t go looking for them. It was the only way to keep you safe and keep the Lordels in the dark about you two.” No. No, no. This just could not be true!

“But why?” Castiel asks, “Why is these people set on making our lives miserable? Why are they after us?”

“It is simple” Pastor Jim answers, “They are doing it for power.”

“I thought it was for the money” Dean says.

“Money is power in our world Dean” Pastor Jim responds, “Money and knowledge is the ultimate power. It buys people, it buys companies. The Lordels secretly owns 50 % of the companies of America and 5 % of all companies in the world. Why do you think I chose Mexico to hide in? It’s because they own nothing down here. They have no authority, no power here. They can’t get it. The laws in this country prevents them from gaining the amount of power it would take to control anything. Mexico represents freedom in more ways than you know. It is the only place you can truly be free.”

“But it can’t be the same ones that was after you” Dean says, “It’s over 27 years ago!”

“Greed is passed down through generations I’m afraid” Pastor Jim says sadly, “The people who were after me and Castiel’s parents left more than just their power and money to their children. They left their greed too.”

“So we are basically fucked no matter what” Dean says, “It doesn’t end with these people. It’s gonna continue with their kids, and their kids’ kids.”

“Not necessarily” Pastor Jim says, “We have a plan. We made new ones after the deaths of Mary, Beatrice and Charles. Plans that once and for all can stop the Lordels greed.”

“Well enlighten us” Dean prompts him. Pastor Jim looks at his watch and shakes his head.

“You have already been here too long” he says, “It has to be next time we meet.” He walks over to a closet and opens it. He finds a small envelope which he hands over to Dean.

“The address for the safe house and instructions on how to enter it. You father gave you some numbers, right?” Pastor Jim asks Dean. Dean nods slowly.

“Good” Pastor Jim says, “Go to the safe house, let yourself in and stay there until you hear from me again. I will start any conversation with Poughkeepsie as should you, to tell each other that it is safe to talk and we are alone.”

“Okay, but I need to call Sam” Dean says quickly and stands so he can walk over to Pastor Jim, “And Cas wants to talk to Anna.” The Father shakes his head.

“Bobby has already collected them if everything has gone as planned. They are safe and included in what is happening. I wish I had time to explain this better, but you have to trust me on this. Answers will come in time.”

“I sick and tired of people telling me to trust them!” Dean shouts angrily, “I want answers! Now!”

“They are in the house!” Pastor Jim insists, “Go to the house Dean. I left everything for you there.” Dean stares defiantly at Pastor Jim who isn’t bending.

“Dean, let’s just go” Castiel begs to end this horrible discussion, “I don’t think I can manage much more now anyway.” Dean exhales loudly and turns towards Castiel. Castiel is still sitting in the chair and he feels like he is minutes from collapsing under the pressure. He looks pleading at Dean, begging him with his eyes to just follow Pastor Jim’s directions.

“Fine” Dean says and snatches the envelope from Pastor Jim. He points a finger at him. “But don’t think I’m just gonna let this slide. If you don’t show up I’m gonna hunt you down no matter what.”

“I wouldn’t expect the son of John Winchester to do anything less” Pastor Jim says, “Now go.” He forces both of them out of his office and out of the cathedral.

Castiel has trouble feeling the same excitement over the beautiful decorations as he did when he came in. Truth be told, he has trouble feeling anything right now. There is just a big hole in his chest, cutting off anything he normally would feel. There is too much noise in his head and he just want it to stop. He just want everything to stop.

“Hey Cas” Dean says beside him. Castiel can’t answer him so he just keeps walking, focusing on that task. It makes Dean wrap an arm around his shoulders and pull him close to his body while they walk.

“It’s gonna be okay” he says softly, “I promise to find out if this shit he said was true. Don’t give up yet okay? We don’t know this guy and we don’t know if he’s full of shit. Promise me you’ll keep fighting with me Cas. I need you.” Castiel looks up, feeling strengthened a little by Dean’s touch. He nods slightly, despite the fact that he just knows that everything the Father told them was true.

“Okay” he almost whispers, his voice too broken to be any louder. Dean squeezes his shoulders and gives him a smile.

“It’s gonna be okay” Dean repeats, “I’m gonna get us out of this mess. Just you wait and see.”

* * *

Dean is really fucking scared.

Not for himself. Hell no. He can deal with the shit this Jim told them, hell he has dealt with worse. No it’s Cas he’s scared for. The talk with Pastor Jim effectively killed any life and light in his eyes. It removed all color from his skin and made him turn into a living dead (yeah okay he has seen too many zombie movies, that’s the only description he has, sue him).

Gone is the excited and alive Cas that rolls his eyes when Dean is stupid and blushes when Dean teases him. Gone is the curiosity and determination. It’s like Pastor Jim sucked out Cas’ soul with his words and left him empty. Dean tries to comfort him by telling him that Dean will fix everything for him. Hell, Dean even _hugs_ him, and Dean don’t do hugs. He rarely even hugs Sam.

The ride to the new address for the “safe house” takes a few hours. It leads them far out in something that looks like a desert forest (fucked up description, he knows that but that’s what it fucking looks like!), tall barren trees on all sides and bushes and plants that looks too thirsty to even be alive.

Cas is silent in his seat the entire way. He doesn’t move, he doesn’t speak, hell he hardly breathes. It makes Dean’s skin crawl with discomfort. He knows he should do something to make Cas snap out of it, to hold Cas in the present but he just can figure out what he _is_ supposed to do. Dean isn’t good with these situations. Sam is the touchy feely one. Dean does the hard labor, he makes things happen. He doesn’t _talk._

That probably why he decides to get them to the safe house as quickly as possible so Cas can get inside and be safe. He does the only thing he’s sure he’s good at. He gets results, gets things done.

First thing first. Get to safety. (And make sure the “safe house” is in fact _safe_.)

Then he can start making plans and getting information, try to sort this mess out.

The exact coordination’s for the safe house reveals… nothing.

When Dean stops the car at exactly the coordination’s that was written on the piece of paper in the envelope he sees dead trees and thirsty plants in endless rows. The dirt road the car has driven on stops suddenly here and there is absolutely nothing here.

“Well this seems fucking promising” Dean says. Cas looks up and looks around but he doesn’t say anything.

“Let’s see what this thing says” Dean continues and pulls the small folded paper in the envelope out. He is greeted with words he can’t read, written in a small handwriting.

 __Vade_ _ad_ _occidentem_ _ _._ _Duo_ _chiliometrorum_ _._ _Averte vestri semita. Security exspectabo te._

“Great, we got the crazy one on our hands” Dean says. He shows the paper to Cas when he looks over. Cas gently takes it from him and lets his eyes run over the page.

“It’s Latin” he says silently, with a voice that is so hoarse Dean hardly understands it.

“Can you read it?” he asks hopefully.

“Go to the west. Two kilometers. Hide your tracks. Security for you” Cas answers. Dean sighs.

“So more riddles? Fucking great.”

“I believe that it is just a guide. No riddles. We are to go west for two kilometers and hide our tracks as we go and safety will await us there” Cas says.

“Well it can’t hurt to try” Dean says. They step out of the car and grab their bags, making sure that nothing is left behind that could lead to them. Dean almost wishes he could hide the car too, but it’s barren around them and there is nothing to hide it with. He decides that he just have to come back later if they find the safe house and drive the car back out of the forest so it can’t be found here.

They start walking and as always, the silence follows them. Dean can’t exactly say it surprises him, not after all the shit Cas heard from Jim, but it’s still irritating. Dean isn’t used to so much silence.

He keeps his mouth shut anyway. He can’t even begin to imagine how Cas must feel. Finding out that your parents aren’t who you thought they were is bad enough, but then finding out you have brother you knew nothing about must be even worse. Then finding out your name isn’t your real name and then to top it off, finding out that your parents have been dead for years, killed by the very same people apparently trying to off you and your new Soulmate too.

Yeah, Cas has earned the right to be silent for a while.

It takes about 30 minutes for them to walk the “two kilometers” and seriously? Why the hell isn’t it just miles? It would be easier.

When the _kilometers_ have been walked, Dean sees the place they have been looking for instantly.

It’s a small door on the ground of all places, covered in dead plants and leaves from the trees. It’s well hidden, but not enough so he misses it. They stop before it and Dean throws his bags on the ground so he can kneel beside the door and remove the plants from it.

It turns out it’s more a manhole cover than a door. It looks exactly like a manhole cover and Dean sighs irritated and stands. “For fucks sake” he mutters to himself. He drives his hands through his hair to think. Where the hell could this stupid safe house be?

“Dean” Cas calls silently, “There is no need to be frustrated. I believe you found the entrance.” Dean looks down to where Cas it kneeling by the manhole cover. Cas is running his fingers over the engravings in the metal gently.

“It’s more Latin” he says, “Venatores, Rómánus! It means, ‘Hunters, Unite!’.”

“Hunters?” Dean asks confused. He sits down beside Cas and lets his own fingers run over the surface.

“Premunt verbum, Tutus eris” Cas reads as his fingers run over the words, “It means, ‘Press the word, you will be safe.’ That’s all it says.” He looks up at Dean. Dean continues to look all over the cover to find anything else.

In the bottom of the cover, just beside the nose of his boot, is another word. _Poughkeepsie._

“Press the word” he mumbles, “It can’t be that simple…” His fingers stops over the word and with a gently push, he forces it down with a _click._

The cover groans metallic as a crack appears in the middle of the cover. It divides into halves and sinks down before they slide to each side, revealing a number pad.

Dean and Cas moves in closer to look at it at the same time.

“Didn’t the Father say you had received some numbers from your father?” Cas ask. Dean instantly sticks a hand into his bag and finds his newest sketchbook. He flips the pages until he finds the one with two small number codes.

“Okay, here goes nothing” he says as he places his fingers on the number pad. He pushes in 5-16-09-35, which was the first number his dad gave him. As soon as he pushes the last 5, the entire manhole cover sinks down with another click and rolls away underneath the ground, letting a hole be back, just big enough to let a grown man slide through it.

“I’ll be damned” Dean says and turns to Cas, “After you.” Cas don’t hesitate before he drops his own bags through the hole. He slides his legs through it too and pushes of the ground. Dean feels a little tug of uncertainty when Cas disappears through the hole. Two seconds later there is a bump and Cas groans.

“Are you coming?” he calls up to Dean. Dean breathes in deeply and puts his own bags through the hole. He slides his legs through first too, but he decides to hold onto the edge of the hole when he swings off the ground.

He swings down and ends up three feet from the floor underneath him, where Cas is already waiting with their bags. He lets go and lands perfectly on his feet in a small square room.

“There is an arrow pointing towards the hall down there” Cas says and points to the left corner where there is a hall starting, “I suspect that that is the direction we are supposed to travel.”

“Yeah, let me just close the…” Just as Dean mentions it, the manhole cover above them groans as it slides closed with a click. There is more metallic scraping before everything is silent again. “… manhole cover” Dean finishes slowly. Okay what the hell is this place?

They are left in the dark. Dean can’t even make out the shape of Cas next to him. All he can hear is Cas shuffling something before there is a click and light erupts from a flashlight in Cas’ hands.

“Shall we?” Cas asks coolly, but he doesn’t wait for an answer, because he just starts walking down the hall. Dean grabs his bags and follows him.

It’s a short walk. They turn a few times when the hall divides itself. Cas just points to another word, _Venator_ , probably in Latin each time and walks down the hall it was placed in. Dean remembers it is the word that means ‘Hunter’. It looks like the one from the manhole cover Cas translated to Hunter anyway.

They end up by another door with another number pad. Dean steps forward and pushes in 75-13-09, the second code his dad gave him. The door clicks and Dean pushes it open.

When Cas lifts the flashlight, they are met with a sight that is spectacular.

They are standing on top of a staircase made of metal, leading down to a room that is too big to see the end of. Cas moves the light to the walls beside them and finds a switch he pushes. Light explodes as the sound of machines waking up starts around them. Dean’s breath catches in his throat when he sees the rooms that the light reveals.

The first one looks like a command central. It has white brick walls, half-covered in black tiles. There are two squares on the walls just in front of them that looks like windows, but that really is just lamps covered with white glass. A big table with the same white glass and light underneath it stands in the middle of the room, surrounded by black chairs.

When he looks further along, into the other room, he sees more tables and chairs, this time made of brown wood. There are shelves with books everywhere along the walls in the other room and so much more that his mind can’t process it right now.

“Wow” he breathes. They step through the door together and closes it behind them.

The staircase is decorated, the metal bend into patterns and supported by black columns. Dean sees a brown leather couch and a few chairs standing on a platform on the staircase, but they decide to walk down instead, to look at the rooms underneath them.

When they land on the floor Dean puts down his bags and walks forward to the small staircase leading into the other room.

It’s even more spectacular up close. White columns support the ceiling in the huge room, bookcases placed in between them. There is three tables in the middle of the room and lamps everywhere. Behind the tables Dean can see a huge telescope and he can’t help laughing in disbelief when he sees it.

“Fuck” he says, “I think we just found the bat-cave.” Cas has followed him into the room that he in his mind calls a library because it looks a hell of a lot like it.

Over the arch that leads to the telescope he sees more words written in black letters, surrounded by a symbol he recognizes.

He places his hand on his chest, just over the tattoo him and Sam had gotten when Sam turned 18. It had been their dad’s idea it should be this design. He told them it meant unity and family. That it meant freedom.

Now, looking at the exact same symbol next to words he can’t read, he feels like his dad might have tried to include him in what could only be described as the biggest secrete of his life.

“What does it say?” Dean asks Cas. Cas is looking at the words too. He swallows and walks forward.

“It is more Latin” he says and turns so he can look at Dean. He looks just as astonished as Dean, his eyes wide and face blank in surprise.

“It says: Hunters of Evil, Men of Letters, Protectors of Freedom. The Light shall bring you victory” Cas says. He looks around again, takes in everything he sees.

“I think this is their headquarters. I think this is where they gathered to plan attacks, to ensure our safety” he continues.

“Who did Cas?” Dean asks. He walks over to him and grabs his arm so he stops moving, “Who?” Cas looks up at him, lets their eyes meet.

“Our parents, Dean” he answers, “I think our parents planned this from the day you were born. I think that this…” he gestures to the room and looks back, “was all made for _us._ ”

Dean lets him go and steps back, tries to make it all fit inside his head. He can’t. There’s still too much he doesn’t know, to many things that doesn’t add up.

He pulls out a chair and sits down. His eyes finds the Latin words over the arch again and he reads them, even though he can’t understand them. His eyes lingers with the first three ones though. It feels like they are calling to him, that something in their meaning is supposed to mean something more to him. He lets a hand cover the hidden tattoo on his chest again.

 _Hunters of Evil…_ Is that what his dad is? Was his mom one too? What about Sam? Does he know anything about this place? What does the words _mean_? Are they literal in their meaning or is it something else?

Dean can’t figure it out. He can’t wrap his head around it. But one thing is for sure. He knows the answers to all their questions is hidden in here somewhere.

They just have to go dig them up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Puuh! Over 10k words for you guys. I hope you are happy! ;-)  
> Okay!  
> First, translations: from google translate.  
> spanish - english  
> Hola. Buscas algo? - Hello. Looking for something?  
> Buenas noches, Padre. Mi nombre es Emmanuel. Hemos sido enviados aquí por un amigo. - Good evening, Father. My name is Emmanuel. We have been sent here by a friend.  
> Perdone, Padre. Tengo que traducirpara mi amigo. - Excuse me, Father. I have to translate for my friend.
> 
> A few Links:  
> Pictures of the cathedral: https://www.google.dk/search?q=chihuahua+cathedral&source=lnms&tbm=isch&sa=X&ei=nyioU62fNOi_ygP9uILABg&sqi=2&ved=0CAYQ_AUoAQ&biw=1366&bih=633#imgdii=_  
> Info of the city of Chihuahua: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Chihuahua,_Chihuahua
> 
> And then some notes from me. First I want to say that all the pictures is from google. All rights go to the owners ect. ect. It is just used as reference. (Because I love to be able to see the stuff I read/write about and I can't draw)  
> As you read, I have decided to make Jo older than Dean. It's simply because it was either this or give her another father than Ellen's Soulmate, which I didn't want to do.  
> Castiel's parents names are made up. I didn't know what Anna's human parents were called in the show and these names just fitted so. And also, uuuh suspense. Who is the mysterious brother of Cas? I won't tell you. It's a surprise but you are welcome to guess. Just like I won't tell you how exactly the Winchesters, Bobby, Pastor Jim, the Harvelles and the Miltons know each other and what the mysterious Latin words in the Bunker means. You have to wait for that.  
> Next, there's the bunker of course! Wiiii! I made it different, but hells yeah, of course it's the safe house! What did you think about that?  
> Also, don't ask me how much time I spend on this chapter. It makes me uncomfortable to even think about...  
> *Whispers* three entire days. shh. I know I'm crazy and should be doing my DCBB but hey, one of the days was research! Can't go down on research. And besides, you guys just make me so happy with all your responds so.. I guess I'm saying that you are worth it. Thank you. 
> 
> Okay, I'm going, I'm going!  
> Until next time lovelies! <3  
> \- Camie


	5. Vision Of The Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dreams is said to be back doors into ones subconscious. Dean is starting to realize just how true that might be, and not just regarding himself.

Dean never had dreams before. At night he would just sleep surrounded by darkness feeling the pull inside grow stronger and stronger. Sleep was never something he enjoyed, it was a chore, something that should just be over with so he could wake up and fight through another day. Sometimes sleeping was worse than being awake, a necessary evil.

It was never a pleasant thing and he never dreamed.

Until Cas came into his life.

The first sleep he had gotten after their Bonding, the Rejection Sickness induced slumber in the Impala, had been filled with colors. It had just been colors, like a television that was out of tune. Like his dreams was tuning in for the first time in his life, ready to show him something he had never experienced before (which they kind of were doing at the time he realizes now).

The second night, the night at the Roadhouse motel on the floor, it had been pictures. More sharp and with sound. He had dreamed of a field and fireworks, kid-Sam standing by his side smiling and laughing.

The third night, the one spend in the car on the side of a road close to Mexico’s border, had been of his mom. They had been in a kitchen baking pie and talking about nothing and everything. He can still smell the delicious smell of baking apples, cinnamon and sugar if he thinks about it. 

This night is something different. He is alone, sitting on a wooden pier at a lake with a fishing pole in his hand and a cold beer at his feet. The sky is bluish and the water blank, undercurrents making the surface break in a few places but without making more than a little plopping sound.

Dean is feeling good, content and peaceful. He swipes the fishing pole up a little, making the bobble attached to the line bob slightly in the water. He smiles and leans back in the primitive camping chair he is sitting in. This is life.

A shadow appears on his right. He looks over and nearly has a heart attack when he sees Cas standing next to him fully clothed in his suit and that awful trench coat. Cas is looking out over the lake with a serious expression and a frown, like he can’t really figure out why he is here. His eyes flicker down to Dean who is still sitting in the chair with wide eyes and his mouth open.

“Hello, Dean” Cas says. His eyes are again fixed on something on the other side of the lake.

Dean is still gaping because Cas looks different. He looks more fierce, more angry, more determined. Stronger. His body is stiff and still like he is standing in front of a threat and his eyes are pinched a bit together while he gazes over the water.

And then there is the enormous black feathery wings attached to his back. Those are definitely new too.

“Hi C-Cas” Dean stammers, just because that is the only bodily function he can persuade to work right now. He forces himself to look away, to look back at the water, just so his brain can have a second to reboot.

 _This is a dream_ he tells himself.

How does those work? He have heard others speak of dreams before, but he has never experienced them himself. Sam has once told him about them. Of course he went a little science geek with it, but that’s just how Sam is. It's probably why Dean tuned out for most of it too. 

Sam said that it is the way that the subconscious talks to you. That it uses things he knows or have experienced to tell him something important.

So what is Dean’s subconscious trying to tell him? That Cas is pissed? That there is something wrong with him that Dean hasn’t noticed? Is there something he was supposed to do? Or is it trying to tell him that Cas is a giant bird?

Hell, Dean doesn’t know. This is all so…

“Hey!” he exclaims and turns to look at Cas again, “I’m not supposed to know I’m dreaming when I’m dreaming, am I?” Dean is pretty sure Sam said something about that too. You don’t know you are dreaming when you are dreaming.

Cas looks at him from the corner of his eye and his mouth twitches a little in a smile. “Perhaps not” he says and looks away again, “But now you are. What do you suppose that means?”

“That my subconscious is a dick” Dean states and starts to pull the line out of the water. He stops before he has retracted it completely and just drops it. If this is a dream, then there is no reason to hold on to the fishing pole. There is no reason for him to pack up his stuff.

The fishing pole ends up floating in the air like he is still holding it. It still pulls the line a bit so the bubble bobs on the water surface and Dean isn’t the one doing it.

“What the…” he mumbles.

“Take it” Cas says. Dean looks over at him again. He is holding a folded piece of paper, offering it to Dean.

“What is it?” Dean asks.

“I don’t know” Cas answers nonchalant. Dean’s eyes flickers to the fishing pole again, which is still just hovering in the air by itself. That's just too freaking weird.

“But it’s your paper” he says to Cas while he watches the fishing pole move. Cas tilts his head.

“I just found it. It is for you” he says. Dean huffs annoyed but takes the paper. Jesus, his subconscious is a weird place.

He unfolds the paper and finds two words written inside. The words jump and swirls on the paper, but he can still read them before they turn too unclear. _Find me._

“What the hell is that supposed to mean, you’re standing right …” Dean says as he looks up, but he stops talking when he realizes he is just talking to the air. Cas is gone.

“Son of a…” Dean looks down again. How is he supposed to find Cas when he could literally be anywhere? Where is he supposed to start looking? The dude had wings!

Dean looks up again, deciding to just start walking, but nearly has a heart attack when he sees that he isn’t where he was a moment ago. He’s in a small cabin, inside a tiny room with only two beds and a lamp in the ceiling. Dean is sitting on the end of one of the beds, the lamp is off and it is suspiciously quiet around him.

Just as he thinks that, two voices starts arguing from the other side of the door. They aren’t loud or yelling, but the harsh tones and quick pace is enough to know that there is clearly something the two people aren’t agreeing on.

Dean stands and walks closer to the door slowly. He wants to hear what the voices are talking about, but it doesn’t get clearer. They are still muffled and weak like he hadn’t moved at all, even now when he is standing with his ear pressed against the cool wooden door.

“You can’t do that” a young voice says behind him. Dean spins around and finds the bed he just left occupied by a small boy and a sleeping little girl. The boy is sitting up, but the girl doesn’t seem to be disturbed by his talking or moving.

“We are not supposed to interrupt Mother and Father when they are talking like that” the boy says.

Dean looks around but there isn’t anybody else next to him. “Are you talking to me kid?” Dean asks him while pointing to himself, as if the boy is so stupid he doesn’t know who ‘me’ is.

“Yes” the boy says. Dean straightens up a little and takes a step closer. The boy doesn’t react, just watches him with blue eyes seemingly too old and wise for his face. Dean takes a chance and sits on the other bed. The boy still stares at him.

“So, do you know what they are talking about then?” Dean asks the boy. The boy tilts his head while thinking and something rattles inside Dean. That head tilt is too familiar and yet, he can’t really figure out where he has seen it before. It’s like the answer is just out of reach and it irritates him.

The boy jumps out of bed and walks over to Dean. He stops right in front of him, letting his eyes sweep over Dean’s body again and again like he is looking for something. “They are probably talking about this” he says and lifts his right hand. Dean recognizes the black Mark on that hand instantly, even though it’s still red around the edges and looks sore, like it has just appeared.

“Cas?!” he exclaims in disbelief. The boy lowers his hand and nods once. And Dean can just see it when he looks at the boy’s face again. The too blue eyes, the blackish wild hair, the childish body that is so similar to the grown Cas’. He ignores the blue pajamas with bees Cas is wearing, because he doesn't think it's the time to laugh uncontrollably (or to coo over how fucking adorable kid-Cas is in that pajamas). 

“You normally isn’t in this memory” Cas says. Dean can even hear it’s him by his voice now. It’s childish and young but still deep like his Cas’ voice.

Wow. His? Okay, that’s up for interpretation later. Way way _way_ later.

“What do you mean? Memory? I’m dreaming” Dean says.

“Obviously” Cas says, “But you are in my dream.” He tilts his head again. “This is very strange. You are very lifelike. I must have observed you more than I was aware of.” Cas looks at the door when the voices die out.

“This dream is nearly over” he says silently and sighs. Cas walks back to the bed and lies down beside the girl, who must be his sister Anna. He pulls her arm over him and turns his face to her. He looks at Dean again with questions in his eyes. Dean doesn’t know what to do.

“It is very strange” Cas mumbles. He closes his eyes and everything around Dean suddenly turns to black.

* * *

Dean wakes up in his own bed feeling like he hasn’t slept at all seconds later. He must have because the clock on the bed table tells him it’s almost 7 AM.

He rolls over to lie on his back and stares at the ceiling for a little while, thinking about that dream that just doesn’t disappear from his mind. The concept of dreaming is still strange to him, it’s too new to really think anything other than it’s weird, but somehow this dream felt even more off. Like it wasn’t a dream-dream. And yup, he’s starting to sound crazy.

In lack of anything better to do, Dean decides to get up and take a shower. He knows he can’t sleep more right now, so it’s better to just get the day started.

The shower is awesome. The two weeks that they have already been here has been filled with one discovery after another. They found countless bedrooms in one end of the bunker, a kitchen fully stocked, showers that would make a high-class gym seem primitive, a garage with cars and motorcycles, a file-room with too many files for Dean to really comprehend and they even found a goddamn dungeon. What the dungeon’s purpose is or what it has been used for earlier is something Dean doesn’t want to look too far into. He might not like the answer, because just the look of it screamed crazy sex dungeon and just, no.

After his shower he walks to the kitchen to start up breakfast. He is in the mood for a classic bacon-egg breakfast, so he fires up a pan to get the cooking started.

While the food cooks and the coffee brew, he can’t help but think about his dad, alone in the prison. Dean isn’t going to be able to visit for a while, if even ever. Thinking about his dad automatically means thinking about Sam too and where he is in the world. What he thinks of all this shit that has happened and the company looking for him and Cas. Is it true what Pastor Jim said? Had Bobby gotten Sam out of harm’s way in time? Is he and Jess safe somewhere?

Dean wished he could pick up the phone and call them to find out. He misses them all so much and just being able to hear his dad’s voice again or being able to ask him about all this stuff that is so confusing would be unbelievably nice. His dad always seems to know what to do, no matter what.

But all Dean can do is make breakfast in a kitchen he isn’t too familiar in yet.

He decides to let those thoughts be. He can’t do anything about it right now so it’s better to just try and forget about the shit that has happened. It’s not as easily done as said.

He almost gets a heart attack when he turns around to fetch himself a cup when Cas practically materializes out of thin air behind him.

“Jesus!” Dean exclaims and jumps back, “Make some noise Cas! Can’t sneak up on people like that.” Cas doesn’t say anything to him, just tilts his head before he apparently gives up trying to find something to say and just goes for the coffee machine.

Dean is in his right to be surprised. Cas hasn’t come out of his room in 4 whole days now and hasn’t said a word to him. This is the first he sees of him in the flesh (and he is totally not mentioning how he is freakishly dreaming about Cas every night).

“Are you okay?” Dean asks him. Cas slides the pot into the coffee machine again before he turns around with a cup in his hand.

“I’m fine” he says, half shrugging before taking a sip of his coffee. He sighs and rolls his shoulders. “It’s not like my entire life has been unraveled and turned upside down.”

Dean swallows silently and scoops the eggs onto a plate. “Yeah that sucks” he says. He smacks himself mentally for not finding anything better to say. But what the hell can he say? Finding out your parents has been dead for years and you didn't have a clue? That you have a brother you didn’t know about? That everything that you ever believed has been a lie? That the pain you have been living in could have been avoided if the people you thought cared about you had just told you the truth?

He can’t say a damn thing to make any of that better and Cas has every damn right to be upset about it.

“Hungry?” he asks instead as he places the eggs and bacon on the small table in the room. He grabs some bread from a bag and pops it into a toaster. He curses himself for not buying some juice on his small supply run he had gone on the day after they had arrived, but he can’t do much about it now. Not with the entire world looking for them and certainly not when his hair has once again turn back to its right color.

“I could eat” Cas says and sits down with his cup. He accepts a piece of toasted bread when Dean offers it to him but doesn’t touch anything else. He just nibs the bread and drinks the coffee in silence.

Minutes ticks by without a word said between them and Dean is starting to get a little uncomfortable. He feels like he should do something or say something to help Cas but he can’t figure out what. He has never been good with this, never had a girlfriend or even been with the same girl for more than a few weeks. The only real relationship he has ever had has been with his family and that was hard enough. Comforting someone he barely knows is almost impossible.

“I was thinking about trying to wire up one of the TV’s after this” he offers, “Wanna join?”

Cas doesn’t even look up. Dean can see him looking thoughtfully at his plate before he slowly shakes his head and continues eating. It’s frustrating. Cas won’t even look at him and Dean can’t figure out what he has done to make Cas hate him so much.

Maybe Cas just blames Dean for everything. And yeah, maybe Dean is a little guilty. He could have tried to restrain Sam better, tried to get him to realize that Dean had no desire to find his Soulmate. If Sam hadn’t put that profile up on that website, he would have never found Cas and all this would never have happened. They wouldn’t be stuck in a foreign country in a bunker with too much high-tech security to be anything but a place to do illegal things, with a billion dollar company hunting them because they apparently are something special.

If Dean had controlled his brother better, Cas would be safe in his room at the mental facility.

There is silence between them again as they finish eating. Cas is done first and rinses his plate before he sticks it in the pile that needs washing. Dean doesn’t tell him about the dishwasher he found yesterday while cooking dinner for himself and he doesn’t know why.

“I am going to explore the file room today” Cas says behind him. Dean grunts to let him know he has heard him, but decides to turn around and answer him properly.

“Yeah knock yourself out Cas.” Cas nods once and doesn’t return Dean’s small smile before he walks out of the kitchen.

When Dean hears the door to the file room open and close in the silence that occupy the bunker all the time, he sighs and rubs his face with his hands. How can people willingly want this? The awkwardness alone should be enough to make everybody run the other way screaming.

It’s funny how nobody talks about this. It’s always flowers and rainbows that people when they tell about how they found their soulmate, which is pretty much all the damn time. Nobody says anything about the pure weirdness of suddenly being tied to a stranger in every way possible. A connection that could very well kill you if you try to break it. It’s just insane and Dean still hasn’t changed his mind about that. Or is it just him and Cas that’s this fucked up? That can’t get it to work? He doesn’t know, but it’s a possibility.

Either way, he can’t do anything about it now. All he can do is try to make the best of the situation, because whether he like it or not, Cas has stolen a piece of him. He has dug himself a little hole in Dean’s chest and filled it up and for some reason Dean doesn’t want him to leave again. It could be the soul-bond talking, but Dean isn’t sure anymore. Maybe he never will be.

Dean decides that the dishwasher can have another day off. Cleaning the dishes will give him something to do instead of sitting and feeling sorry for himself. When that is done he tries to fix the TV like he said he would, but it doesn’t take much more than fifteen minutes for it to start up. It works perfectly. The first thing the TV shows is a news channel that is still showing his and Cas’ faces. He shuts off the TV again. Suddenly he lost the desire to watch anything.

Cleaning the room he has made his own takes half an hour and the bathroom about the same. He argues with himself whether or not he should tidy up Cas’ room too but decides not to. Cas’ room is his private space and Dean doesn’t want to violate him like that.

Soon Dean finds himself in the garage, checking out the different vehicles there. There’s a few cars that isn’t anything special and they both work when he tries to turn them on. The thing that catches his curiosity is the motorcycle standing in a corner. It’s old and beyond gorgeous but needs some work to really shine. She doesn’t start either and Dean feels like she is calling out to him for help. He can’t let that opportunity go.

He finds some tools and an old radio standing on a workstation. The radio works and he’s happy to tune in to his favorite rock station and turn the volume up. While he listens to classic rock and sings along (it's not _that_ off-tune, is it?), he works on the old bike. He forgets all about the dark clouds roaming over his head for a few hours, and for a little while, Dean finally feels like himself once again.

* * *

He is standing in a forest somewhere he doesn’t know. It’s a meadow of some kind, with tall grass and little flowers. The sky is blue and birds are singing and it’s a god damn fairy tale.

What the hell is Dean doing here again?

In the same moment two people appear before him. A tall man with reddish hair and a little boy with dark brown hair. Dean recognizes Cas instantly from his other dream and that’s when it clicks. He is dreaming again.

“Hands up Castiel” the man says, “Always remember to guard your face and sides. They are the most vulnerable places on your body.” Cas does as the man says with a look of fierce concentration on his young face. Then they begin to fight.

It’s clear that what Dean is looking at is a sparring match. The man never hits Cas with full power, never enough to harm him but enough to make him stumble a little. Cas is impressively good for his young age. Dean can see his mind turning, calculating every move the man makes. But it’s not enough. The man kicks Cas’ legs out from under him in the split second Cas isn’t expecting it and he goes down.

The man quickly pulls him up again and makes sure he isn’t hurt, but sighs for some reason when he finds Cas unharmed. “You need to be faster on your feet” he tells Cas, “A real opponent wouldn’t hold back against you like I do. He wouldn’t care if you are a child or not.”

“I know” Cas says with his young voice, “I’ll do better, I promise.” The man smiles to him and straightens up again.

“Good. One more time.” They continue fighting.

The surroundings change. Dean is now standing in the same bedroom that he first met young Cas. He can see him and Anna sleeping in the beds, their tiny heads poking out from under the covers. Everything is quiet and peaceful.

And then it is not. The only window in the room starts to open slowly without a sound. Dean can see a shadow outside moving around and he feels panic instantly.

“Hey!” he yells, trying to make the intruder scared so he won’t come in. But somehow his voice doesn’t appear. He feels like he is talking but there is no sound coming from him.

The shadow from outside crawls in through the window and sneaks closer to the beds. It is a man wearing black clothes and a mask to hide his face, which for all the wrong reasons makes Dean’s heart beat a mile a minute. Dean tries yelling again but with no luck. When the man pulls out a gun, Dean jumps him without thinking.

Or he tries to anyway. He goes right through him like Dean is a ghost and the man continues to sneak closer to the beds, aiming the gun at the small bodies hidden under the covers.

His heart almost leaps out of his throat when the door is suddenly kicked in and the man from before storms through it. He is on the intruder with the gun instantly, fighting for control over the weapon. The noise has woken up Cas and Anna and they are quick to fly out of bed and into the arms of a dark haired woman that appears in the room too.

A gunshot sounds.

The air in the room is silent for several seconds. Nobody moves, nobody says anything. Then there is a pained cry from a small boy and everything just explodes into chaos. Cas is hit and he continues to cry in pain. Dean can’t see where he is hit or how bad it is because everyone is moving, every _thing_ is moving in blurred stripes. Anna is crying too, but mostly out of chock. The woman pulls them out of the room with an terrified expression on her face and Dean just wants to kiss her for thinking that fast even though Cas is hurt. The man and the intruder is still fighting, but not for long. The man gets his arms around the intruders neck and with a twist the sound of bones breaking travels through the room.

Dean watches with a sick feeling in his stomach as the intruders body hits the floor, limp and dead. The man flies out of the room to where the others are, but Dean can’t rip his eyes from the intruder on the floor. The sound of the neck snapping has him paralyzed. Never has he heard a sound so horrible before and he can only imagine how it must have felt, holding his own hands over the delicate skin and feeling the hard bone snap underneath his fingers…

It only lasts until he hears Cas cry out in pain again from the other room. Then he snaps out of whatever he was trapped in and runs out to see if he will make it.

When he runs through the door everything turns black and he is cast into the abyss.

* * *

Waking up after a dream is never fun. The shift to reality is strange and difficult. Somehow your brain wants you to hang onto the dream, so you are disoriented for a few seconds. Waking up after a nightmare is even worse.

Dean thinks so anyway. He doesn’t even realize that he has left his bed before he is standing outside Cas’ room and is in the middle of pushing the door handle down. And then he is standing in Cas’ room, looking at a sleeping Cas that is clearly having a nightmare too. He is twisting himself, his face is showing pain and fear, the blankets are tangled around his legs and hips and he is whimpering.

Dean walks over without thinking and gently shakes his shoulder. “Cas, buddy, wake up” he calls softly.

Cas reacts immediately. Dean doesn’t even know what hit him before Cas has opened his eyes, twisted his body to kick Dean’s legs out from under him and jammed his hand around his neck. All air is cut off from his lungs and he struggles to get Cas to let go of him.

The fierce determination in Cas’ face scares the shit out of him.

Then the sleepy fog disappears from Cas’ eyes and chock replaces the determination. Cas is off him in seconds and all Dean can do is lie on the floor coughing to catch his breath. What… the _hell_?

“I am so sorry!” Cas exclaims, “I don’t know what happened.” Dean waves his hand to say ‘don’t think about it’ while he breathes. “Please believe me, it was just a reaction, I never meant to harm you” Cas continues to say as he pulls Dean up from the floor so he can sit on the bed.

“Calm down” Dean says, “I’m okay.” He rubs his neck, but stops when Cas makes a wounded noise deep in his throat.

“Are you sure? Do you feel any pain?” Cas asks and begins to examine Dean’s neck with shaking fingers. Dean bats his hands away.

“Seriously, I’m fine. Stop freaking out” he tells him, “I’m more worried about you.” Cas’ head snaps up.

“Why?” he asks like he really doesn’t understand how Dean could be worried about him.

“Looked like one hell of a nightmare” Dean answers while he nods towards the pillow.

“Oh” Cas breathes, “It was nothing. Just an old memory.”

“Didn’t look like nothing” Dean says.

And that’s when he realizes Cas is sitting next to him wearing nothing but boxers. That in itself would be enough to freak Dean out, but the star formed scar that his eyes has seen on Cas’ lower stomach freaks him out even more.

“What happened there?” he asks before he can stop himself. Cas looks down.

“I was shot when I was a child” he says and looks up, “It was an accident. A robber that my father tried to disarm and a shot got fires in the fight. It hit me.”

Dean just stares at him in disbelief. Because that was…

That was his dream. He has just dreamed that. _How the hell could he just have dreamed that?!_

“Dean…?” He turns his head towards Cas, even though his thoughts is still running uncontrolled through his head. He grunts an answer.

“Thank you for waking me up” Cas says. He has his arms around him and when Dean finally shakes himself and looks at him, he realizes that Cas is looking beyond uncomfortable.

“Oh, yeah no problem” Dean hurries to say and stands quickly, “I’ll just…” He points at the door and starts backing out of the room. Cas pulls his blanket up over his legs and nods to him.

“Okay” Dean mumbles. He shuts the door without waiting for Cas to say anything, he probably wouldn’t have anyway.

And then he just stares at the door. He stares and stares because that… that really shouldn’t be possible. How could Dean dream of exactly that? Something that happened to Cas when he was a kid that he has never told Dean about. Dean hasn’t even seen him without a shirt before, so he couldn’t possibly have figured it out subconsciously. He had _no idea_ that Cas had had a childhood that wasn’t exactly normal, had no idea that he had been shot or the intruder had accidently fired a shot that hit Cas.

So how the hell could he have dreamed that? It’s not possible.

Dean turns and walks back to his bedroom slowly, thoughts still buzzing in his head. He absently rubs his shoulder, the one with the Mark, but stops the second he realizes it starts tingling like someone is touching him back.

He collapses back on his bed and rubs his head to get it to be silent. He feels like he’s starting to lose his mind. He’s no closer to the answers he want, why they had to flee like dogs with their tails between their legs, why he’s suddenly dreaming about Cas so much, _why_ he’s dreaming things that really happened before he even knows them himself, why things between him and Cas seems to get more awkward for each day that passes.

No matter what, one thing is for sure.

This dreaming shit just turned from weird to fucking insane, and Dean is determined to get to the bottom of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know it has been far too long since I updated and that this chapter don't even come near the quality or length of the others. I have been fighting through a serious writers block, still are in fact, on top of RL issuses. That's why I have decided to put this fic on a Hiatus, until I feel I have the inspiration and strenght to finish it. It WILL be finished! I promise! I just need to get through some RL things before I can focus on the imaginary world again. I hope you all understand.   
> That said, I might come back and edit this chapter when the time comes, because I am NOT satisfied with the result, but I thought I would give an update before I put the fic on hiatus. So there it is.   
> Thanks for the reads, comments and kudos so far! It really means a lot that even though this fic has been lacking in updates, I still get emails telling me people reads and gives kudos to it.   
> I hope to see you soon again!


	6. My Life's Red Thread

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Confusion, surprises and a lot of things that just isn't the way they should be.

The next couple of days passes in a whirlwind of confusion, frustration and awkwardness. Castiel stays to himself most of the time, reading all the many files stored away in the file room he has been reorganizing. It is hard to understand what is happening between him and Dean and even harder for Castiel himself to understand what’s happening inside himself most of the time. He is used to fighting the darker feelings in life, the loneliness of missing his Soulmate and the physiological and psychological aspects of missing that part of himself, but the feelings he has been experiencing the last few weeks is foreign and they scare him. They are much more powerful than anything he has ever dealt with before.

The grief is the first thing to come to mind. It is hard to suddenly have to accept the fact that his parents never left him and Anna like he thought they did, but that they were taken from them without them knowing. The hatred he felt for his parents is hard to let go, so he ends up having this strange mix of grief and hatred all at once and it’s confusing. It makes him feel guilty too, because his parents doesn’t deserve his hatred when they haven’t done anything besides trying to help.

On top of that, there’s the mix of disbelief and longing for the older brother he learned he had from Pastor Jim. Castiel has always been happy with having Anna by his side, always been satisfied with her being his only family, but knowing that there’s someone else out there that shares their blood, that maybe misses them and perhaps have been looking for them to find answers, it breaks his heart. Castiel will admit that he is a family man, that family is the most important thing for him because he has always believed that family needs to stick together, that they are the only people in this world you can truly trust and knowing that he, without even knowing it, has let one of his family members be alone for so long, is so hard to handle for him that he can barely have time to feel anything else.

Then there’s the rage towards the people that tore his family apart. The Heaven Inc. corporation and all that they stand for. He turns hot all over just thinking about them and he’s happy that they aren’t in front of him sometimes, because he isn’t sure what he would do to them if they were.

But all this is nothing compared to the feelings he is experiencing when it comes to Dean. Castiel knew that having an Soulmate would make him feel things he had never felt before, but he didn’t expect the feelings to be like this. He had maybe expected love and understanding and content like everyone always tells him they feel. Instead he’s not only feeling confused about Dean’s many mixed signals, the sometimes lingering touches and looks and the fierceness in Dean’s protector instinct that has him storming to Castiel’s side the second he senses something is not alright, but he’s angry, sad, joyful and lonely all at once. Angry because he can’t understand that every time he tries to come to Dean to seek comfort, Dean pulls away like Castiel had burned him.

It happened once last night. Castiel was ready for bed and had wanted to say goodnight and warn Dean that if he wanted to wake Castiel up again like he did a few days back when he was having an nightmare, then he should try to do it more gently so Castiel’s instincts didn’t make him tackle him to the floor again. Castiel had just rested a hand on Dean’s shoulder to get his attention, seeing as Dean was swaying around in his room getting ready to bed with earplugs in his ears, listing to some song Castiel didn’t recognize, and Dean had practically flown to the other side of the room and started yelling at Castiel for sneaking up on him and touching him when he didn’t have any clothes on.

To say that Castiel was confused is an understatement. He has no idea why Dean acted like that. But then again, it shouldn’t have been all that surprising, seeing that Dean always seemed to close himself up when Castiel tried to make them connect like Soulmates are supposed to do. Dean always just either doesn’t take their conversations seriously, acts weird or just plain out lies about how he’s feeling and Castiel is getting tired of it. Maybe that’s part of the reason why he has been keeping some distance between him and Dean since they talked with Pastor Jim. On top of everything else, dealing with the chaos that is Dean is honestly a little too much for Castiel to handle alone. He is just a man after all.

Don’t get him wrong, he is very happy that he has found Dean, even happier than Dean decided to give him a chance, but there’s just something inside Castiel that makes him think that maybe Dean isn’t feeling the same way he does. Castiel has felt in the way since the second Dean and him met, always feeling like he is forcing Dean to be with him, like it’s Castiel’s fault that they have been forced to leave their home and country and family behind. Dean has made it very clear that he had been perfectly fine with never meeting Castiel at all, that he is just dealing with the situation as it is now. Well if that wouldn’t make everyone feel redundant, then Castiel doesn’t know what will.

It doesn’t help that Dean has started showing up in Castiel’s dreams, acting weird and strangely lifelike. Every dream Castiel has had is a memory of his early childhood before his parents disappeared and that in itself is enough to make Castiel feel a little uncomfortable, but then it became even stranger when Dean woke him up that night and started asking questions about the very dream Castiel had just left like he _knew_ what he had dreamed about.

It could just be an coincidence of course. Castiel wasn’t wearing a shirt because his room is far too warm to sleep clothed in and Dean saw the scar on his stomach from the bullet and got curious. It is possible, but Castiel can’t let it go.

That’s why he has been reluctant to sleep ever since because if there is the slightest of chance that Dean is actually visiting in his dreams, which in itself sounds like the talk of a mad man, then Castiel isn’t sure how to feel about that. It feels too personal, almost close to a violation, to have Dean being able to just walk around in his dreams and seeing all those memories that Castiel would rather tell him about if he asked, then let him see. It’s strange that he feels this way because he shouldn’t have a problem with letting his Soulmate see every part of himself, but Dean hasn’t exactly offered anything personal about himself yet, nothing really personal at least. With Dean it’s always just the surface that’s shown. The second Castiel starts to scratch it Dean backs away quickly, reacting with anger to keep him away.

Anyway, Castiel has decided to not waste time with that anymore. There are far more important things he could be spending his energy on and he loathes that he has a tendency to keep falling into the same spiral of thoughts many times a day.

The ring of open files he is sitting in apparently doesn’t have the ability to keep his mind occupied like he thought they would. It’s not because they aren’t interesting, it’s actually quite the opposite. The files all tell horror stories about the many victims of the Heaven Inc. corporation, one more terrifying than the other, but they are all dead ends. Maybe that’s why they can’t hold his attention for long. The stories are gruesome and it’s clear that the people telling their stories, whether it be on paper, film or audio, have been wronged by the corporation in some way, but there are just no evidence to back up their stories. There’s pictures and medical records yes, but there are nothing concrete tying the corporation to the victims and Castiel has seen and read enough crime stories to know that without proof there is no case. He has to find something bulletproof that the corporation can’t either buy their way out of or talk their way out of.

While he is searching for that one piece of information that can give him and Dean his life back, Castiel is secretly also searching for his lost brother. That is a task that is starting to look almost impossible, but it has given him enough purpose to give him a chance of holding the grief at bay. He’ll mourn his parents later he tells himself all the time, once his brother has been found he’ll allow himself to mourn.

He had thought that there would be some sort of notation about his brother in these files somewhere but he hasn’t been able to find anything about him yet. So he keeps searching, reading file after file, scanning each page of paper with the hope that this is finally the one that’s going to give him the information he needs, whether it be about his brother or information that can give him and Dean their life back.

Sometime later the door into the file room opens. Castiel doesn’t bother with looking at it, but continues to read through the medical record belonging to a six years old child that the Heaven Inc. did unimaginable things to. He can hear Dean enter the door and walk over to stop right behind him.

It’s distracting. Dean is leaning down to read over his shoulder and his presence prickles on Castiel’s skin.

“Can I help you with anything?” Castiel asks, letting the file rest in his lap as he turns his head to raise an eyebrow at Dean. Dean moves back the second Castiel moves his head and clears his throat.

“Yeah I wanted to see if you were hungry or thirsty or something” he answers, “You’ve been here awhile.” Had he? He hadn’t noticed that time had passed at all. It feels as though he just sat down. Strange.

But now he’s thinking about it, he is actually hungry and could use a drink too. “I could eat” he says and lets the file in his lap fall to the floor. He stretches his arms over his head and hears his back pop a few times. He hadn’t noticed it had started to ache either.

“Cool, I’ll get something cooking then” Dean says.

“I’ll join you.” Castiel begins to stand up and finds it a little difficult for his legs to untangle after having been in this sitting position for too long.

“Need a hand grandpa?” Dean teases him with a small laugh when he sees Castiel struggling.

“I’ll manage” Castiel responds and finally gets his legs to cooperate with him. He follows Dean to the kitchen in silence and together they get to cooking. They don’t talk and Castiel doesn’t like the awkward silence between them. He don’t know what he can say to start up a conversation without it resulting in some sort of failure because he accidently touches a subject that Dean isn’t comfortable with and therefore he finds it easier to just let the silence be. Dean finds the silence as awkward as he does it seems, because a few minutes into the cooking he goes to turn on the radio and soon he’s humming along with the songs that’s playing. It makes Castiel smile, because Dean is adorable, almost childlike so, sometimes.

They’re cooking spaghetti and meatballs and Dean asks him to chop the onions and other vegetables for the sauce. It’s an easy job and gives him a lot of time to get caught in his own thoughts again, thoughts that’s still swirling in the same useless circle they did before.

Maybe that’s why Dean is the only one of them that hears the heavy iron entrance door open through the music that’s playing and maybe that’s why it’s Dean who tackles Castiel to the floor, presses him down with his body and not the other way around. Dean presses a finger to his lips when Castiel silently asks him why he did that and he follows Dean’s finger when he points towards something. That’s when Castiel hears the tell-tale sounds of footsteps on the metal stairs in the front room. It sounds like there’s several people walking down it and Castiel feels his stomach drop. How could they have found them?

Dean reaches up slowly and grabs the knife that Castiel was using to chop the vegetables with. He bends down again, hiding behind the kitchen table and nods slowly towards the door. He holds Castiel’s gaze until he nods back and then he carefully crawls over the floor towards the door so he can lean out and take a quick look into the hallway. The footsteps are nowhere near them so he isn’t surprised when Dean gestures for him to follow him into the empty hallway.

Castiel is mesmerized by the way Dean is moving. A picture flashes before his eyes, Dean wearing an military uniform, crawling through the dark halls of an enemy base with his weapon in hand, on a mission to save a hostage.

Sometimes Castiel thinks that his writer half is trying to sabotage him on purpose because while the picture is playing before his eyes he stumbles into Dean who has stopped. Dean reacts by pushing him back and holding a hand over his mouth, giving him an angry stare in the process.

The footsteps is coming closer quickly and his heart flops in his chest. Dean hears them too and is quick to push the door closest to them open before bodily dragging Castiel through it. He closes the door quietly behind them just in time, because seconds later the footsteps sounds just on the other side of the door and Castiel sees the dark shadows of their feet move past in the light that shines through underneath the door.

Castiel is holding his breath while they’re walking past them, digging his nails into his thighs to control the shakes that starts pulsing through him. Dean is listening, leaning his ear against the door and once the footsteps continue down the hall and into the kitchen they both breathe a little relieved. Dean carefully crawls away from the door and over to Castiel.

“You okay?” he whispers. Castiel nods.

“Who do you think it is?” Castiel whispers back to him. Dean shrugs.

“The Lordels? Hell, I don’t know but I’m not going to take the chance” he whispers. That’s good. Castiel is glad Dean isn’t the type of person who fights first and thinks later.

“What should we do?” Castiel asks. They both look at the door when the footsteps move past them again. They hear some distant mumbling but they can’t make out any words.

“Dunno, we could sneak out or hide and hope they’ll give up?”

“Hiding seems like the most sensible thing to do considering we have nowhere else to go” Castiel says, “The file room should give us enough space to hide in even if they come in to look.”

“Right. We can always figure out what to do when they’re gone.” Dean crawls back to the door and after listening for a few seconds he eases it open. Castiel follows him into the hallway again and together they crawl towards the file room. When they come to the library area they have to stop because there’s people in there. Dean gestures for him to wait while he takes a look and Castiel does as told. Somehow it seems Dean knows what he’s doing and Castiel doesn’t want to screw that up. He knows what to do if they have to fight, but this sneaking around doesn’t agree with him.

“The hell…?” Dean suddenly mumbles and then he does something that makes Castiel’s heart leap out of his throat. Dean stands right up and starts walking into the room. Castiel isn’t quick enough to grab onto him before he’s gone.

“Dean!” someone exclaims and Castiel recognizes that voice just as Dean exclaims “Sammy!” and he hears two bodies crash together. He stands up too, no longer afraid to be discovered, just in time to see Dean drop the knife carelessly to the floor and throw his arms around his brother.

A few seconds later Castiel hears Anna shout his name and then he has his arms full of his sister. He’s surprised and confused, but it has never felt this good to hug his sister, so he doesn’t say anything other than a broken “Anna” and then he hugs her like he will never have the chance again after this.

Considering their situation, he might not have and that only makes him hug her even harder.

* * *

He can’t believe it. Sam’s really here, somehow and someway, his baby brother found his way to him and Dean couldn’t be happier than he is right now. “God I missed you Sammy” he says, finally letting go, though a bit reluctantly.

“I missed you too” Sam says, clapping Dean’s shoulder, “You scared the crap out of us when you just disappeared like that.”

“Yeah, sorry about that. Dad’s orders.” Dean shrugs in apology and scratches the back of his head.

“I understand” Sam says, “It’s okay. I would have done the same.”

“So you know what’s happening?” Dean asks.

“Yeah Bobby told us everything when he just showed up the next day.” Sam turns his head and yells: “They’re in here!” through-out the bunker and within seconds Bobby comes through the doors with Balthazar right on his heels. Balthazar flies straight to Cas who’s still hugging his sister while they’re whispering to each other and Dean feels a poke of warmth in his heart. It’s nice to see Cas smile again, even if it is sadly.

“Good to see you in one piece boy” Bobby greets with a slap on Dean’s back. Dean gives him a hug because fuck being manly and all that stuff.

“Thanks Bobby” he mumbles to him just before he quickly lets go again so it doesn’t get too uncomfortable, “It’s real good to see you too.” Dean turns to his brother again and punches his shoulder. “And next time you decide to visit two people on the run, make some damned noise or something! Or call before you show up, or hell you call our name when you go in. You scared the crap outta us.”

“Sorry” Sam says sheepishly, “We thought you could figure out we would be the only ones to know how to get down here.”

“Yeah, well we didn’t” Dean huffs.

“Now son, that’s not Sam’s fault, is it?” Dean whips around and can’t believe his eyes when he finds his dad standing a few steps behind them with a big smile on his face and very much free of handcuffs and chains.

“Dad!” Dean flies straight to him and Dad gathers him up in a tight hug. Man it’s been far too long since Dean hasn’t been able to feel or hear chains when he hugged his dad. “But how…?” he asks when they part again. Jess appears from behind and quickly gives Dean a kiss on the cheek before she goes to Sam.

“Right” Bobby says, “We better sit down for this one.” Dad nods and gets a serious expression on his face.

“I think it’s time we tell you what this is all about” he says.

“I would like that very much” Cas says, appearing at Dean’s side with Anna practically glued to his side. Dad stands a little straighter and Dean doesn’t miss the way he looks Cas over before offering his hand to shake. Cas shakes it without hesitation.

“John Winchester” Dad introduces himself, “I’m Dean’s father.”

“I know sir” Cas says, “Castiel Milton.”

“It’s good to finally meet you son” Dad says.

“You too sir.”

“Okay enough with the introductions” Bobby interrupts with an impatient huff, “We got shit to do.”

* * *

Dean quickly digs out a few bottles of beer and soda that has been hiding in the back of a cabinet in the kitchen and pulls the now very burned spaghetti from the stove to dump it in the sink before joining the others in the library again. Luckily Jess is an angel and had made sure they took a few pizzas with them before coming down here. She says that she knew they probably would appreciate some easy food while Dean and Cas gets caught up with what’s happening. Everybody else knows what’s going on apparently and that kinda makes Dean’s stomach feel weird. He doesn’t know why but it does.

So once everybody have something to drink and a slice of pizza, Dad starts explaining.

“I’ve never killed anybody” he begins with, making Dean freeze in the middle of taking a bite of his slice. His dad shrugs like he’s saying “yeah I know it’s hard to believe” and take a long drink of his beer. “I had every intention of offing that bastard Azazel, but someone got to him first. I found him in his apartment, neck snapped in two.”

Dean’s mouth is still open. “But you… you went to jail… you said you did it.”

“I know I did.”

“But _why?_ ” Dean asks, “Why would you do that if you didn’t kill him?”

“Use your head boy” Bobby interjects, “Jail is the safest place on Earth to be. Too many eyes watching all the time.”

“That doesn’t answer why” Dean says. Bobby rolls his eyes at him.

“Azazel didn’t kill your mother for the reason you have been told. He was a hitman working for the Lordels” Dad says, “They paid him to kill her because they were pissed at me.”

“Why where they pissed at you?”

“Because he had been helping me rescuing their subjects” Bobby answers. He shrugs when Dean looks at him.

“Bobby has been working on taking down the Lordels for many years Dean, ever since they killed his wife Karen” Dad continues, “I quit my job to go help him after you were born. Mary supported me in it.” Dad looks between Dean and Cas like he’s looking for something. “Pastor Jim told you about the day you were born, right?” Dean nods slowly, throwing a look at Cas who’s strangely quiet. He’s holding Anna’s hand. They’re both looking into the table, leaning against each other. Dean wonders what’s going through their heads right now.

“Yeah he told us. Something about Cas’ parents showing up a few hours after I was born” Dean answers. He looks back at his dad with hard eyes. “What the hell’s that about anyway? Why didn’t you tell me you knew who my Soulmate was?” Dean knows the answer, but he wants to hear Dad’s answer it anyway.

“We were protecting you” he says, just like Dean thought, “Both of you. You were far too young to understand what the kind of Bond you would have would mean, what the consequences of it would be.”

“Not your call to make” Dean says.

“I’m your father! I had ever right to make that call” Dad says.

“I agree with Dean” Cas speaks up, “Even if we couldn’t understand at such a young age, telling us would have prevented us from living in despair for so long. Your decision was unnecessarily cruel.” Dad glares at Cas with a gaze that would have Dean whimpering like a beaten dog, but Cas seems unaffected by it. He’s staring right back with the same kind of intensity in his gaze.

“Done is done” Bobby speaks up again, “Can’t fix anything by fighting about it now. John, get on with it will ya?” Bobby gets a glare too, but not nearly as deadly as the one Cas got. Bobby ignores it completely in favor of getting another beer.

“Anyway” Dad says, looking back at Dean, “After the things the Miltons told us, we decided that we just couldn’t ignore what was happening. Bobby told us more once they disappeared again and I joined his team, thinking that if I could help bring the Lordels down before you got old enough to start feeling the pull of Castiel’s soul, then you and Castiel could meet without fearing the Lordels. Fast forward about twenty years and long story short, I messed up a mission and they caught me on tape busting some of their prisoners out. They tracked me down, send Azazel to punish me because killing me wasn’t punishment enough apparently. They took Mary from me, thinking that would be enough to make me back off.”

“Doesn’t explain how the hell you can be out right now” Dean says.

“I’m getting to it!” Dad snaps. He shakes his head and takes a sip of his bottle. “Impatient like always” he mumbles before sighing. “When I found Azazel dead I panicked and called Bobby. He came and helped me figure out what I should do. We knew that the Lordels would never leave me alone and if they looked into who they could kill to punish me further, then they would look to you two.” Dad nods to Dean and Sam. “That in itself was enough to get my blood to freeze but the risk of them just straight out kidnapping you for their sick experiments and figuring out what you were Dean…” Dad takes a deep breath. “I had to do something to get them to forget about me. Something that would make them satisfied with the level of punishment I had received so they wouldn’t care about you two. So Bobby here came up with a brilliant idea. Get put on death row. Top level security and a lot of years just rotting in a cell before being executed. You two were old enough to take care of yourselves, so I agreed. Bobby wiped the security cams after taking a copy and I called the cops after drinking myself beyond pissed. I told them I had woken up in Azazel’s apartment with him dead next to me and that I couldn’t remember killing him. They took it as solid evidence that I had and I didn’t correct them. It was a little too easy to get put on death row. Didn’t even have to lie in court.”

“Damn…” Dean whispers. He rubs a hand over his mouth. This is so fucked up. “How’d you get out then?”

“Bobby again. He got Frank to send a copy of the security tape that clearly showed a woman killing Azazel. Frank somehow got me in it too, showing me wobble in there and falling over something before getting knocked out. Took some time but I’m cleared of all charges and is a free man in the eyes of America.” Dean’s staring at Bobby now. Who is that man? Dean thought he knew him but apparently not.

“Who was the woman?” Cas asks. That’s a damn good question actually. Why would some random woman just off Azazel? Not because Dean’s unhappy that she did. He would personally send her a fruit basket or something as a thank you, but it’s just weird it happened right after his mom’s murder. And Dean doesn’t believe in coincidences.

“It was your mother Castiel” Bobby answers, shocking them again, “She took revenge for Mary.”

“This just keeps getting more and more fucked up” Dean declares.

“Agreed” Cas chimes in. They all sit in silence for a long time, each caught up in their own thoughts. Dean’s having trouble connecting all the dots, understanding all the information.

First of all there’s the Lordels. He can’t figure out why the hell they are the way they are. There must be some alternative motive other that “power” that drives them. An entire family doesn’t come out equally bad. It just doesn’t. He understands that they’re bad news and he wants nothing more than to stay as far away from them as he can, but there’s something wrong. People aren’t evil just to be evil.

Maybe it’s just him trying to look for an easy solution that isn’t there. It’s just so hard to understand how he somehow got caught up in all this. That “all this” apparently have had him trapped since birth and he never knew. He thought he had been running for just a few weeks, but as it turns out, he might have been running and hiding his entire life without even knowing it.

It’s hard not to get mad at his dad for keeping all this a secret. Somehow Dean thinks they could have found a better way if Dean and Cas had just known. Dean could have been prepared for when they met for the first time so he didn’t act like a selfish bastard and left Cas seconds after their Bonding, he could have gotten to know Cas before they even Bonded and Cas hadn’t been alone for all this time. Dean’s mom and Cas’ parents might have still been alive.

Or everything could have been much worse and all of them could have been dead or worse.

It’s just not fair. Dean can’t help but feel like he has been controlled his entire life, that he’s still being controlled and he hates it. He is angry. So damned angry. No one should have the power to control his life other than himself and here he is, having thought that it’s only Fate controlling him and then he finds out it’s everyone he ever cared about that did it.

“Do you know anything about my brother?” Cas asks suddenly. Dean, and everyone else, turns to look at him, but he’s looking at Bobby. Bobby shares a look with Dad before he nods and digs into a bag standing on the floor. He pulls a file up with a red _classified_ printed over the cover and throws it to Cas.

Dean leans over when Cas slowly opens it, Anna hanging over his shoulder. The first thing Dean sees is a picture, a picture of someone he knows all too well.

“ _Gabriel?_ ” he exclaims, “You have _got_ to be kidding me!” He’s looking at Bobby again, “You knew that sonofabitch was Cas’ brother?”

“You know him?” Cas asks surprised.

“Yeah, he’s the owner of the shop I work at” Dean answers.

“I’ve been keeping an eye on him ever since Charles and Beatrice left him at his grandma” Bobby says and shrugs (he does that a lot Dean notices), “Ol’ habits. First it was just to make sure nobody got wind of who he was and then it just became something I regularly checked, especially when you started working there.”

“Jesus, _the lies_ ” Dean breathes, sitting back in his chair, “You were the one who send me there remember? You found that job for me.” Bobby shrugs again and Dean almost wants to slap him, but he doesn’t. Mostly because he feels drained, both emotionally and physically. How is anyone supposed to deal with all this without losing their mind?

Cas touches Dean’s hand softly, probably just to offer some sort of comfort, but Dean can’t take it. He rips his hand away and stands to cover it up, but the second he’s standing he finds out that he has been to restless to sit all this time. He starts pacing, rubbing his hands over his head to collect his thoughts. It’s all too much too soon. Who the hell can he trust now?

A thought crashes into him and he turns towards Sam and Jess. “Did you know?” Dean asks them, gesturing to Dad and Bobby, “About all this before it happened?” Sam sends Dad a venomous glare and Dean knows the answer before Sam has even opened his mouth.

“No we didn’t” Sam says and that’s it. Good, at least there’s one person in Dean’s life that isn’t a lying sonofabitch.

“We know you’re probably a little mad at us for not telling you” Dad says and Dean snorts.

“Understatement” Cas says, like he’s taking the words straight from Dean’s thoughts.

“But” Dad continues, only sending a quick look to Cas before his eyes are on Dean again, “We need to work together to fix this so we can get it over with. We need to put the Lordels out of business so you two can be safe.”

“I agree with you that the Lordels needs to be handled” Cas says, “But as to the question about Dean’s and mines safety, I am not overly positive about the future in that regard. If the Lordels are gone, who is to say that there isn’t another company or another family ready to take over their power?”

“If there are we will deal with them too” Dad says, “But the most important thing right now is to make sure the Lordels doesn’t get you.”

“No I’m with Cas on this” Dean says, “I can’t keep doing this. I want my life back, shitty as it might be. I know people will probably never stop bugging us, but we have to do something to make sure nobody can get that kind of power again.”

“What, by going into politics?” Bobby asks, “We can’t change the world son, we can only change this one little thing.”

“Then what is all this then?” Dean asks and gesture to the bunker around him, “This doesn’t seem like something that’s just made to protect me and Cas.”

“It our headquarters” Bobby answers.

“For what?” Dean asks and his eyes runs over the Latin words hanging over the doorway into the giant telescope right next to the tables they are sitting at. Bobby sees him look and his face gets harder.

“I know where you are going boy” he grumbles.

“Then you know what I’m about to say now too.” Dean rests his hands on the edge of the table and stares Bobby down. He has a feeling that Bobby’s the head of this whole operation and it’s him he need to convince to get anywhere. “Cas, what did it mean again?” Dean asks.

“Hunters of Evil, Men of Letters, Protectors of Freedom. The Light shall bring you victory” Cas answers immediately.

“Protectors of Freedom” Dean repeats, “That’s not just our protection. That’s everybody’s. Cas and me are never going to be safe if we continue to let people do these kinds of things. And I’m not saying we should go into politics and start arguing with rich assholes over who has the biggest dick. I want to change the world not argue about changing it.”

“That’s all fine but how’re you gonna do that?” Dad asks, “Don’t you think we’re tried everything? People don’t listen unless there are solid proof and we don’t got any.”

“That’s true Dean” Cas says, “I have been looking through the file room and have yet to find anything in those files that can help us.” Cas gets am impressed look from Bobby but he doesn’t see it.

“We don’t need solid proof. We just need to make people believe enough that they’ll fight with us. If enough people wants change then the politicians are gonna have to change things no matter what.”

“Should I just keep repeating myself until you get to the point?” Bobby asks with a raised eyebrow. Dean rolls his eyes at him.

“Come one, we got something you never had before” Dean says, “Something that will make people listen no matter what we say.” Dean finds Cas’ eyes and he sees the lightbulb over his head go off the second their eyes meet.

“Oh” Cas breathes silently.

“There it is” Dean cheers.

“What Dean?” Sam asks. Dean sends him a grin.

“We got me and Cas! With these stupid Marks on us everyone will listen to what we say. We just have to say it.”

“I think that’s the first time this idiot have said anything I agree with” Balthazar speaks up. Him and Anna exchanges a glance and she nods to him before turning to Cas again.

“It might work” she tells him, then she smiles. She runs a hand through Cas’ hair and Dean has to remind himself that they’re siblings before he starts growling at her. “I have always been convinced that you would do great things someday” she tells him. Dean kinda hates the smile she brings to Cas’ face. They’ve been together again for a few hours only and she’s already making him smile more than Dean has managed to do in the few weeks they’ve been alone. It hurts more than it should and Dean doesn’t know why.

“Bobby, do you think we can pull it off?” It takes a few silent moments where Bobby is just searching Dean’s face before he answers with a resigned exhale. He waves a hand in surrender.

“I’ll put it in the plan somehow” Bobby says.

“I think we can figure something out that will work, right?” Jess says to both him and Sam when Dean looks at them.

“Right” Sam agrees.

“Dad?” Dean asks, now suddenly feeling worried. His dad has been strangely quiet.

“I think that you can do whatever you want” Dad says, “Just like your mother could.” And that’s the best answer Dean could have possibly gotten.

* * *

To say that Castiel is less confused now than he was just two days ago would be lying. He understands even less of what has been happening around him and he is sure that Dean feels the same way, though he doesn’t show it like Castiel does. Dean shows it by working on problems that he can solve, problems as bringing the Lordels down, whereas Castiel mostly just runs in the way of people working.

A lot has been happening in the bunker since the arrival of their families. Bobby and John has been working on their part of the plan, connecting with the many victims of the Lordels to see how many is willing to stand forth and tell their story to the public. So far they have collected around thirty videos with the victims telling their story.

Sam and Jess has been working together on the legal side of the puzzle, trying to find the right way to go through the laws to make sure the Lordels loses all their power and wealth so there isn’t the risk of another branch of their company taking over after the head has been severed from the beast. Castiel is impressed with Sam’s talent, his ability to look at the law and see solutions and not just boundaries. To Castiel the law just looks like a lot of chains and restrictions, but to Sam they are all doors that can be opened with the right key.

Anna and Balthazar has been working on the social side of things, trying to connect to as many social medias and such to make sure that their message reaches the most people possible. Castiel doesn’t necessarily understand it all, but they are saying they are making progress so that is good.

Dean has been all over the place, having his fingers stuck in most of the projects going on, while working on the part of the plan that he is sure will get the people of the world to work with them to change everything. Castiel is a little comprehensive about this particular side of the plan, because he isn’t sure that the world can change as easily as Dean thinks it can, but he has to admit that Dean is right. If they are the faces outwards, then people will listen more than if they had just been another Soulmate pair in the masses. Dean wants to use their Bond as a weapon and it hurts a little, but Castiel understands why. He sees the logic in it.

As for Castiel himself, he has been thinking a lot about his brother. He has tried to ask Dean about him, but with everything else that has been going on, Dean hasn’t had the time to tell him much. He knows that his brother’s name is Gabriel Novak and that he owns the coffee shop called “The Trickster” where Dean works. He knows that he’s thirty eight years old and has found his Soulmate, but that is about what Castiel knows and he wants more. He wants so much more.

“Hey Cas!” Castiel pulls himself out of his thoughts as Dean pokes his head through the open doorway into Castiel’s room. “We’re ready so get your butt in here.” Castiel sighs to himself. Dean got the idea that they should record a video themselves that will be put in the start of the long video that will be the way to communicate their cause to the public.

“Alright, I’ll be there shortly” Castiel answers and Dean winks at him before he’s gone again. With another sigh Castiel stands from his bed and stretches. He is not sure how to feel about making this video. He knows it is the safest way for them to tell their story, but he dislikes being in the spotlight like that. To be honest, he is afraid that he won’t be able to do what Dean wants him to. He doesn’t want to disappoint him, but he knows himself well enough to know that he isn’t the best at making new friends and that’s how Dean described his idea to him. “It’s just like making new friends. It’s all about making people like you.” Which is easy enough for Dean. He has that sort of charisma. Castiel doesn’t.

He walks to Dean’s room where he and Sam have been setting up a camera for them. He finds them standing next to it, discussing something in a murmur. When Dean sees him he wrinkles his nose. “Dude, you could at least have worn a clean shirt or something” he says. Castiel looks down himself. He is wearing the same white button-down he was wearing yesterday too. He couldn’t see the point in wasting clean clothes when he’s just going to be wandering around the same halls as the last few weeks anyway.

“Is this not sufficient?” he asks. Both Dean and Sam snorts, but Sam is the one to step forward with an empathetic expression on his face.

“It’s not because we care, but you need to make a good impression on the people who is going to see this and…” Sam looks at his shirt again and bites his lip.

“What?”

“You look like a fucking hobo, that’s what” Dean answers, “The beard isn’t helping either.” Castiel scratches his three days old beard. Okay, maybe he could have shaved this morning, but he didn’t see the point for the same reason as before.

“Do you want me to change and shave?” he asks.

“That would be nice, yes. Thank you” Sam is quick to say. He sends Dean a glare for some reason and Dean rolls his eyes at him.

“Okay.” Castiel turns to leave.

“Hey wear that blue shirt of yours” Dean calls after him. He stops and when he looks back at Dean, Dean just shrugs. “It’s nice” he says, “Brings out your eyes.” Castiel just nods and goes.

He decided to shower too just because and half an hour later he’s back in Dean’s room, changed and shaved. Dean doesn’t say anything so Castiel guesses that he looks alright. He sits on the chair Sam points out to him and watches as Sam tries to make Dean wear some kind of special shirt.

“Cut it out Sammy, I ain’t wearing that shit” Dean tells him and throws the offending piece of cloth over to the other side of the room. Sam sighs frustrated and goes to pick it up.

“It’s either this or no shirt at all and that wouldn’t make the right kind of impression” Sam says.

“Why can’t I just keep this shirt on?” Dean asks.

“They need to be able to see your Mark” Sam answers.

“They can see Cas’” Dean argues back, “And they know who I am, I don’t need to prove it.”

“It’s not about proof, it’s about creating trust-worthiness. Using your Bond was your idea so suck it up and put on the damned shirt.” Dean rips the shirt out of his brother’s hand and drags the one he’s wearing over his head. Castiel looks away quickly, feeling his cheeks heat up for no reason. When Dean dumps down on the chair next to Castiel he is wearing a sleeveless shirt that shows of the handprint shaped Mark on his shoulder.

Castiel is a little fascinated. He has never seen Dean’s Mark before, only felt it that once. So he stares a little and he doesn’t even try to hide it.

“What?” Dean barks at him. Castiel jumps a little over the harsh tone and rips his eyes from the Mark.

“Nothing” he says quickly, “I have just never seen it before.” He nods to the Mark.

“What’re you talking about?” Dean asks, “It’s right there on your hand.” Castiel looks down at his own Mark, but it doesn’t feel as exciting to look at it as it does to look at Dean’s.

“Can we get this over with?” Dean asks Sam who’s still doing something with the camera pointing towards them. Castiel feels a lump forming in his throat when he looks into the black lens.

“Yeah yeah shut up, I’m working on it” Sam responds. He clicks something and a red light flashes to life on the camera. Castiel guesses that means they are recording.

“There. Just say what you gotta say and I’ll come in to turn it off when you’re done.” Dean nods and waves Sam away. Sam goes after giving Cas a last smile and a thumb up.

When the door closes after him Castiel feels like he’s about to rattle straight of the chair he is sitting on with how much he is shaking.

“Ready for this?” Dean asks, “Remember what to say?” Yes Castiel remembers what he is supposed to say. He spend last night reading through the manuscript he himself have written, but he doesn’t feel ready. Not at all.

“I’m not sure I can do this Dean” he admits, “I feel very nervous.”

“It’s okay, just say what you gotta say and make sure to look into the camera” Dean says. That won’t be a problem. Castiel can’t seem to look _away_ from the camera. “Hey, take a deep breath man. It’s just you and me here” Dean says. He has apparently figured out that Castiel is more than just nervous.

Dean takes his hand and squeezes it hard. That helps. Castiel deflates almost instantly, feeling calmer by the second. He can do this, Dean is right. It’s just the two of them here and Castiel is sure he can do anything as long as Dean is next to him.

He manages to rip his eyes away from the camera to look at Dean, who’s eyes are already on him. He gets a smile and another squeeze before Dean clears his throat and looks at the camera.

“Hello, my name is Dean Winchester” he says.

“And I’m Castiel Milton” Castiel says steadily, automatically looking into the camera too.

“You probably know us better as the newly Bonded Lunang Soulmates you have been seeing on your TV the last few weeks” Dean says. He throws a quick glance to Castiel followed to another squeeze to his hand before he continues talking. Castiel is happy that he wrote most of the lines to Dean all of a sudden because his heart is starting to beat out of control for a completely different reason than before.

“And we’re here today to tell you our story…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Tumblr: http://beautiful-hellfire.tumblr.com/


	7. Fate Brought Us Together, Fate Tore Us Apart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing goes as it is supposed to and mistakes are made. That equals pain. A lot of pain.

Dean has no fucking idea how things could go from discussing when to put the long, long, _long_ video online, to him and Cas yelling and snapping at each other’s throats in under a second, but it did.

One second they were sitting alone in the library, drinking coffee and just talking and Dean is asking him for his opinion and in the next Cas is snapping at him, asking “why he even bothers to ask him since he will just do what he thinks is best either way”. And Dean being Dean can’t answer with anything but an “Excuse me?”

“You heard me perfectly fine” Cas answers.

“Yeah I did, I just wanted to make sure” he says.

“Well you are sure now.”

“Am I missing something here?” Dean asks, “What the hell did I do to piss you off?” Cas is practically growling now.

“What did you do?” he repeats, “You constantly undermine everything I do, Dean!”

“Like what?”

“Like trying to get to know you!” Cas says, “Trying to get this Bond between us to form correctly, trying to be your Soulmate. Trying to learn something about my brother, trying to help with this war we are fighting. Everything!”

“I’m not trying to sabotage anything” Dean says.

“No you are just pulling away every time I try to get close to you” Cas says.

“Yeah, so what?”

“So what? It hurts me every time you do it. It feels like you are ignoring me on purpose and I’m tired of it. I want to know why” Cas says.

“Why not just ask then?”

“I _am_ asking” Cas snaps. Dean pulls himself away a little to keep himself calm. Don’t get angry, don’t get angry, _don’t get angry._

“I just don’t like you that way man” he says.

“Like what?”

“Like a boyfriend or whatever” Dean answers, “I’m not into dudes.” His heart clenches a little but he ignores it. Fuck what this stupid Mark is trying to make him feel. Dean hasn’t been into dudes before, so he isn’t lying. He isn’t.

“And you think that’s what I’m trying to do? You think I am trying to be your boyfriend?” Cas asks.

“Hey, it’s you who gets all touchy feely all the time, not me” Dean says.

“I’m just trying to connect with you!” Cas says, “I’m trying to be your Soulmate.”

“Well I’m telling you not to” Dean says harshly, “I don’t want it.” Cas’ eyes narrow dangerously and Dean feels a little poke of fear in this heart. Oh shit, here it comes. Dean stands up quickly to get away, but Cas follows him instantly.

”You’re telling me to be something that I’m not” Cas says and steps into Dean’s personal space. “And I can’t do that. I’m not just another acquaintance, Dean. I’m not just another person you need to look after, I’m not just another burden on your shoulders. I’m your _Soulmate_ , whether you like it or not. That means sharing and caring about each other, supporting each other in ways that nobody else can.”

“Am I saying I don’t want that?” Dean bites him off.

“No you’re saying that you don’t want to do the part of the job that requires actually having feelings towards one another!” Cas snaps.

“I don’t see why I have to! Feelings only complicates things.”

“For you! You are the only one with the problem here Dean! You are the only one complicating things!”

“Oh right, of course, because everything that happens in this god damn world is my fault!” Dean shouts.

“In our world, yes!” Cas shouts back. They’re standing right in each other’s faces now and haven’t even realized that they have an audience, which is both of their families that have been attracted by their yelling. “YOU were the one who left me, remember?! I didn’t even have a chance to say anything before you called me a freak and left me. _You_ left _me,_ not the other way around!”

“I came back!”

“And why was that?” Cas challenges him, “Because you felt guilty? Because the Rejection Sickness was so bad you could hardly stand it yourself right? You didn’t come back for me, don’t try to tell me you did. You came back to make things right so _you_ didn’t have to live with the guilt. And all of that only happened because you have a problem with me being male.” Cas steps back a step and takes a deep breath as if to calm himself a little. When he speaks again, his voice is much more controlled, but it’s also ice cold and distanced.

“I have no problem with you being a man. I have been prepared for everything since the day I received my Mark. I’ve been waiting for you for so long, looking forward to the day I would meet you. I’ve fought my way through life with that single dream in my heart, that one day I would get to meet you and finally feel at peace. I’ve been ready to be whatever you wanted me to be, but I can’t sit back and pretend we aren’t Soulmates just because you fear breaking that fragile wall that you keep hiding all the things about yourself that you can’t face. Because we _are_ Soulmates, Dean! That means being more than just friends, it means being more than just simple partners. It’s okay if you can’t see me as a romantic interest, I am perfectly fine with that, but that’s no reason to reject me every time I come to seek comfort from you. I can’t stop myself from doing that! My soul forces me to do so, because you’re the only person in this universe that can give me that comfort.”

“Are you done?” Dean asks. Cas breathes heavily a few times while glaring at him.

“Yes.” Dean straightens and rolls his shoulders.

“Good” he says, stepping forward into Cas’ space again, “Then have you ever stopped to think that maybe I don’t like all this Soulmate stuff because I never _wanted_ one? That I hate the very concept of Soulmates, of _you,_ and the mere thought of actually giving in to this foreign power that tries to control us makes me _sick_. No, of course not, of course it’s because I’m homophobic and can’t see past my own damn discomfort. Actually, and so what if I had been? You still want to force me to do something that I’m uncomfortable with just so _you_ can feel okay?” Dean looks him up and down and snorts. “Well, thanks a lot _Soulmate._ It’s nice to know that you can _really_ understand me.”

Damn. He’s angry. He told himself not to get angry and he did. Shit fuck and what the hell? Why are he saying this shit when he doesn’t mean it? God he can’t even look at that devastated look on Cas’ face. He looks like Dean just ripped his heart out of his chest. Great, now he has ruined everything. Good job Winchester.

He needs to get out of here. He needs some fresh air to cool off in. It’s because he have been trapped in here for too long.

“Fuck it” he mumbles before he storms towards the entrance.

“Dean!” Sam and Dad is calling after him at the same time. Dean sees Anna and Balthazar rush to Cas’ side and feels his heart clench by the way Cas just crumbles against Anna’s body the second she touches him.

“Chill, I’m just taking five to go cool off” he tells them over his shoulder, “I need fresh air. I hate being stuck in this stupid fish tank.” They don’t try to stop him after that and even if they had Dean wouldn’t have stopped. He needs air and once that craving is stuck in him he can’t breathe right before he’s outside, he knows it.

He slams the entrance door behind him and practically runs through the tunnels outside the bunker until he reaches the manhole cover. It takes too long for it to open and once it does he’s through it in record time. It slams closed behind him and he drags a huge mouthful of air in and loves each tiny dry air particle that rushes into his lungs. Man he needed this.

He starts walking, just following an small invisible circle around the manhole cover to walk off his anger.

What the hell was all that about? He doesn’t even know where to fucking begin with this shit. No matter what Cas says, he hasn’t been trying to deny him comfort. Haven’t Dean been there every time he felt Cas needed him? Like when they left that church after talking to Pastor Jim and just yesterday before they recorded their video? He comforted him there. So what’s all this bullshit about?

The more important question is probably why the hell Dean decided to lie like that to Cas. Yeah, Dean doesn’t like feeling controlled, least of all by their stupid Bond, but it’s not right that he hates the concept of Soulmates, of Cas. Or well, yeah he does, but not like that. He is genuinely happy that he has found Cas and that he turned out to be such a great guy. Yeah he’s a little nerdy and a little shy and a lot of a dork, but he’s kind and smart and all that jazz too. Dean could have had a lot worse and no matter what Cas believes, Dean doesn’t have a problem with him being a guy anymore. Sure, he’s still sad that he can’t have the family he dreamed off, but there’s always time to work on that once him and Cas has figured things out.

Besides, Dad really made Dean think the day after Cas and him met. All that with being open to the possibility of something else happening between them, even though Dean hasn’t felt attracted towards a man before. Maybe he could think differently when it’s Cas. He won’t know it before he has tried it.

But Dean can see things from Cas’ point of view too. He has been pulling away every time Cas has tried to touch him and stuff. Old habits or whatever. Maybe it’s just because Dean feels so uncomfortable with all this still. Can you blame him? He had accepted he would live his life alone and then everything is turned upside down in a split-second. It’s a lot to take in and especially when you’re running for your life too.

All he needs is time to figure stuff out, can’t Cas understand that? So what if Cas has been ready for it? That just means he have been prepared. Dean hasn’t been. He needs… fuck he just needs time okay? He needs this stuff with the Lordels out of the world, he needs to be back in his life before he can start changing it, changing himself. Cas needs to understand that. It’s not because Dean doesn’t want to be his Soulmate. He just doesn’t know _how_ to do it and he needs time to learn. He has just been focusing on getting them home before dealing with all the other stuff. That’s not hiding behind some imaginary wall. That’s fixing important stuff first. Safety first, then learning.

Yeah. That’s what he should have told Cas. But stupid idiot as he is, he got angry first and said things he didn’t mean. God Dean is so stupid.

He stops walking and turns around. He needs to get back and apologize before Cas decided he doesn’t want him anymore. Fuck, this is the second time Dean has left him because he’s angry. When is he going to learn to take a step back and just listen instead of being a jerk? Sam is going to kill him.

He starts running back, mind swirling with all the things he’s going to say to Cas. He is planning inside his head, not noticing the surroundings and that’s why he doesn’t see the man stepping out from behind a tree to the right of him. Something hits his neck with a stab of pain and he stops running so he can rub the spot where the pain is coming from. He finds a small cylinder that’s stuck in there and he barely gets to pull it out and think “tranquilizer dart” before his vision is swimming and he’s falling.

He sees a black clothed man walk over to him and he thinks “I fucked up” before the man smashes the butt of his tranquilizer gun into Dean’s face and the world turns to black around him.

* * *

 

_Sometime later…_

Stupid, so fucking stupid.

Of all the fucked up things he could have done, that was probably the stupidest. Note so self; when hiding from a firm that very much wants to dissect you just to figure out what makes you tick, do _not_ storm out of your safe-house in a rage because you can’t handle your own feelings. It is going to get you in trouble.

Man his head hurts.

Waking up is far from Dean’s best moment of the week. He’s cold and feels naked in these strange white scrubs he’s wearing. The floor he’s lying on is slick and covered in what he hopes is just water. There’s a bump on his neck when he lift a few fingers to the place the tranq dart hit him. So all in all, he’s doing great.

He slowly pulls himself up, feeling his body protest. It hurts like he has been lying in the same position for a long time. Well, he probably has been.

He sits back on his butt, leaning against a wall so he can look at the place he’s in. It’s small, four square walls with no windows, a small vent cover right next to him and only one massive metal door. There’s nothing in here, not even a bed or a toilet, even though it looks a lot like a prison cell. There’s not even a goddamn lamp in here. He can barely see anything from the light coming from underneath the door. There’s water everywhere and nope, he’s not going to find out what that ill smelling stuff in the far right corner is. He’s pretty sure he doesn’t want to know.

So yeah. It’s not hard to figure out who took him down. Probably some douche who works for the Lordels, which probably means he’s in Douche Central right now. Is he already back in the States or is this somewhere else? He wishes there was a window in here so he at least could get some idea. It makes it a lot harder to escape if you don’t know where you are.

His thoughts are interrupted by the metal door opening with loud metal whines. An small army of guys comes rushing in and Dean’s brain switches into fight mode instantly. When two of them tries to grab him he punches them straight in the face and gets ready to fight the guys behind him, but he’s stopped by huge arms wrapping around his upper body. Soon all four of them is dragging him out the door while he’s screaming and kicking at anything within his reach.

They drag him through a lot of white hallways and into a room he can only describe as an operating room. They force him into a sort of dentist chair and starts tying him up. It only takes a minute before he can barely move his head and then the guys step back, revealing an creepy looking dude sitting at a table a few yards away.

“Good morning Mr. Winchester” the dude says. Dean struggles against the straps restraining him while giving the dude the best deadly glare he can perform.

“Go fuck yourself” he tells him, “Let me go.”

“Ah, I’m afraid I can’t do that Dean” the dude says. It’s not like Dean thought he would, but it was worth a try.

“What do you want?” The dude stands up and walks over to Dean’s side. He bends down a little, like he’s taking a closer look at Dean and Dean doesn’t like it. He leans as far away as he can, which isn’t far, but it’s better than nothing.

“My name is Alistair” he says, “I’m the head scientist in this department and I just want to talk to you.”

“And you couldn’t do that without the straps?” Dean asks, ripping at the straps again just to make a point. Man this Alistair is creepy. His face is literally just a skull with skin on. Dean is half surprised that the dude’s eyes haven’t fallen out of their sockets yet. And don’t even get him started on his _voice_. It’s like the slow purr of a cat mixed with all the bad touches in the world. It’s sickening.

“I’m afraid not” Alistair says in a tone of voice that sounds more like he’s having fun than feeling sorry. Dean hates him already. “I can’t risk having you run out on me, now can I? Not after all that time I have spent looking for you.” He laughs like he just said something funny and then it’s like he remembers himself and he just suddenly stops, though he does still smile at Dean.

“So tell me Dean” Alistair says, “Where’s your significant other? He wasn’t with you when our associate found you.”

“Like I’m gonna tell you that” Dean says. Alistair laughs again.

“I didn’t think you would. Not just yet. But maybe later.” What the hell is that supposed to mean? Alistair walks behind him and Dean tries to strain his neck to see what he’s doing but he can’t see a damned thing. The chair he’s sitting in is blocking everything behind him.

“Do you like my office?” Alistair asks, “I decorated it myself.”

“Nice, congratulations.” Shut up Dean, don’t make him pissed at you.

Alistair just laughs. “I _like_ you” he says as he appears right next to Dean pulling a rolling table full of medical instruments after him, “You’re feisty. I appreciate that.” Alistair shakes his body with a delightful smile and picks up a huge needle from the table. Dean eyes it with worry in his heart. He isn’t going to stick that anywhere sensitive, is he?

“You think showing me all your scary toys will make me spill my guts?” Dean asks him. Alistair just laughs again.

“Oh you’ll spill your guts, one way or another” he answers slowly and then he's pointing the needle at Dean, “But I like that you are smart.” He lets the last word pop on his tongue before laughing again, “You’re a loyal one, aren’t you? Wouldn’t dream of betraying the people you love, wouldn’t dream of hurting _anybody._ ” He’s mocking him, Dean knows that. It’s just mind tricks. He just have to ignore him and show him that he ain’t afraid of him.

Alistair jabs the needle into Dean’s neck with a quick flick of his wrist and leans in real close to his face, sniffing at his cheek in a way that makes Dean’s stomach turn. Dean starts feeling foggy immediately and he suddenly can’t figure out if it’s because of the drugs or Alistair’s closeness that he wants to throw up now.

Alistair grins against his cheek before he says, “Let’s see if we can do something about that loyalty, shall we?”

* * *

Castiel wakes up with a yelp when he feels a painful stab in his neck. His hand finds the spot and starts rubbing it as he sits up, confused and disoriented. What’s happening? The pressure in his neck vanishes quickly again but he still feels a strange buzz underneath his skin after it’s gone.

What time is it? He reaches over to turn the old alarm clock towards him and finds out it’s on six AM in the morning. Why did he wake up this early? How long have he even been asleep? Why can’t be remember when he fell asleep?

Oh right. He fainted for some reason shortly after Dean ran out on him again. How much time has passed since then? Castiel stumbles to his feet and walks out of his room, not caring to put on a robe or anything. He finds the bunker empty, not surprisingly so. The others are probably sleeping. He goes to the computer still open on the table. When he sits down before it he can see Anna have let it stay open all night, uploading the video they made earlier.

So it’s already out. Castiel isn’t sure how to feel about that.

Anyway, he is here to find out what day it is. He’s shocked to find out it’s already the day after tomorrow. He has been sleeping for over a day. That’s strange. Why haven’t anybody woken him up yet?

Castiel clicks through the many tabs open in the browser to see how the world is responding to the video while he absently rubs at his neck. There’s already millions who have seen the video, on multiple sites. Some are outraged, as expected, but he is surprised to find even more who means that they are lying to them. Castiel can’t understand why they would think they’re lying. Haven’t they watched all the witness accounts that comes after Castiel’s and Dean’s video?

The entrance door suddenly opens and Castiel looks up to find Anna and Sam rushing through it. “Cas!” Anna exclaims when she sees Castiel sitting in the library and she runs to his side. Castiel grabs onto her when she stumbles to a stop and stands panting for air.

“What is it Anna?” he asks.

“It’s Dean” she pants, “He’s… gone.” The blood in his veins freezes to ice. “We think… they got him.” She bends her head to breathe and Castiel rubs her back mindlessly, trying to get his brain to connect correctly so he can understand what she’s trying to tell him.

Dean is… gone? But… he just went for a walk. “How?” he asks.

“We went looking for him when you collapsed” Sam explains. He’s breathing a little heavy too. What have they been doing? “We found a tranquillizer dart on the ground a few yards from here” Sam says, “No Dean. We’ve been out looking for him but we can’t find him or any trace of him.”

Castiel doesn’t know what to say. Or maybe he does… “Why didn’t you wake me up?” he asks through the lump that has started to form in his throat.

“We couldn’t” Sam answers, “You were just gone.” That’s even stranger than the stab of pain that woke him up…

“Wait…” Castiel says, “I woke up feeling a weird stab of pain in my neck.” Anna turns his head the second he’s point to the spot and she sucks in a breath quickly. Sam leans closer to look at it too and his eyes gets rounder in shock.

“Looks like a puncture wound from a needle or something” he says. He shrugs and blushes when both Castiel and Anna lifts their eyebrows at him. How does he know what a needles puncture wound looks like?

“I watch a lot of crime shows on TV okay?” Sam defends himself.

“How did I get it?” Castiel asks, “I don’t remember seeing anyone in my room when I woke up.” All of them think for a while, trying to come up with an answer.

“It’s from Dean.” Pastor Jim appears from the hallway leading down to the kitchen. He has a cup of coffee in hand and is dressed in casual clothes. Castiel stands to greet him and is surprised to see Ellen Harvelle and her daughter show up behind the Pastor.

“Father” Castiel says, nodding softly to Pastor Jim before he turns his attention to Ellen, “Mrs. and miss Harvelle.”

“Hello _Emmanuel_ ” Ellen says. Castiel chooses to ignore her in favor of turning his gaze to the Father again.

“What do you mean when you say it’s from Dean?” Castiel asks him. Pastor Jim comes closer and sits his cup on the table before he offers Castiel his hand.

“I’m no expert, but I would guess that you and Dean’s Bond sticks a little deeper than normal” Pastor Jim says while shaking Castiel’s hand, “Maybe what happens to him happens to you too. It’s just a guess.”

“A damned good one” Ellen says and shakes Castiel’s hand next, “We’ve been discussing it since you wouldn’t wake up and all that.”

“So you mean I am able to _feel_ Dean, where ever he is?” Castiel asks. Both of them shrug.

“We don’t know. Can you feel him now?” Castiel concentrates on his body but has to shake his head. He doesn’t feel different. “Maybe it’s just when you are in a weakened state” Ellen’s daughter speaks up, “You know like when you are sleeping or emotionally unstable, like you were when you passed out.” Castiel tilts his head at her. “What?” she says, “They told us what happened when we came here.” He points at Anna and Sam.

“Why are you here?” Castiel asks.

“To help, duh” she answers, “We’re here to kick some Lordel ass.”

“Joanna Beth!” Ellen exclaims, “Language!” That’s right. Her name is Jo. Castiel remembers being told that.

Jo rolls her eyes at her mom. “Whatever, it’s true.”

“Maybe we should just focus on finding my brother first” Sam suggests.

“Excellent idea Samuel” Pastor Jim says, “And how do you suggest we start doing that? Haven’t you been wasting time running around outside like headless chickens?” Castiel looks at the Father stunned. “It’s easier to just admit that they got him and come to terms with that. We have a war to win and we can’t waste this opportunity just because one little man goes missing.”

“He’s my brother!” Sam growls, just as Castiel says “He is not just one little man”. Anna catches Castiel’s wrist when he unconsciously takes a step towards Pastor Jim with his hands clenched into fists. Castiel never thought Pastor Jim would be like this when he first met him.

“He’s a pawn!” Pastor Jim says, “If they’re already performing experiments on him, then it’s too late. He’s too far into their headquarters to be saved and we would risk everything trying and failing to rescue him.”

“How can you speak like that?” Anna asks. Pastor Jim rolls his eyes and looks towards Ellen for support. She quickly shakes her head and step back from him.

“Oh I’m with the kids on this one Jim” she says, “I have no idea where you are going with this one, but I want no part in it.”

“Yeah, I thought we signed up for this to help Dean and Cas to be free” Jo says and adds a quick “And kick some ass while at it.”

“Well excuse me for believing we were doing this to end the Lordels and not make sure the precious Lunang Soulmates could be together in peace” Pastor Jim says and then he shakes his head. A small argument breaks loose and it’s not helped when Balthazar and John showing up from outside too and starts yelling at Pastor Jim when they find out what’s going on.

Castiel steps back and sits down on the nearest chair so he can rest his head in his hands. His thoughts feels clouded and his head heavy all of a sudden and he has this dumb pain in his side all of a sudden. He thinks he might hear a ghost voice calling his name in his thoughts, like he did that one time when he was lying on Sam and Jess’ couch, overwhelmed with Rejection Sickness.

Is that Dean calling out to him or is it just him losing his mind? Who knows anymore? Most of the time Castiel thinks he’s losing his mind. It’s hard not to question your own sanity when your life suddenly resembles a low budget action movie.

“HEY!” Castiel startles when Bobby’s voice pierces through the many yelling voices in the room. Everyone falls silent and turns to look at him. He’s standing with Jess at his side and a phone next to his ear. “Whatever you idjits think is so important to argue about right now, you might wanna stow your crap and pack your bags ASAP. We found him.” Bobby straightens the phone so it is right in front of his mouth. “Shut up” he says into the phone before he rolls his eyes. “I’m sorry _princess_ ” he says, “Frank found him, not _we._ ” Bobby hands the phone to Jess. “You talk to him. I can’t deal with him any longer.” Bobby looks at the people in the library again and lifts both his eyebrows. “Why are you still here?” he asks them, “Get moving! We leave in five.”

People start running towards their rooms, leaving Castiel behind. He doesn’t mind that much. The pain in his side is still bad so he doesn’t want to move right now.

“Hey, are you okay?” Jo is standing next to him, offering him a hand. He takes it and gets to his feet with her help, but not without feeling some phantom thing twist inside him.

“Yes” he breathes, “My side is aching though.”

“Oh…” Jo says, “Is it bad?” Castiel nods. “You think they’re doing something bad to him?” she asks him carefully. She’s letting him rest against her as they walk towards his room.

“I don’t know” he admits, “I’m not even sure it is really him I can feel. I hope not.”

“Yeah… I’m not sure either, but I guess it’s possible, right? I mean, no one knows how you two work. You could be all kinds of freaky.” Castiel doesn’t know what to say to that. He doesn’t want to think about the possibility that it’s Dean’s pain he can feel and not his own.

Jo leads him through the door to his room and helps him to his bed. “Do you need help packing?” she asks.

“No thank you, I’ll be fine” he answers. He’s not an invalid. He’s just in pain. A lot of pain. He has to force himself not to show the pain in his face when it intensifies again.

“Okay, I’m gonna go pack my own shit then. Just call if you change your mind.”

“Thank you, I will” he says and tries to give her a smile. He is not sure he manages to do it correctly. Jo walks out a few moments later and Castiel allows himself to bend over with a pained groan. There’s something touching his ribs, he can feel it so clearly. What’s happening to him?

Or rather, what is happening to Dean? Could it really be true? Is this Dean he can feel?

“Dean…” he pants, “Hold on. We’re coming for you.” He has no idea if Dean is able to hear it or if he’s just talking to the air like he’s crazy, but it’s worth a try.

The pain cuts out two or three minutes later and Castiel is able to throw a few important things into a bag before Sam is coming to get him, saying that everyone is ready to leave. Castiel follows him out to the entrance hall and listens as Bobby begins to explain the plan. Castiel stops listening when Bobby starts talking about teams and “keep Castiel within eyesight at all times, we don’t wanna let them ‘nap him too”. It’s possible it’s the ghost voice’s return that makes him stop listening, but he can’t be blamed for it when it’s much louder now than before and clearly resembles Dean’s voice calling his name again.

This time Castiel isn’t in doubt. That _is_ Dean calling his name.

* * *

“It’s impossible!” Jim declares. They are all standing around the computer that Jess is sitting in front of. She is talking to this mysterious _Frank_ on the phone while he is showing them the security footage of the facility where Dean is.

Castiel hates to admit that Jim might be right. It does seem rather impossible to get into that facility and get Dean out without being noticed. There is _a lot_ of guards everywhere and _a lot_ of security. Just the many, many, _many_ cameras they can look through suggests that there isn’t a single inch of that facility that isn’t watched at all times. Then there is the many security doors and keycard-scanners and that’s not even taking the _snipers_ on the roof that Frank shows them into account.

But all that is something Castiel think they can work themselves past. They are enough people to do it. With both Booby, John and Ellen who have all made these kinds of break outs before, they must have some sort of chance. And they have Sam, who have some kind of training like Dean had, because their father have been training them to defend themselves if something like this ever happened, in secrete of course but still, and there’s Jess who seems very much capable of working as the outside man, controlling all the cameras with Frank’s help and then there’s Castiel and Anna who has been trained to combat by their parents from they were very young, possibly for this very purpose. And Balthazar is an officer. He has some sort of training too.

They must have a _chance_ at least. “Look at all this!” Jim says, “It’s a suicide mission. We will never get pass them, not without being noticed. Not unless someone in here is a ninja.”

“I hate to admit it, but Jim is right” Ellen says. Castiel is shocked when Jo and Bobby and even Balthazar nods in agreement too.

“You can’t mean that!” Castiel says, “We have to try. Dean is in there.” John grabs Castiel’s shoulder to squeeze it.

“I’m not crazy about it either son, but they’re right. We ain’t going in the way we planned. It’s too risky” he says.

“But Dad!” Sam exclaims, “We can’t leave him in there. Look at Cas! He’s in pain constantly. They’re torturing him!” It’s true, Castiel has been feeling phantom pain all over his body for as long as they have been traveling, all four days. Sometimes it’s nothing but a dull ache that he barely notices, but other times is sharp and excruciating pain, like someone is cutting into him with a knife. Castiel isn’t in doubt anymore. It’s Dean he can feel and he has allowed himself to be open to that pain, even though he knows that he can shut it off. It’s the only way he can be with Dean through whatever is happening to him.

“I know Sammy, but we risk getting captured, or arrested or hell even killed. That won’t help Dean. We need a different plan of attack. We’re not giving up on him, hell no” John says. Sam doesn’t say anything else and neither does anyone else. They all know that when Bobby or John says no, it’s no use trying to fight it. They have the resources, they have the connections, the experience. Without them at their side it’s even more impossible.

Castiel feels so hopeless. What is he supposed to do? He can’t leave Dean in there but he can’t do anything without help. He couldn’t even go with Ellen and Jo to do the grocery shopping yesterday when they arrived at Bobby’s second house because every person in the States knows his face and will call the Heavens Inc. to tell them where he is if they see him. He feels trapped, more than he ever did in the mental facility he has called home for over five years.

“We’ll go the other way around” Bobby says after a while, “Continue with the plan and bring the Lordels down first. Then we’ll get Dean once they are out of power.”

“Dean might not have that much time” Castiel says as another stab of pain hits him, this time in the lower part of his spine. It feels like something thin is being pushed in between his vertebras.

“Dean is strong” John says with conviction, “As long as that Mark on your hand is still silver, Dean is alive and still fighting. We still have time.” Castiel doesn’t say that every second that passes by he fears that his Mark will turn into the same grey color that John’s is and that that fear almost paralyzes him when it takes hold of him.

“We still have time” John repeats and to Castiel is sounds like he is trying to convince himself of that more than he is trying to convince them.

* * *

A week. One whole week and they aren’t any closer to saving Dean than they were when they first arrived at Bobby’s small second house, that he calls his own private safe house, on the outside of the small city called Sioux Falls. Each day is a fight to get more and more stories from victims out, to get more and more people to believe, but they aren’t making progress. The Heavens Inc. corporation is fighting against them, disproving all their arguments by right out lying or faking evidence that shows that what the victims are saying is a lie. And people believe it. They just believe it.

Castiel feels trapped, restless. He needs to do something, he needs to feel something is happening. He can’t sit still anymore, can’t watch the pointless battle of opinions that the others are fighting each day. Dean is in _agony_. Each day that goes by Dean’s calls in Castiel’s mind turns just a little more desperate, a little more panicked. It’s driving Castiel mad. He can’t _do_ anything about it! He hates that, he hates that he has to sit here in this house on lockdown with nine sets of eyes always following him around wherever he goes. He can’t even go outside in the garden to watch the flowers and bees without one or more of them following him to make sure he isn’t in danger of being captured too.

Perhaps it is his desperation that one night makes him take control over his dreams like he has never done before, but in one moment he is standing on a dock somewhere, looking at the water and the next he knows he’s dreaming and he thinks of Dean and just like that he’s standing in an garage surrounded by cars and listening to music coming from a radio. He has never seen this place before, but somehow it feels familiar to him. It feels safe and like home.

“Cas?” Dean is standing behind him when Castiel turns around. He’s drying off his oil stained hands in a dirty piece of cloth, wearing washed out dirty jeans and a black t-shirt. Castiel can’t stop looking at him, can’t stop taking in how at peace Dean looks with his ruffled hair and that tiny stroke of oil on his right cheek.

“Hello, Dean” he says softly, just because he knows he should say something. He knows this is a dream, that this isn’t real but that Dean is, very much so. It is very surreal to know that you are communicating with someone through your dreams.

“What are you doing here?” Dean asks him, “Aren’t you supposed to be at home working on your book?” Castiel has no idea what Dean is talking about. Perhaps that is the story Dean’s dream is made up around. That Castiel should be at home working while Dean is working here. Does Dean believe they are living together?

“Yes” he lies. He doesn’t want to shatter Dean’s world just yet. He doesn’t want Dean to feel pain when this is possibly the only time he isn’t now. “I just wanted to see you” he says, which isn’t a lie.

“What for? Something wrong?” Dean goes to a workbench and throws the cloth on it before picking up a water bottle to take a drink from it.

“No I just missed you” Castiel says. His heart does a flip in his chest when Dean smiles happily and laughs shortly instead of turning angry. In the real world Dean would have reacted with anger if Castiel said anything like that to him. Now, Dean is putting his water bottle down to go do something that makes Castiel’s heart make even bigger flips in his chest. Dean kisses him quickly on the cheek before he ruffles his hair.

“You are a needy little shit, aren’t you Cas?” Dean says to him, laughing softly again, “I’ve only been gone for a few hours.” Then there’s a stab of sadness attacking Castiel’s heart and his face falls just as his heart drops low in his stomach. No, he hasn’t just been gone a few hours. He has been gone for nearly two weeks.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Dean asks, suddenly worried over Castiel’s reaction. His arms comes around Castiel’s body like he is used to doing that and Castiel doesn’t stop him. He has been craving Dean’s touch for so long now that he feels like he is in Heaven.

“Nothing” he says, “It just feels a lot longer than a few hours.” Dean looks at his face for a little while before he hugs him close to his body.

“I’ll be home in a few hours Cas” Dean mumbles while hugging him, “I promise.” Castiel can’t do anything, can’t say anything because he wishes so much that that was true. So he just hugs Dean back instead and fights the tears he feels coming.

He is suddenly ripped out of his dream when Dean hisses in pain and steps back, holding his head like something hit him. Castiel calls his name but Dean vanishes into thin air with a panicked look on his face and then Castiel is waking up, with Dean’s name still on his lips and a feeling of a bruise forming on the side of his face like someone just kicked him in his jaw.

When Castiel sees the dark bedroom he’s lying in and realizes that no one else is here, he lies back down, curls in on himself and buries his face in his pillow, just to stop the sound of his sobbing from reaching the others sleeping in the house.

He misses Dean so much.

* * *

Castiel keeps visiting Dean in his dreams, but never tells him that he is real, that they are dreaming. Sometimes Dean is represented as a child in the dream, running around in a garden playing with a child version of Sam while a blonde haired, very beautiful woman watches over them from a kitchen window. Castiel stays out of sight of all of them and just watches Dean’s happiness. He loves to hear Dean’s laugher, even though it makes him sad enough to cry. Once he wakes up he allows himself to let his pain go, knowing that he won’t feel any better if he keeps the sadness in. No one knows he is crying anyway.

Other times, Dean is a young teenager, running around in a huge hall filled with other teenagers. Everywhere where Castiel looks there is people finding their Soulmates, and he watches as Dean and his friends scans the crowd, in hopes of finding theirs too. In those dreams, Dean sometimes finds a girl that is his Soulmate and other times he goes home disappointed and sad. Castiel isn’t sure which of the versions of the dream he dislikes the most.

Then there are times where Dean is an adult and recognizes Castiel. Those dreams are the ones Castiel both loves the most, but also hates the most. Because they are perfect, in every sense of the word. Dean is open and loving and caring and doesn't have any problem touching or connecting with Castiel. They have a perfect life together, sometimes living with each other as lovers and other times living apart as friends and Castiel likes both scenarios the same. The point is that Dean is acting like his Soulmate, he is always there and always accepts Castiel, whether it be if he needs comfort or wants to give it.

But those dreams are also the ones that breaks Castiel’s heart the most when Dean is ripped from them and Castiel wakes up alone, hearing Dean scream his name in his mind again and again. Those are the days were Castiel doesn’t get more than a few hours of sleep because he spends the rest of the night crying into his pillow over how hopeless and worthless he feels.

He knows the others can see it, how he is slowly wasting away into a bottomless hole filled with misery. He doesn’t care. He feels miserable. He wants to go save Dean but Bobby and John always says it’s still too dangerous when he goes to them to demand they do _something._ They always tell him to be patient, tell him that Dean is strong and will make it through. That Castiel needs to believe in Dean.

Oh Castiel does. He believe in Dean so much. He is sure he wouldn’t have had the strength to go through all that pain they are inflicting on Dean and still keep fighting, still keep being alive. Castiel has no idea what they are doing to Dean, but he is sure it isn’t anything pleasant.

One night he wakes up with the feeling of Dean’s lips on his and he screams for the first time ever. He screams his pain out because Dean had been ripped away from him in that exact moment and he’s screaming inside Castiel’s head again.

Anna comes crashing through the door seconds later, just as Castiel breaks down into sobs again. She’s a mess, in panic and if Castiel hadn’t been hurting like he is he is sure he would have felt guilty over worrying her so much.

Instead Castiel feels pure red hot rage boil in his veins. It has been three and a half weeks and they have done _nothing_. They are nowhere near saving Dean and Dean is being tortured every second of every day and Castiel has had _enough._ If the others don’t want to help him save his Soulmate, he will do so himself!

And he knows just how he is going to do it too. He will let the Lordels feel his wrath, he will make them wish they had never laid a hand on Dean.

Castiel is going to lay them to waste.

* * *

How many weeks have it been now? Eight? Nine? Dean can’t remember. Maybe it has been months, years. It feels like that sometimes. It feels like lifetimes has gone by. It’s just pain and pain and more pain.

He stopped keeping count on the days a long time ago. It was around the tenth or eleventh time when they came from him. And every day since has just been the same. Once that door opens it just leads to pain and terror. Four men storms in and restrains him and Dean fights against them with everything he has, tries every trick he has ever learned from his dad to get them to let go but they never do. It only lasts a few minutes before he feels a stab in his neck and he knows they’ve lost patience with him again. He loses all control of his body and they can just drag him into the room that has quickly become his worst nightmare.

It’s the same thing every time. Alistair waits for him there, smiling that predatory smile like Dean’s a steak and Alistair is a starved tiger. He gets put in the chair and Alistair straps him to it just a little too tightly. The following hours is spent in even more pain and with Dean just trying to keep up with all the tests Alistair do on him, just trying to ignore Alistair's horrible singing while he is working. Dean doesn't know if Alistair's singing or his many questions about him and Cas' Bond is the worst thing about this. 

Alistair never does anything too scarring to him. There isn’t any cutting into his belly to look at his guts or ripping his heart out to see why it’s supposed to love someone he isn’t normally attracted to. Alistair does everything else though, photographing every single inch of his body, both inside and out, stuffing cameras in through every hole he can find and sometimes even holes he makes himself, _without_ anesthesia. He cuts stuff out of Dean’s body, stuff Dean is pretty sure isn’t supposed to be cut away, but he can’t do anything about it. Every day when Alistair is done with him he asks Dean where Cas is, and Dean always answers with a "Go fuck yourself" or simply just with silence, until Alistair makes the guards take him back to his cell. 

He stopped fighting the guards when they came for him one time, thinking that it might make Alistair stop the poking and probing just for a little while. That had been a _huge_ mistake. The guards took him to the room and Alistair strapped him to the chair again to do his tests, this time _without_ any kind of sedative. Going through some of those tests clear minded was right out torture. So every time since he has fought like a crazy man just so they would drug him. Rather be stoned and unable to protest to the invasive tests than being fully awake and screaming.

It didn’t help with the fear though, and yes, Dean Winchester admits openly that he’s afraid now. It took two weeks of torture before he had a breakdown. He still can’t decide if it was the brutal murder of the girl Hannah, who was in the cell next to his, he heard clearly through the tiny vent in his cell, only hours after having heard her tell the terrifying story of how Alistair had carved the her still unborn child from her stomach just to see how it looked at that stage in development _without drugging her_ , or if it is the constant fear of the door opening for the last time because Alistair finally has decided that Dean’s worth more to him dead than alive that makes him so afraid.

He can’t die. He just can’t.

It’s not because Dean is afraid of dying, which yeah, he is, everyone is, but because he can’t leave Sam. Or Cas. Shit if he dies, what will happen to Cas? Dean’s dad had been torn to pieces when his mom died. Dean still remembers that day. The look Dad got on his face when his mom died, before they even knew what happened to her. And they had only been Suna Soulmates. So what will happen to Cas if Dean dies? According to the few short conversations he has overheard in the test-room, which Alistair constantly refers to as “the Pit”, Cas and him is connected in ways that even Alistair and his scientist lackeys can’t explain. They can apparent pick up another heartbeat within Dean’s own, however crazy that is. But that’s Cas’ heartbeat apparently and Alistair is very fascinated about the fact that Cas’ heartbeat reacts when Dean feels pain, like Cas is feeling the pain too.

No he has to stay alive, even if it means cowering in the corner of his tiny cell, hoping they will just walk past his cell today, begging for it like a baby. It’s so unlike him, but in these days he is having trouble figuring out what the old him was like. He can’t remember much about the outside world anymore. Maybe it’s the drugs that does it. All he can remember is Cas’ eyes and that’s the thing he clings to, that’s his lifeline. That’s what is keeping him human. He keeps saying Cas’ name inside his head again and again, like a prayer.

A tiny click from the door pulls him out of his chaotic thoughts. He presses himself further into his corner, trying to make himself as small as possible so they won’t see him. The door swings open with those horrible whines of metal he’s gotten to know so well and Dean starts shaking when the dark cell is bathed in light. He can see a silhouette in the doorway, a body wearing a long coat.

His heart goes crazy when the body doesn’t move, when it just stands there, looking at him. When there’s just one of them, it can only mean one thing. Alistair has finally grown tired of him. He’s done playing now.

When the man in the door reaches into his pocket Dean loses the last strand of self-control he has. He turns his head away and bends in over himself, whining pathetically. He can’t see what the man is pulling up of his pocket, can’t see the knife or gun or whatever they have decided to kill him with. He just can’t.

“Please don’t, please!” he begs, choking on his own spit and feeling tears run over his face. “I can’t leave them, I can’t, I can’t. Please don’t kill me, please don’t kill me.” He can’t die now, not after everything he has endured in his hell just so he can get back and tell Cas that he doesn’t hate him and that he wants to try and be the Soulmate that he deserves. He can’t lose it all now.

Dean hears a click and then it’s all over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry. Don't kill me.   
> *hides under the table*
> 
> My Tumblr: http://beautiful-hellfire.tumblr.com/


	8. Forgive Me Heart, For I Have Sinned

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Good things do happen.

”Dean…” That voice… Dean knows it. Is he dead? Is this Heaven? “Dean! Look at me!” Someone is forcing his face up and then he’s looking into the eyes that has kept him going through all these weeks.

“Cas…?” he sobs, face contracting as tears explodes from his eyes, “I’m sorry Cas, I’m so fucking sorry…” He starts mumbling all the apologies he has been thinking about since he’s been trapped here, grabbing onto that stupid too large trench coat that Dean remembers Bobby giving Cas before they left his apartment. That feels like years ago now.

“Dean, Dean, listen to me!” Cas says, “You are alright. It’s over.” Dean shakes his head. No, no it can’t be because he’s dead. He’s pretty sure he just got shot. There was a blinding white light and everything. This Cas must be an angel or something, or maybe… maybe Dean has been dead all along and this is his hell. Maybe he crashed in the Impala after he ran out on Cas and this is his punishment. Maybe there never was a Cas.

“Alpha team checking in, cell block C is cleared…” A running group of men rushes past the cell Dean’s in and his eyes finds the door just as they move past it. What the… why did that look like soldiers? Dean finds Cas’ face again.

“I’m not dead?” he asks slowly. Cas squeezes his arms and shakes his head.

“No Dean, you are very much alive” he answers. Dean looks at the floor again and lets his body fall back against the walls in his corner. He’s not dead. He’s being… saved? How is that possible? He couldn’t find a way out the first few weeks he was here and he tried everything. Memorizing the hallways, fighting, leaving signs, nothing worked.

“I’m so sorry Dean” Cas says, “We couldn’t come for you sooner. They fortified this place much more than Bobby or your father had ever seen before. We had to wait for the public to support us before we got the police to help us.”

“How did you manage to do that?” Dean asks. He’s not sure why. Maybe just to keep Cas talking. His voice feels like cooling balm over an infected wound. Dean’s got a lot of those, he knows that.

“Mostly with the video we made and with Bobby’s plan, but I grew restless and decided to do something you will think stupid and reckless.”

“And what’s that?”

“I went on national television” Cas answers carefully, “And called Michael Lordel a coward and a murderer and told him that if he had a problem with it he could come find me himself.”

“He did, didn’t he?” Cas nods.

“He did, with his brother and a lot of other men. I made them tell me what they had done to you and when they tried to force me to come with them by medicating me the police officers that was waiting outside went in and arrested them all. Bobby got everything on tape, everything they said. They are not leaving prison in our lifetimes. I suspect that the things the police will find in here will add further time to their sentences.”

“Badass Cas” Dean stammers. It’s a bit cold in here suddenly, isn’t it?

“Dean?” Cas calls. Dean tries to grunt to let him know he’s okay. He is okay now. He got Cas next to him and Alistair is hopefully being jumped by a few hundred soldiers right now. Serves him well that bastard.

“Dean!”

_“I’m okay Cas. I’m just taking a nap.”_ Does he say it out loud? Dean can’t tell. Either way, he feels way better than he has in a long time, he feels safe and he could just really use a nap. So… yeah, he’s going to take one.

* * *

Fractured rips, bruises and a split lip and eyebrow after beatings, countless infected wounds after invasive medical procedures, flesh wounds after struggling against too tight restrains, a swelled brain after a wrongly preformed brain biopsy, malnutrition, dehydration…

It’s a miracle he isn’t dead.

Castiel doesn’t need a doctor to tell him it’s a miracle Dean isn’t dead. He knows that perfectly well. He was the one to feel every small pain Dean went through while he was in the facility. He was the one to find Dean in that cell after all, hiding in a corner and begging not to be killed.  He will never forget that.

Castiel can’t even being to imagine what Dean must have been through in the short month the Lordels had him. He squeezes Dean’s hand a little harder, resting his forehead against it. He hasn’t left Dean’s side much since the doctors put him in this room a few weeks ago, connected to far too many tubes and machines if you ask Castiel. He knows that each and every one of those tubes and machines is helping to keep Dean alive, helping him to heal, but Castiel hates each tiny beep and hiss of the machines, hates each and every one of the tubes stuck in Dean’s body. They are a reminder that Castiel was too late, that he was too slow. Dean looks even thinner with all those machines and tubes. He has lost a lot of weight already and looks like a skeleton and the tubes aren’t helping that imagine.

He should have done something sooner, should have insisted on just storming the facility where they kept Dean captive no matter what would happen when John and Bobby agreed with Jim that it would be a suicide mission trying to get in there. He should just have done _something_ much much sooner instead of letting others take control over his life, over Dean’s life. Maybe Dean wouldn’t be in a coma because his body was barely functioning when they finally got to him.

That look Dean had on his face when Castiel turned on his flashlight to see if it really was Dean he had found, he will never forget either. It was like Castiel had just shot Dean. He flinched to hard he knocked his head into the wall and fell over. And the constant begging for his life, Dean repeating “don’t make me leave them, don’t make me leave them” and “I’m sorry Sammy, I’m sorry Cas”… those words still carves Castiel’s heart in two. Dean wasn’t begging for his own life because he wanted to live. He was begging because of him and Sam.

Sam. That just makes Castiel feel even worse. Sam nearly broke down when Castiel came running out of the facility with a unconscious Dean on his back. Sam had thought he was dead. He _screamed_ Dean’s name when he saw him.

Castiel failed Sam too. It’s Castiel’s job to protect his Soulmate and he failed so unbelievably much. He allowed Dean to walk out of the bunker because he was afraid to stop him, afraid that Dean might reject him again if he pushed too hard. Castiel admits, he has been angry and hurting when he snapped at Dean. He was tired of being treated as an inconvenience and couldn’t find a good way to start the conversation and then he just snapped suddenly. It was wrong of him, so very wrong. He should have kept his temper under control and approached Dean much more calmly.

This is all Castiel’s fault and he loathes himself for it. He will never forgive himself. Never, no matter if Dean wakes up or not.

Castiel bends his head and prays to God one more time, even though he stopped believing in him a long time ago. He begs him to give him Dean back, no matter what it costs. Castiel will gladly go the rest of his life with a Rejection Sickness if it means Dean will be alive and happy. Castiel doesn’t care anymore. He just wants Dean to wake up.

Once he’s done praying he starts talking to Dean. It’s not anything important he says, he’s saving that for if, no _when_ , Dean wakes up and he can tell him for real. No he just tells him about what is happening in the world. About how the Lordels are being put out of business and all their money and property is being sold off. How the media is digging deeper and deeper into their pasts, finding horror stories for as long as the Lordel family as existed, horror stories much more gruesome than Castiel and Dean’s. About how Michael Lordel really isn’t an evil man, but just a man in pain because his daughter’s Soulmate died the year after they found each other and that she constantly tries to kill herself. That Michael just wanted to help his daughter and allowed his brother Luce to take over most of the control of his company because Luce promised to find a solution for him and then he misused that power Michael had given him.

He tells Dean about the other Lunang Soulmates that the Lordels had captured in the past, so many many more had existed and nobody ever knew about because the Lordels got to them before they could even Bond. He tells Dean about the hundreds of people that’s free now because they won, that all the prisoners from the facility is getting help so they can live on and that the bodies of the dead they found everywhere in the facility is being returned to their loved ones so they can have a proper burial.

He tells him about the laws that are being changed and created each day to make sure that experimenting on people because of the Soulmate Bonds is done right and always with the consent of the person. That companies and even hospitals needs to go through a lot of controls before they are even allowed to research the Bonds. That it is becoming almost impossible for anyone to ever do anything like what Dean has been put through again.

He tells him about that man, Alistair and that he got a death sentence for having done all those horrible things to not only Dean but a lot of other people. Some of the guards and other scientists that worked alongside him testified against him to have their sentences reduced and Alistair is now sitting in a prison, waiting to get and lethal injection sometime in the future, alongside Luce and Michael Lordel too.

Castiel tells Dean about Anna and Balthazar and that they are going to move to California so they can be close to him. Castiel already found an small apartment to live in, close to Dean’s. It’s not much bigger than the room he had in the mental facility, but he doesn’t need much space. Just enough for a bed and a desk so he can write.

He tells Dean what the others are doing. That John has started working for Bobby, not as before, but with repairing cars. Ellen and Jo has returned to their motel and Pastor Jim to his work in Mexico. Castiel doesn’t know if Dean cares about them, but he keeps telling him about it anyway. He knows that Sam and Jess tells him stories about life when they visit too, so he doesn’t feel too stupid talking to a comatose patient that probably can’t hear him.

A nurse comes into the room around nine PM and tells him he needs to leave. He does so reluctantly after pressing a quick kiss to Dean’s knuckles. For each time Castiel does it, he finds the knuckles a little less bruised and Dean’s skin a little more pink-ish. It gives him hope.

Then he stands and walks out the room, nodding to the nurse on his way. They both know he’ll be back the second he’s allowed too tomorrow morning, so it’s not a goodbye. Castiel is just saying “see you soon”.

* * *

It’s all an ocean of colors. The world is made of colors, dancing around and in between each other and they’re hurting his eyes. There’s noise too, so much noise, like static from a TV or a radio. He can’t make it stop no matter what he does. He has tried yelling, tried finding the off-switch. Nothing. It’s just there, swarming around him like a hive of angry bees.

Sometimes there’s a voice in between the noise. At least Dean thinks it’s a voice. It might be his imagination, but he thinks he hears someone talk to him, telling him stuff.

It takes a long time for him to recognize Cas’ voice but when he does he gets so happy. He tries to find Cas for a long time after that, calling his name but he’s nowhere to be found and his voice always vanishes again shortly after it has started.

It feels like years pass before the colors starts collecting, turning into a deep black and the static starts to quiet down into soft distant deeps. Cas’ voice becomes much more clear and Dean hears him talk about all sorts of stuff he doesn’t understand. Something about someone called Lordel that has done bad and some laws that makes sure something like “this” can’t happen again, whatever “this” is. Well, Dean doesn’t care, Cas could be speaking in Spanish or Latin, just as long as he keeps speaking. It’s nice not to be alone in this weird world.

Then, sometime much later, Dean’s vision shifts from black to blurry and multicolored again. It takes him about three minutes to figure out that his eyes have opened, that he’s waking up somehow and that he’s seeing the real world again.

There’s a tube down his throat when he tries to breathe. It makes his chest rise and fall and Dean realizes that he’s in a hospital bed, hooked up to some breathing machine. Cas is sitting next to him and he’s holding his hand, still talking. Dean tries to smile when he sees that, Cas talking to him but not looking at him, looking at their hands instead. It’s cute.

Dean almost feels sorry for the scared look Cas gets when he squeezes his hand back a while later. Cas falls out of his chair, he gets so excited and then he’s nearly crawling over Dean, repeating his name again and again. He does know that Dean can’t speak with this thing in his throat, right?

Anyway, he tries to nod and hum or something, just to let Cas know that he can hear him and that makes Cas storm out of the room, so maybe that wasn’t such a good idea. He’s back quickly again though, followed by what must be an army of nurses and doctors. The sight of them makes Dean’s heart beat painfully fast in his chest, but when Cas grabs his hand again it calms down and he doesn’t feel scared anymore.

They pull the tube out of his throat after doing some simple tests to make sure he can breathe on his own, nothing painful or invasive and Dean is secretively happy about that. He do remember what happened now and why he’s in a hospital bed in the first place. He guesses it has something to do what Alistair did to him.

He says “Hey Cas” as the first thing and Cas breaks down crying. It scares the crap out of Dean and he struggles to lift his arms to wrap Cas in them. And by struggle, Dean means _fails_ to do it, so he’s stuck with just telling Cas it’s okay, he’s okay and rubbing his cheek against Cas’ head until Cas calms down and releases his death grip on Dean so the doctors can do their jobs.

They tell him that he is going to be weak and feel pain in a lot of places and need a lot of help in daily life for a long time, but that he should make a full recovery after some rehabilitating. Dean finds that comforting and apparently, so does Cas because he starts crying again, that big baby. Dean just smiles and tries to comfort him with head-to-cheek rubs again.

He asks how long he has been out and he’s shocked to find out it had been nearly two months since Cas found him in the cell. The doctors put him in a fake coma apparently to make sure his brain could heal or something, Dean doesn’t understand the language they’re speaking in, and when they tried to pull him out again he wouldn’t wake up. Dean understands why Cas is a cry baby after that. He’s sure he would have been too if their roles had been reversed and it was Cas lying in this bed now.

Once the doctors and nurses leave Cas drags his chair closer to Dean’s bed and they stare at each other for a long time. Dean is trying to find something to say, anything he can start with. There is so much, so many things he wants to say to Cas, but he doesn’t know where to start.

Cas beats him to it though. “I’m sorry” he says.

“For what?” Dean asks him. He kinda hates that his voice is so hoarse and broken, but it’s not really a surprise after learning you have had a tube stuck in your throat for two months.

“For not coming for you sooner” Cas says, “For yelling at you and making you leave. For failing you.” Dean catches Cas’ fingers with his own and squeezes them tightly. When did Cas’ fingers become thicker than Dean’s?

“It’s not your fault” he says, “I was the one who was stupid enough to leave. I shouldn’t have gotten mad.”

“I shouldn’t have yelled at you” Cas interrupts him.

“Maybe, but you were right. I was being unfair to you. I was pushing you away without even knowing it” Dean says, “I’m sorry for that. I was scared and a coward and I was too confused about what I was feeling. I treated you badly and you were in your right to be angry with me.”

“No, no Dean, I wasn’t” Cas says, “You were right too, I had no right to force you to do anything you were uncomfortable with. I was too caught up in myself that I couldn’t see things from your perspective.” Dean huffs a small laugh.

“Oh we’re so messed up” he says, “Last time we saw each other we both thought the other one was wrong and now we both think it’s ourselves.”

“That is messed up” Cas agrees, “But I am sorry none-the-less.”

“Me too” Dean says. He looks at their hands and takes a deep breath.

“I lied to you Cas” he says silently, “When I told you I hated you, that I didn’t want you. I lied.”

“It’s okay…” Cas begins, but Dean interrupts him.

“No! No it’s not! Because I did you wrong and I want to fix it” he says, “If you still want me, I promise I’ll try to be better to you, try to be the Soulmate you deserve.”

“Of course I still want you” Cas says quickly.

“Good. Now get up here, because I can’t hug you from down there. My arms ain’t working” Dean says. Cas hesitates for a second before he’s helping Dean move over to one side of the bed so Cas can lie down beside him. Dean wraps him in his arms and holds on for dear life, as much as he can. To be honest, it feels like his muscles are gone and he doesn’t like it.

But it feels so good to finally be back next to Cas that Dean can’t hold his tears in and when Cas reacts to them by wrapping him even closer in his arms, Dean suddenly doesn’t want to hold them back.

So he cries, and Cas cries a little bit more and they talk, for the first time they actually talk and _listen_ to each other and once Dean’s eyes begins to drop, Cas’ is still talking about his plans for the future, about how he wants them to find a place where they can get apartments next to each other’s and the books he wants to publish. Dean has never felt happier or more complete and for the first time ever he falls asleep smiling, knowing that tomorrow will be a good day and that he will be okay as long as Cas is next to him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Almost there!
> 
> My Tumblr: http://beautiful-hellfire.tumblr.com/


	9. Epilogue

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And they lived happily ever after...?

A gentle stroke here, fade in the line with a thumb, another stroke there. Dean leans back and looks over the picture in front of him, deciding that it needs a little more shadowing on the left side. His forehead wrinkles as he works and he feels a drop of sweat run down the side of his face, but he doesn’t dry it off. He’s in the zone, too focused on his work to be distracted.

There. It’s done and it’s perfect.

There’s a key being pushed into the lock on the front door seconds later, but Dean doesn’t look up to see who comes through it. He knows it’s Cas before he even speaks up. “I’m on the balcony!” Dean calls to him and seconds later Cas appears in the door into the living room, carrying two beers and an awful large stack of papers. Dean hopes that isn’t another interview he needs to answer. He has already done _so many_ of them, and that’s not even counting the talk shows they’ve been in. Aren’t people tired of hearing about their boring life yet?

“What’s up Cas?” he asks and puts his sketch book on the table so he can accept a beer from Cas.

“Not much, I wanted to see how you were doing” Cas answers as he sits down in the chair on the other side of the table. He looks at the picture and frowns. “Another nightmare?” he asks. Dean takes a sip of the beer and nods.

“Yeah.”

“Was it Hannah again?” Cas asks.

“No, it was Alistair” Dean just says. He knows Cas understands what he means. Dean has told him everything about what happened at the facility. He was actually a bit surprised that Cas knew exactly how he had felt, that Cas had felt his pain alongside Dean, each day and night. That Cas had tried to comfort him by showing up in his dreams. Yeah, that’s a thing they can do apparently.

“Are you alright?” Cas asks. Dean shrugs.

“I’ll live.” He takes another drink before tabbing the stack of papers Cas is still holding in his lap. “Is that another interview? Because if it is, you can just dump it over the railing. I can’t handle any more of those right now.”

Cas laughs, that bastard. “No, it’s not. It’s my book. It’s done” he says. Dean brightens up at that.

“For real?” he asks before he places the beer on the table and makes grabby hands at the papers, “Let me see.” Cas hands them over with a smile and leans back while Dean flips through the first couple of pages. He hasn’t been allowed to read anything from it yet, so he’s very curious.

“Anna called” Cas says while Dean is looking, “She wants to know what time they should be here Saturday.”

“At five, like always” Dean says. They have started to make each other dinner once in a while, just to bring everyone together, both their families and Bobby, the Harvelles and even Pastor Jim, even though Dean still doesn’t like him after he found out that he wanted to let Dean rot in that facility. Gabriel is coming too and Dean is only looking forward to that because he always gets pie when Gabriel shows up.

Dean hasn’t been able to go back to work yet. He’s still recovering, even though it has been nearly a year since he got out of the hospital. He’s still hurting and still gets tired after doing almost nothing. The doctors says he’s doing fine, great even, that he’s getting better much quicker than they had anticipated, but Dean still thinks it’s too slowly. He wants to work again, but he can’t do that before his muscles have been rebuild and he has gotten his energy level steadied too. Cas nearly slapped him the first time he said he wanted to go back to work.

But hey, at least Cas gets to see his brother and Dean still gets pie. It’s a win win situation, even though Dean knows Gabriel is going to whine about missing him at work and saying stuff like “the customers misses his sweet ass” and “come back to me Dean-o”. Dean usually just gives him the finger anyway and Cas is always quick to defend him.

“What do you think?” Cas asks.

“It looks nice” Dean says, flicking over to the first page again to read the first few words. “The Greek philosopher Aristophanes was the first person to ever take note of the unique markings each human was born with and preach about their significance.” Dean smiles and looks up at Cas who watching him while biting his lip.

“Do you think it sounds too formal?” he asks.

“Hell no, I think it sounds awesome” Dean answers, “But why haven’t you given it a title yet?” Cas shrugs.

“I wanted you to do that” he says.

“Seriously?” Dean asks surprised. Cas nods. “Wow, I don’t know what to say.”

“Thank you will suffice” Cas says. Dean starts laughing because sometimes Cas is just a cute motherfucker and Dean adores him almost too much to handle. Oh, that reminds him. He is supposed to do something today.

“Hey Cas, come with me” he says and stands, supporting himself on the much hated _cane_ that Sam insists that he uses. Dean isn’t going to admit that it actually helps him walk a little steadier, because he hates it and he hates Sam for giving it to him.

He walks into the living room and puts the book on the coffee table before he walks out and down the hall to his bedroom. When Cas walks through the door too Dean digs out the small square present he has been hiding in the bottom of his closet for a while now. He hands it to Cas that looks like a deer caught in headlights once it lands in his hand.

“For me?” he asks.

“Duh, I’m giving it to you aren’t I?” Dean says.

“What is it?”

“Open it and find out.” Dean bites the inside of his cheek while Cas opens the present with more care than necessary. When the wrapping paper finally falls to the floor and Cas freezes, staring at the little metal sign saying “Castiel Milton and Dean Winchester” Dean sucks up every little emotion that runs over his face.

“I don’t understand” Cas says after a while.

“It’s a sign” Dean explains, “For my door.” Cas looks up at him, clearly still confused.

“But I don’t live here” he says.

“True, but I thought that maybe you could move in here, save yourself the trip over here every time you want to see me. You know, you’re here a lot and stuff. And it would just be easier if you were here all the time when I need help and all that.”

“Dean, I live across the hall, it’s hardly a tiring trip” Cas says. Dean sighs and rolls his eyes. Sometimes he’s not sure is Cas is being slow on purpose or if he just has his moments where his brain doesn’t work right.

He steps forward and takes the box with the sign from Castiel’s hands so he can throw it on the bed. Then he takes a deep breath and takes his hands instead before looking into his eyes. “Cas, I’m trying to tell you something here” he says, “I don’t care if you live across the hall. I want you here with me all the time. I’m… I think I’m ready for that now.” Cas’ eyes turns round and surprised.

“Are… are you sure?” he asks silently. Dean nods and before he can talk himself out of it again, he leans forward to capture Cas’ lips in a soft kiss.

It feels _so_ right and once he has started kissing him and Cas gets over his shock and starts kissing him back, Dean knows that he never wants to kiss anyone else again. He knows he still has a long way to go before he’ll be the kind of partner Cas deserves, or even the kind of Soulmate he deserves, but he’s confident that he can learn to be it with Cas’ help and that Cas can do so too with his help.

When their lips part again Dean leans his forehead against Cas’ and keeps his eyes closed. “That’s how sure I am” he says. He knows Cas knows just how much Dean is sure. That was their first kiss, something that Dean knows Cas has wanted for a long time, ever since they first talked about trying to be more than just Soulmates, but that he has been waiting patiently so Dean could have time to get used to the idea, so he could be ready for it.

Now he kinda never wants to stop again and he doesn’t even care if it’s because he himself doesn’t want him to or if it’s because their Bond doesn’t want him to.

“I’ll move my things tomorrow” Cas says against his lips. Dean smiles and gives him another kiss. That’s what he wanted to hear.

“Great.” They spend a few more moments just feeling each other’s lips until Dean suddenly gets an idea when Cas lets his hand slide over over his arm so it’s lying over the Mark on his shoulder.

He pulls away from Cas and drags him into the living room again. He finds the first and best pencil he can, and writes the title to Cas’ book on the front page with Cas hanging over his shoulder to look.

“I like it” Cas says. He kisses Dean’s cheek and Dean throws the pencil on the table so he can twist around to capture his lips again. Yeah, he’s addicted already.

Cas does it again, the hand over the Mark thing and Dean feels something tingle all the way down in his toes. Cas keeps kissing him, which makes Dean think he isn’t the only one getting addicted quickly.

“Say it out loud” Cas whispers to him in between kisses.

“Say what?” Dean asks.

“The title.” Dean laughs softly, but just wraps Cas in his arms and kisses him one more time before obeying, whispering the words softly in his ear.

_“Put Your Mark On Me.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, here we are, at the end.  
> I wanted to say so many things at the end of this, but I've decided to just stick to the basics, because no one really wants to hear the writer ramble on for an eternity.  
> So I'll keep it short. Thank you for reading my story, thank you for believing in me, for sticking with me even when it looked like I would never finish. Thanks for the kudos, the comments and the constant support and all the sweet things you have said. And I'm sorry for taking so long to finish. I feel like I've let you all down and I wish I could make it up to you guys in some other way than this, but well. I can't. So I hope you don't feel you have wasted your time waiting for the end and that you like it.  
> I know that I personally think it turned out okay. I wish I could have been a little better planning it all out so it doesn't feel like the story jumps quickly through time, but I didn't want to make boring filler chapters either. It have always been my intention to make this a short and fast-paced story, and I hope I managed to do that. That said, I don't know if I'll come back to edit or re-write it all, that's way in the future, but right now I'm just happy to have finished it! 
> 
> So thank you. May the wind always be at your backs and the sun at your faces. Take care and I'll see you in the future for more adventures. 
> 
> \- Tenebrex
> 
> P.s. If you want to ask me something about this story, my process, why I made the choices I did for it and so on or just simple talk to me, run by my Tumblr at http://beautiful-hellfire.tumblr.com/ and send me an ask. I would love answering whatever questions you have.


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